Picture the scene. It's a grey day in Scotland, a brittle breeze is bustling through the croft as Kim Ayres, resident thinker, ponders whether or not his dreams are trying to tell him something, or if they're just dreams, the workings of the subconscious mind.
His family are at the shops, buying all manner of boring food that his good lady wife will turn into delightful food, and Kim, enjoying a few moments tranquility and quiet, is at peace with the world.
'Well hey there!'
'What the hell?"
'I"m Ambyr-with a 'y' and this is jSondra, with a 'o'
O' ' Kim sputters.
'Dayet what I sayed, with a 'o'. Anyways, we was jist passin' and we got a call from our agent Bennly, dayet is wit a silent 'L' -
'Passing? From where?'
'and he sayed us we was hired by some gal in Dublin to perform. He sayed you was havin' some kind of birthday this week? So me and jSondra decided we'd come on by and...you know, help you celebrate n' shit.'
'Urgh, stop stop, stop taking off clothes. I'm a family man, and this-'
'jSondra, show him yer moves grl! Move yer bad face.'
'Mf trypm, bur ir nr eary when mr libs dis swulln.'
'Oh that jSondra, such a kidders, ain't ya grl. Kim, I sure do hope you don't mind if I use masking tape on you. I find most men jist cain't resist them little paw paws when we gets to ballin'. Hold his legs jSondra-'
'Ur gr 'em.'
'NO! NO!. Please, get off me, arrrrgggghhh. Good God, what is
'Oh that? That's nuthin' jSondra cover that thing will ya Hun? You know folk get funny when it's lookin' at 'em lyke dat.'
'Okay Grl, this puppie's a cutie patootie ain't he..'
'Arrrghhhh! Stop patting me. Get out, I demand-'
'Okay, now, where did I put the microphone- Oh my GOSH! Jsondra! That's where you bin carryin' dem? Lord grl, what else you go stored away up there. Hahahahahhahaa.'
'Well, that's plain dumb, how you gonna keep it cool?'
'Ice. Ur luurk iz belted.
'Oh Jesus, Oh Jesus, Help! Help me someone!'
'Quit hollerin' Kim, we're almost ready. Lord men jist so impatient. jSondra put yer fancy hat back on. We ain't got all day grl. Now. Okay, where was we? Oh yeah.'
They grab their mikes.
'This here song, Bennly sayed wuz requested for you special like. Now normally we don't sing this kind of song, but well, shit, it's your birthday ain't it? so we'll do it.'
'But I didn't request anything, other than 'get out of my house.''
'BUT I DIDN"T!'
'He sure is lively. Now. One two three.'
"I will have all the things that I desire, and my passions flow like rivers in the sky,
And after the loves of my life, after all the loves of my life,
You'll still gonna be the one.
MacArthur Park is melting in the dark, all the sweet, green icing flowing down,
Someone left the cake out in the rain,
I don't think I can take it, cause it took so long to bake it,
And I'll never have that recipe again, oh no, oh no!""
'Umber, lurk, es faintured.'
'Well dayum jSondra. I cain't hardly believe it. That's the second one dis week.'
'Thurs bloods in ees eurs?'
'Maybe we best be gettin' goin'.'
'But whud a bur ma sexy dance?'
'Shit Jsondra, if our singing blitzed him what in tarnation do you think your dance would do grl? No jSondra, some men caint handle the goodies, and that's a fact.'
'jSondra Hon, I"m not meanin' to be cruel nor nuthin', but grl, you really need to get that thing looked at, it's starin' at me again.'
'I think ids grurning teedh.'
Labels: The visit.