Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Manners maketh man.

Because every blogger I frequent seems to have been infected by sodding meme fever, I am left to amuse myself. Normally this would involved sex/oil/alcohol, but as it is a Tuesday morning and I am in my pyjammies, I think calling someone over might be problematic. So allow me to rant softly about something that has been bothering me of late.
Manners. Or lack thereof.
I seem to live in a city full of bad mannered oiks. What happened and when did it happen? Why are people so ill mannered? What happened to thoughtfulness and good grace? Are people really so gauche that they do not know how to behave?
Clearly they are. So here are some useful city living rules to adhere to-

1-Thank you. It costs nothing! If I hold the door open for some old woman-as I did for my harpy neighbour yesterday- why did she not smile and say thank you? Why did she shuffle through it and proceed on her decrepit way with nary a muttered appreciation? Would she like it if I had let the highly sprung door snap back and knock her back across the foyer like a skittle, I hope she does, because that is exactly what I am going to do next time she comes down behind me. Also for the ladies, if a man holds a door open for a woman, he is not saying, 'pathetic feminazi, look how strong and forceful I am, how inferior you are!' He is simply being well mannered, like he should be. Smile and say thank you.
2-Be observant! If I see an elderly or pregnant person on public transport and they have nowhere to sit I always offer my seat. What I do not do is fiddle with my iPod, keep reading or pretend I cannot see them. How can you not see a heavily pregnant woman, it would be like pretending not to see a manatee standing there. Offer the seat! Maybe you will be lucky and they will say no.
3- Sidewalk shuffle. If there is a moment of 'oh you go that way, no left, no your left oh..' on the pavement, there had better be a quick smile, a brief muffled 'excuse me' before we maneuver our way past. Don't tut. Tutting might get a high-heel in the foot.
4- Time keeping. If you make an appointment with anyone, be it a friend or not, turn up on time! It is not difficult and it stops the other person thinking what a ill mannered dipshit you are.
5- If you are a filthy smoker, try not to blow it into people's faces. I don't bring up phlegm and spit on you now, do I?
6-Supermarkets. You have a trolley full of groceries, the person behind has a packet of biscuits and a box of teabags. Let them go first.
7- Dogs. You might like your dog, I might like your dog, but I don't like your dog's feces on my Jimmy Choos. Clean up after your bloody dogs, unless you live in Paris. For some reason it seem to be perfectly accecptable to allow your dog to crap where it wishes there.
8-Children. Children are beastily in public because the little things think they have their parents over a barrel. If one is throwing a tantrum and screaming the place down, try not to glare at the parents as though they were sticking hot pokers up the child's rectum. That only makes the parents stressed and children can sense stress like sharks can smell blood in the water. On the flip side, parents, not everyone thinks your child is adorable, and if it is throwing a hissy fit and you can not get it to stop, remove child from ear shot of other people. Bribe or threaten it quietly, or whatever it is parents do with small children, but do not disturb everyone else for ages.
9-Coughing-sneezing. Cover your mouth, use a hanky/hand/sleeve/your newborn. Whatever, just cover your mouth.
10-Mobile phones. Unless it is an emergency, don't use them. I am the only person I know that does not own a mobile phone. And yet I exist, I am never late, I can function. I do not get lost/can buy tickets/meet up with friends/survive. It really is not that difficult.
I realise there are countless other irritants, I know people who grow weepy because shopkeepers will not hand them their change into their hands. To them I say stand there with your hand outstretched and keep the same patient expression. I have broken many a shopkeeper out of that habit. Don't forget to say 'Thank you' when they pick the change up and place it into your palm.


Blogger SheBah said...

I so agree with you - another pet hate is people who push their trolley into your back in the supermarket check out queue, as if that would speed up the cashier! I still think you should hold the door open for the harpy, why sink to her bestial level. Oh, and fuckwit men who stretch across you and shout at the barman and get served first!

1:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I will end up opening it for her anyway-I am very polite that way. I just like the mental image of what that spring loaded door could do.

1:07 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Fantastic to see you get a blog entry up. I hope it's the start of many more.

Dog Crap is my biggest hate. Especially the owners who let their dogs crap on the pavement on the way to the primary school. Even the most observant of adults will step in the stuff at some point in their lives, but little children don't have a clue and will tramnple quite obliviously right through it. As a parent, you only discover it once it's been walked right through your house by your child.

And (now you've got me thinking about it), people who let their dog come bounding up to small children who are terrified. To my wee girl, their dog is about the size of a shire horse with fangs like a sabre-toothed tiger. Well I'm sorry, but just saying "oh he's very friendly and won't hurt" doesn't prevent my daughter from screaming and shaking like a leaf.

1:56 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is a very simple matter of manners, dogs should be on leashes in public. Even the slobbiest of dogs can easily knock a child or elderly over, but owners are unwilling to put themselves in another shoes, even for a moment and will become very belligerent if this is pointed out. There is a sign in Bushy Park in Dublin that asks owners to keep their animals on leads. And yet the amount of times I have watched dogs charging after joggers, or scaring the living daylights out of the ducks is ridiculous. I owned a Doberman Pincher for years and I never let him off the lead in public, not because I didn't trust him- he was a very well trained and mild mannered dog- but because I could understand and empathise with other people's fear of him.

2:07 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

If you go to any big city, New york, Barcelona, Paris, the locals and the tourists crowds somehow manage to congregate without physical contact. If on the other hand you visit a small provincial town in Britain, they cant walk down the High Street in a fucking straight line. Ignorant Bastards. Kims right about dogs, they are sly bastards, we had one when I was younger that got jealous of any visiting young relatives, and used to contrive to hit them in the face with his heavy wagging tail. Whack. What did I do?

2:31 p.m.  
Blogger El Barbudo said...

Good stuff FMC. When will you be posting pictures?

Meanwhile, there's now a personalised, FMC banner for Blunt Cogs to check out and maybe put on your site.

2:46 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Eeeexcellent FMC!

It's about time you started blogging. Yes, it's the LaBrea tarpits as far as consuming your time, but as long as your employer doesn't find out, you're golden.

Personal politeness gripe; people that accelerate to turn onto a road that I am travelling on so that they can be in front; then slow down.

I especially love it when there are no cars behind me.

Must. Control. Temper.

3:17 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

When I hold the door open for someone and they don't acknowledge me when walking through, I always say 'you're welcome' very loudly and cheerfully. Causes no end of embarrassment.

3:54 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I like when small children rub bastardface's poo in their eyes and they go blind.

It never fails to amuse.

4:42 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

FMC - so right you are! And I'm so happy to see you doing some posting. Hope there is much more to come.

I had to suffer through about 5 people on the bus this morning, breaking rule #10. I had to keep re-reading the same passages of my book over and over again, because of all the noise. There is NO NEED to be on a cell phone on the bus at 8:30am, chit-chatting with your vapid pals. In fact, cell phones should only even be ON at that ungodly time of the morning, so you can call your boss and say, "I'm on my way, running late." And then hang the fuck up!!

5:08 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't have a mobile phone either. I never saw a dog that didn't understand a spike in the belly or a slug from a Colt 45. Children, for all their sins, know how to laugh when you make funny faces at them.

5:45 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

See, people are being rude all over the world.It is terrible and spreading like a virus.
Foot eater- I do that all the time.
Dr E, you need photon torpedos, let 'em speed up then.
Andraste-I once sat on a bus where a girl described every single stage of the journey into town, '...yeah, just coming up to the bridge now, really did he? Oh, hang on we're turning onto Rathgar Road...so anyway I said, oh wait, we're stopping, anyway he was all, on no, must have been wicked, yeah I'm outside Spar now, you know ...' As the bus was packed I could not move to get away from her, but I did get off three stops early. It was either that or rip the phone from her hand and fling it out the window.
GB- I'm not sure about shooting dogs, but bitch slapping owners with my soiled shoes might be the way forward.
Twenty- I know underneath that vile exterior is an even viler interior, so welcome to the fold.

5:57 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Have you ever got synchronised with a stranger in the supermarket, and you keep either following them or meeting them in the aisle? I kept meeting this man, and he was on the phone saying "what type o peas?" that kind of thing. He couldn't make the most simple purchase of anything. Towards the end he said "where are you?...Oh I'm just coming up to there, see you in a minute!". She was in the fucking shop as well! It was like getting a hole in one with no-one to witness it. Nobody believes me.

7:47 p.m.  
Blogger Sarah said...

reading over these.. i am amazed at how well manored i am.

and i didn't even know it.

it's not that hard, i don't know why more people do these things (or not do them, as it were)

i had a armload of stuff in my hands last night and i held the door open for a coworker.. she walked out past me without saying a fucking word..

stupid tart.

8:51 p.m.  
Blogger redhead83402 said...

I have a cell phone, but my heavens, there IS such a thing as using it wisely and courteously! I am SO with you on manners. I was raised with weekly ettiquette lessons by my mother, she also instructed us an a daily basis ~" take your elbows off the table, sit down like a lady, you sounded like a herd of elephants coming down the stairs, you flomped in that seat, try it again, 10 times correctly... " etc, etc, etc.
At the time, it annoyed the heck out of me, but now, I must admit it, I am darned grateful. (Hopefully my kids will forgive me one day as well.)

Also, it's good to see you blogging, my dear, your insight will be most amusing/illuminating, I am sure. You have a fantastic sense of humour, and excellent manners, what more can you need? ;-D

8:52 p.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Fuck me, it's true! An actual true dyed-in-the-wool thought-to-be-the-stuff-of-legend FMC post!


I agree with it all, naturally. Although you are welcome to hock up a greenie on me anyday. I'd probably like it.

Incidentally, sexybeauty... I don't get arsehole men leaning over me to shout at the barman. I do get drunk-women-who-think-they're-all-that practically spilling their tits over both me and the barman in an effort to get served first, mind.

9:18 a.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

FMC, well done! You covered about every pet peeve I can think of...

You know, most people don't think twice about not opening a door, but a couple days ago, when I was going to the post with a heavy tub of mail, a chap actually made like he was walking back to his car for something instead of opening the door for me... that was new. People suck... wait, MOST people, not everyone...

3:04 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Did you actually see him pretend to return to his car? That is...well, that is staggering.

3:37 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sarah, you are right, she probably was a tart. Binty, just cop a quick feel next time that happens. They will either be offended or seek you out in the future.

3:40 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

FMC, yes, I locked eyes with him for a second, then he looked kind of embarassed and darted back to the car... it was rad. Chivalry and all that shite...

6:35 a.m.  
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