Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Caligula would have been proud.

Well, the party, the party...what can I saw about the party?
It was a nice mix, about fifty/fifty straight/gay. There was alcohol, dancing, laughter, some really great music.
My paramour was charming and instantly approved of. His arms were squeezed more than once, his opinion sought out for various discussions. The French gay-FG- gave me the thumbs up and made a gesture so rude I snorted rum out my nose. The Italians were hilarious and in top form. Everything was fabulous and fun and bright and breezy. I began to relax.
Naturally diaster was right around the corner.
Folks, meet Cherry.
A little history.
CG and I have been pals a long time-eleven years. Country gay is the straighest gay I know. He is gay but you would never know it unless he told you. He is well read, likes sport, there is no shrieking, no real bitching, likes women, and he actually has a real dog. He doesn't own a sunbed. He works in a job not a million miles from mine and I like him a lot.
He is one of my best friends.
However he-without fail- picks the worst boyfriends in all of the natural world.
There was...
1- the Florist- horrible little viper who looked lke Toad from Toad hall and wore his trousers too short.
2 The midget- vicious little mosquito who hated everyone and used to tell CG that he 'didn't do love.'Found out after the crash and burn of that relationship that he used to steal things from CG's house. Nasty piece of work.
3- Denial gay- this guy had to be wasted to be 'gay', not off his face he was 'Straight as a DYE! right!' Would frequently turn up at places CG was, shitfaced and bawling. Nearly turned CG into an alcoholic trying to keep cope, still rings on occassion, drunk and belligerent, but looking for his hole, as Twenty might say.
Then there was Adam: he was lovely, he worked for a brewery and was on the road a lot. We all liked him. He was funny and handsome, from the country, witty and a nice dresser. We all thought he was the one, CG started talking about house sharing. They had 'we'conversations, like 'This year we are thinking of going to Spain.' Everything was perfect, right up to the day Adam's wife and two kids arrived on CG's door to scream abuse at him.
It took CG a while to get over that one. The FG claims 'EEE never 'az, that beetch broke-ed iz hart.'

So he doesn't have the greatest track record, but this new one he has takes the biscuit. I'm going to call him Cherry, namely because of the tattoo of two cherries he has on his shoulder.
Cherry is everything I dislike about gay men rolled into one package. He is a vicious little queen, he speaks in a screaming high pitch voice and cannot hold a conversation with you without A-striking a pose and B- his eyes constantly roaming the room looking for someone better to talk to. He works in fashion and he despises women. He hates me because I have his measure and did the moment I met him. Because he hates me he seeks me out on every social occasion, with me he is obsequious and sycophantic- I am overly polite and I laugh too loud at his antics and stories.

Cherry likes to be the centre of attention, he is pretty in a sulky limpid way, he is an amazing dancer. He is a flirt and a preening popinjay. He is as shallow as a puddle.
Naturally Country Gay is head over heels about him.
So when he found the little fuck on his knees in the back garden with the very drunk younger brother of another of our friends...
Well it wasn't pretty. Paramour said he'd never seen a party clear as fast in his life.
The phones hopped yesterday. This is the biggest scandal to hit our group in a while. Tara, the sister of the young chap is gunning for Cherry. The kid- he's nineteen-claims he doesn't even remember going out the back with Cherry, oh and he is a straight as a DYE! too. Tara says she is going to hunt Cherry down and cut his balls off. I'm not really certain she is just blowing off steam.
I feel confused as I type. I hated Cherry, but I like CG and don't like it when he is upset. I spoke to him last night. He told me ina strange distant voice that he is turning into is the Bridget Jones if the gay world.


Blogger the anti-barney said...

But other than that it was O.K.?

3:44 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Other than that it was grand, someone had made this weird kind of punch with different sort of rums, malibu and orange and watermelon juice, sounds terrible but it was a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y yummy.

Gotta run. Got to get to the bar to claim my seat to the watch Arsenal v Real Madrid.

6:14 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I think you should introduce Country Gay to a very butch woman.

10:35 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Golly GB, if only it were that easy.

8:00 a.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...


Glad the good times were good.
Sorry bout the bad times and your friend...


8:40 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I know Monstee I know, and this one is going to get legs on it.
I've never seen Tara as mad as she is. She says Cherry violated her brother and she is literally going to kill if she gets her hands on him. At one point she was even talking about getting the Gardai involved, which is ludicrous and over the top and only going to cause more upset.
CG is completely crushed and none of us really know what to say to make it any better.
I realise the dynamics of a gay relationship are sometimes very different, truth be told most of the gay chaps I know are not monogamous and have an unspoken rule about it. But they are discreet. CG is monogamous and really believes in being so, that's why he always falls so bloody hard and gets hurt so badly. He sounds very bitter today.
We are worried.

9:51 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Straight or gay, a cunt is a cunt...

11:52 p.m.  
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