Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Fuck. This Modern Woman Is Cranky.



I haven't been this cranky since I fought certain death in my mother's birth canal and emerged red faced, victorious and screaming into the cold harsh world.
My computer decided to teach me a lesson in technological humility last night. There I was, ten to ten, wiping the sweat from my brow, teeth bared, fingers forming talons, I was almost finished.
I had worked non stop from seven-and after pancakes- forgoing television, forgoing reading a book, forging spending many hours on the interweb looking at puppies, FORGOING FUCKING LIFE ITSELF!! I was about to send my work to an outside link when suddenly the application I was working on quit.
'Shit' I said. But I wasn't worried, I always click save as I work. So, I reasoned, If I'd lost the last minute or two of work... well, annoying but hardly the end of the world.
Except it wasn't the last minute or two.
When I relaunched the application I noticed something strange. The modification time said late Monday. No mention of Tuesday at all.
I searched, scrolling back through EVERY FUCKING THING I HAD WORKED ON only to find the bastard thing had NOT saved a single Tuesday related thing.
And that folks is precisely when Hurricane Fatcat hit the house.
Well I raged and I uttered sounds from a deep primordial source. I"m not sure they were english, I'm not sure they were even human.
I went through the system.
Gone.
Then I went through my own internal system, stage by stage.

1st- Disbelief ( wording -' OOh NO, No No no no No No no!")

2nd-Incandescent rage ( wording- 'This &!!**%%% stupid %%$$£** piece of ******* **** I"m going to ****** it **** the ***** garden and then I"m ********** going to ******** ********* it until ******** *********!! ********* it to hell!!')

3rd-Resignation- Wording ( boo hoooo Waaaaaaaaaaah,***** hoooooooo)

4th-steely silence- Wording ( Not a single utterance)

So today I must redo my lost work, I must try and attempt to put two days into one, for I don't have time to waste, this project is supposed to be finished by the end of February. I can't afford to lose a day's work. But it is gone, and I can't get it back.
The mentally stultifying fury of losing a day's work leads me to one other thing of irked anger today. Not because it's that important, but rather as I read this tiresome douche's witless ramblings in the Indo, I thought of Medbh, then I thought of how hard I and many women like me work. There is no disrespect aimed to the men who read here either, I know you all work hard too. But then nobody is casting doubt on that.

Quoth the Douche....

" We live in a society where women's rights are something we take for granted. Equal opportunities, equal pay and they even have the vote these days, which some people say is taking things a bit too far, but what can you do?

Yup, it seems the fairer sex really do have the freedom to do anything they want -- just look at the inspirational figure cut by Francesca Amber Sawyer, who is proud to call herself a wannabe WAG.

The blonde, who's hair is as fake as her tan, has already bagged herself a Premiership player in the past, but says she still goes out every night to get her mitts onto other footballers.

According to Sawyer: "You need to know which clubs to go to on any given night, because the players follow a routine."

She claims she's proud of what she does and points out that: "The players are just chavs with money, they would have the same taste as your local builder.

"There is no point splashing out too much on designer shoes because they would have no idea. The trick is to dress as sluttishly as possible."

Interestingly, she reckons the girls who slept with Ashley Cole "did Cheryl a favour, because she found out now rather than waiting for years. It's not their fault."

A hundred years of the Suffragette movement and this is where modern women are today.

Emmeline Pankhurst must be so proud."

To that I must say,
Dear Ian O'Doherty. I realise you have all the wit and intelligence of a moss covered rock-perhaps all those years of snorting cocaine has fried whatever cell you use for cognitive reasoning- but here, allow me to help unfuzzy your poor attempts at humour and snark.
From time immemorial there have been skanks. There have been women who aspire to nothing more than eye-candy, there have been women who want nothing more than to hook a thick headed oaf with a healthy bank balance. There have been women who don't want to do anything except have a baby with a wealthy fool and not work or toil or break sweat.
What exactly this has to fucking do with the rest of us is beyond me. What it has to do Pankhurst is beyond me.
See, here's the thing, my gerbil faced cuntbutler, women are actual people. (Sit down there, steady, steady, I know this rush of knowledge has probably left you feeling all shaky and shit-take it handy, have another jumbo sized mars bar)
Now, where was I?
Oh yes, women=people. And people, you'll be shocked to discover Ian, can be stupid, crass, vulgar, unintelligent, boring, condescending, glib, lazy, vapid, shallow boobies. Does this mean ALL people are thus? Why no, of course not. Only a nincompoop and a fellow booby would think so.
Once more for the cheap seats in the back, women=people. People =Men+women, ergo, women = men.
Some women are idiots, some men are idiots, and so the world turns.
Pretty fucking simple Ian. But if you still can't understand it get your wife to explain it to you.

98 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:55 am

    calm down fmc
    blood preasure, boiling point and all that kind of thing.
    drop everything.
    a handy 10k jog will set the world to rights

    ReplyDelete
  2. You could be right, certainly sitting here glaring at my computer and trying to remember what is was I did yesterday isn't helping.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous11:02 am

    "I know you all work hard too" - thats a barefaced lie FMC, and I demand you retract that statement immediately!

    Stipes is right, go for a run or something, otherwise you'll just get progressively more frustrated as the day wears on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Now now Sheepie, admit it, you're a finger to the bone type of guy, I can just tell.
    I'm just charging up my ipod. Assuming it doesn't blow up or something I will be hitting the road in about half an hour.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ooooh I hate that O'Doherty cunt!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous11:20 am

    Ahh you poor pet that is terrible, I hate when that happens, it is so hard to start again, you feel like you are giving in. Well done for not smashing anything, for if I was in your unfortunate position my computer would be sprawled across the lawn, having exited the house via the front window. You are right about O'Doherty, he is a wanker. A lot of the Independent’s male writer’s are misogynist little articles, there have been a few of this calibre in recent times, even some of the female writers are a bit dizzy. Maybe male domination is trying to worm it’s way back in. Good luck with the work, the quality will be superb having done it before.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous11:22 am

    He's married?!! Surely not?

    Sorry 'bout the tech-hell. If you were in a mail/IE programme is there any chance it saved to drafts as it crashed? My Apple days are so far in the past I can't remember what they do with things when they go kaput!

    ReplyDelete
  8. BA, he's an insipid prick and no doubt.
    Nonny, I did consider it, I honest to god really did, but then I remembered the last time I threw the phone done the bottom of the garden and then had to spend a wet half an hour looking for it.

    Morning Conan, I'm afraid it's complete gone, away into the ether. The file wasn't corrupted so it was the actual Mac that wasn't saving and needed a restart. I'm nearly over it, any second now and I'll start breathing properly.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous11:41 am

    Heh, hate that, when you break something in temper then when you calm down you are like "Oh bollox, honey did you really need the wing mirror?"

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a nightmare, you poor thing, there's nothing worse!

    ReplyDelete
  11. There were tears. Hot scaldy tears. It took almost three quarters of a hot chocolate to dry them up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh god, I know that heart-shivering feeling of the lost work. An article you've slaved over that disappears into the ether. You have my sincerest sympathy.

    Would it be awful of me to suggest reading Fleur Adcock's 'Things' in your moment of angst?
    http://www.sineadgleeson.com/blog/2008/02/06/there-are-worse-things/

    ReplyDelete
  13. I'm am finding myself in a particularly philosophical mood these days so here is my 2-cent worth. None of these things will be important in a years time. Life is a marathon, not a sprint and there are more important things that are worth your emotion than your lost work and Ian O'Doherty.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous12:35 pm

    Morning to you, Missus. And a fine sunny morning it is now that I have vented about the Irish establishment on me blog and not used one swear word. Ahhhh, time for an espresso, and a bit of cheese.

    ReplyDelete
  15. O'Doherty is as simple-minded as Kevin Myers. If I read one more of his "well you stupid cunts asked for equality and so now you can suffer" diatribes, I will puke. You can tell them that women are people until you're blue in the face and they won't hear you.

    My hearty sympathies for your lost day of work, FMC. Mere words are of little condolence.

    Your anger bolsters me this morning when I am otherwise ready to tear someone's head off.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Gah! That has happened to me more times than I care to remember - with transcription files. I transcribe research interviews - and sometimes they are so tough, be it because of heavy accents, mumblings, boring subject matter or the simple idiocy of the questions/answers/people involved - and when I get to the end and start thinking "oh, the money for this one will help pay for this or that..." ffffftttzzzz.....what? What just happened? Tell me it saved it before it died...tell me I don't have to do the whole ugly thingover ...Please...please?

    NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    So, yeah. Been there.

    As for this O'Doherty dickface - sounds almost like he's deliberately trying to bait people into calling him out on his stupidity. IS he really that much of a cunt, or is he just trying to piss people off?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous2:32 pm

    Andraste, Irish hackery (journalism), especially the Irish Independent, is full of wind-up merchants like O'Doherty, Myers, Waters et al. Do they actually believe anything they write? I doubt it. I doubt they genuinely care for anything except their own egos.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I know lots of people like that - they're a blast at parties.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I feel surprisingly less violent after my run. Now I only have to work until midnight and my day will be complete.
    Actually I don't think I am going to complain any more today, for at least I AM NOT Ian O'Doherty and surely that counts for something.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous3:43 pm

    Ah, shit. Bad luck, honey. That's a crappy thing to happen. I have that sick feeling of recognition in my stomach just reading it. Modern life, eh? It'll make you insane.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Running cures all. Except for having no legs. And measles. And..

    Running is quite good for stress relief.

    That one.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ouch. Although I love the whole grooviness of Macs, thats why I don't use one. When they fuck up there is no way back. Usually somewhere in the labyrinthine bowels of the pc you can find a saved draft.

    My ipod for the 6th time has gone on the fucking blink. $25 a pop each time I send it back to apple. They say the fix is free, but the $25 is for shipping. Cunts.

    Did you manage to forgo the sweet comfort of an alcoholic tipple?

    I think we should all stop reading the Indo. It would be good for our collective blood pressure.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thanks Sam, I"m almost caught back up. I should be in about an hour or so.

    Gimmie, it certainly helped. Measles? say it ain't so!

    John, I had a hot chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Anonymous7:26 pm

    The Indo's gotten to be a mirror image of, eh, The Mirror, I suppose. 100%, unadulterated, tabloid gank!

    It was bugging me for ages but the French thing tipped it - I haven't bought it since.

    Sneezeville is an O'Doherty-free zone and hence, a stress-free one. Try it FMC - try it! It is better than that primrose stuff any day.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm sure that you've already seen this, FMC, but I thought it might make you laugh. Or shriek.

    http://dlisted.com/node/23022

    ReplyDelete
  27. Anonymous8:40 pm

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccck. Oh sweet jesus I know that pain and anguish. I have lost a day's writing before. If I had had a hammer, my computer would have taken a hit. Pleased to hear the excericse helped. When it happened to me I tried to console myself with platitudes like, a. second time round will be better and b. this happened for a reason. The reality being a. no it wasn't and b. yes, because computers shit themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Thanks Sneezy, I might just take you up on that one.
    Medbh- seriously, what has she done to her face?
    LK, it was hellish, truly hellish. I"m back in the game now tonight, but what a long bloody day.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Anonymous9:54 pm

    Glad to hear you've caught up, sugarplum. 'Twould make you puke with irritation a thing like that. Puke!

    ReplyDelete
  30. T'would indeed. nearly finished for the day, soooooo looking forward to hot chocolate. Nom nom.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous11:11 pm

    You had a tough day, FMC. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
    I feel very calm and sleepy after a 3/4 bottle of red wine, and I'm about to go to bed now, so sorry if I'm not being showing more empathy tonight (I had a particularly long day myself).
    Buena notte, cara x

    ReplyDelete
  32. I envy you your red, but good night to you. Sleep well.

    ReplyDelete
  33. good to hear you've made up the time. Back to having a life now?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Anonymous2:26 am

    "cuntbutler" - love it. A new word to add to the vocabulary

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  35. Just about Docky.

    Russell, use sparingly, but with gusto.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Brilliant! Can you write one to Kevin Myers as well please?

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