Is it too early in the morning for this I wonder?
Bah, nope, let the mockery begin.
Not that I would doubt the veracity of a paper like the Sindo,(Sunday Independent for all you non Irish). Not that I think for one tini-tiny second it would make up sources, steal stories from innocent bloggers or use hyperbolic tactics to sell its delightful paper, but, and there is a mighty big 'but' blowing in the wind this very morning, the lead story from the Life section yesterday had me falling about the place laughing and shaking all over.
Well I wasn't but I might as well have been.
'The end Of The Line' was a story of drugs, cocaine (the champagne of drugs), to be exact and how it is rampant in Irish society and how it's... DUN... DUN... DUN, sorta addictive 'n stuff.
In a less than shocking expose, Niamh Horan goes on to interview some addicts about their experiences.
Except well, who knows if she did or not? Niamh Horan might have interviewed a pigeon outside her bedroom window and her teddy bear Walter (not his real name) for all the sense her 'interviews' made.
First up was the complete and utterly stinking rich Ian (not his real name) He started on the old coke at 19, pretty soon he was hooked and (shaking all over) spending up to 600 and 700 euros on the old coke a week. Like most 19 year olds, Ian ( not his real name) seems to have had an almost unlimited supply of money. But fortunately Ian (not his real name) got help. He told his Mammy (possibly not her real name) and she wasn't too pleased. Then he 'put more cocaine into his body' and his friends weren't too pleased, they took him (shaking all over) off to hospital where Ian (not his real name) was "put on a blood-pressure machine and a heart monitor. Then my family came in. They were very concerned, but I was on a lot of medication at the time, so the rest of it's kind of a blank."
He then attended (shaking all over) the Rutland Centre* and after a few false starts he stopped 'putting cocaine into his body' although no one will employ him -possibly due to the shaking- and he reckons his 'airwaves'are a bit blocked.
But before he returned to the hinterlands he had some words of wisdom to impart. 'At the moment there's an epidemic in Ireland, and it's like America was in the eighties. Nobody knows the dangers of it. People think that it's the champagne, the Rolls-Royce, of all drugs, but I can tell you first-hand that it's probably the most dangerous of them all.'
Next up Philip! (not real name) Come on down dude! You're older right? Cause we're trying to go cross the boards here, last dude was 19, what are you? 27? Awesome!
Okay, so Philip, (not his real name) was working in "a high-profile computer company when he reached rock bottom" (those damn high-profile computer companies will do that to a person, heartless they are)
Philip (not his real name) had it worse than Ian, he 'turned into a robot' from taking cocaine. (at least he wasn't shaking all over).
But after missing a few Mondays at work and going beep-beep-beep when reversing, clippity-clop, off to the Rutland Centre* Philip (not his real name) went and despite worrying that he might 'have to live on a mountain" (clearly a fate worse than death), Philip was finally free of the dreaded drug and he returned to 'playing sport' (robots make terrific golfers)
Onwards dear readers!
Connor (not his real name)was "nearly addicted after the first time". At a mere 26 Connor was spending the 'guts of 300 Euros a day on cocaine' . Fortunately Connor (not his real name) told his family, made his Mam cry, skippity-hopped into The Forest rehab treatment centre (a place I cannot find) and before you can say 'wait, how much money were you-'he was cured.
Next up Marie Byrne, (possibly real name) founder and director of the Aisling Group and she says, 'It's at epidemic proportions now, we knew it was going to happen more than 13 years ago.'
Marie talks a lot of talk, most of it anecdotal, but my personal favourite line was, 'I find that the scale of it is astronomical. Even with the schoolchildren (not real people-that was me) it's not a small number of them doing it, it's a lot. We can see that it's being used in house parties all over the country and in toilets in every pub in the country".
(Man that woman and her spies get everywhere
, this is going to play havoc on my bladder, I don't even like to pee when someone can hear me)
Now like I said I simply could not accuse the Sindo of hyperbole, that wouldn't be right, but sources shaking all over, robots, epidemics, everyone's doing it in every toilet in the land?
My word! Who knew? Did you? I was out and about this weekend not doing it and the people I was with were not doing it too! What's wrong with us?
You're probably doing it right now, aren't you?
Cocaine! While I don't give a rat's ass about it, I find I'm against it, purely on the grounds that I don't want to turn into a robot (unless it's a robot like Bender, that would be way cool)and I want to pee in peace.
* The paramour pointed out that the article in question might be a spoof and just an ad for the Rutland Centre. He might be correct.
There was a model used throughout said article and despite the fact that they had tried to gussy her up to look like a 'user' she was impossibly glamourous. I super especially liked the crotch shot, nothing says 'cocaine' quite like it.
UPDATE, using the power of his fingertips, Major has found The Forest rehab centre, it's in Wicklow.
Labels: bollocks, Drugs