MY mother called last night to ask about puddy. The conversation went something like this.
'How is she?'
'A bit groggy, she's asleep here beside me. Poor old thing has to wear one of those funnels on her head for ten days, I think she's more upset about that than the actual surgery.'
'Etheline tells me they found a tumour in her other ear too.'
'They did, but they removed both.'
'And were they malignant?'
'I don't know yet, I"m waiting for the biopsy results.'
'If they are you should bring her to the faith healer. I can give you his number.'
Now....screech, hold it right there. Turn off the lights, there is no one home.
'I don't think so.'
'Oh?' My mother says in her most irritating voice.'Why not?'
'I"ve not bringing puddy to a faith healer.'
'Well you should. This man, he's amazing, his speciality is animals. He can communicate with them.'
'I don't need anyone to communicate
with puddy, I know what's wrong with her. Faith healers, pfft, I don't believe in them, you know that. Puddy probably doesn't either.'
'You'd think with her being as sick as she is you'd want to be sure.'
'Sure of what?'
'Sure that you're doing everything for her.'
Pprepare for...'Oh for fuck's sake!
With her being as sick as she is? I brought her to the vet, that's what people do with sick animals.'
'There is no need to take that tone with me.'
'Mam, I"m tired, I'm also worried about her and-'
'That's why you should-'
'NO, you can spend as much money with that quack as you like, I don't care it's your money, but I'm not adding a single cent to his coffers.'
'He's had some great results you know.'
'Yeah? Like what?'
'Violet Shaw went to him for those headaches and she doesn't get them any more.'
'Good for her.'
I scratch puddy's bald head, wondering how it is that I cannot get through a week without a row with my mother. I want to tell her that I"m afraid puddy is not long for this world, that the vet actually said that if the tumour returns I have the option to cut poor puddy's ears off, putting her through further surgery -rendering her deaf and even then if might not work- or making the choice ever responsible pet owner must make. If she begins to suffer I must end her life, a creature I've had for fifteen years. I want to cry, but I can't because it's my mother on the line.
'You know your problem-'
Ah, here it is, the great delievery from on high, do I know my problem, hummm shoe fetish? Drink? Fear of cabbage? let's hear it oh wise one.
'You've no faith in anything.'
'I putting a lot of faith in my vet at the moment.'
She doesn't answer. And presently she rings off, doubtless to call Etheline back and complain about my 'faithlessness/rudeness'
And you know what it's not true. I just don't believe in new age bollocks.
Reiki, what a load of hooey. Laying of hands, faith healers, bollocks bollocks bollocks to that. I don't believe in Chinese herbs, cranial realignment, diet pills, homeopathy, chiropractors, astrologists, or fortune tellers. Quackery of the highest order.
Recently-while mildy inebriated- I got into a ferocious debate with a girl I know and admire, over reiki. She's a yoga buff and very good at it. But she takes it very
seriously, so okay then. I'm not going to snarf at her. I too take things seriously, admittedly there isn't a whole lot of theory to kick boxing, hurt them before they hurt you, but hey we all have our thing. But when she started on about reiki and negative energy, the red mist come down.
Reiki, bollocks be upon it, is another fancy dan money making scheme by our good friend the travelling snake oil salesman. Other wise known as Alternative Health practioners. Other wise known in this house hold as money sucking frauds who prey on the weak and needy.
I despise them, with gusto.
Puddy is fast asleep on my bed now. I'm going to kick boxing, where I won't worry about my eternal soul or a higher plain of being, but I will worry about Memnoch kicking me half way across the room. What does it say about me that I almost wish he'd pair me with the Canadian?