'What the....
hell was that noise?' I said to the cat.
I turned my head, the clock said 8:30. I had come in at 3:13. Clearly something was not right; why was I conscious?
I lay still, I could hear traffic. A shaft of sunlight trickled through the shutters which, in my drunken state, I had not bothered to close properly; the cat was purring; I was in my own bedroom, so what was wrong?
'Really? I don't think that's true! Three stone in two months? What, was she doing the South Bea-'
There it was again.
I buried down deeper under the duvet and closed my eyes. My sister, Etheline, she was staying here. She was an early riser.
Then I heard something so chilling, so utterly terrifyingly spine tinglingly-ly chilling that I almost forgot to breathe. I heard Etheline - how could I not, dogs in the next county could probably hear her- say, 'I don't know Mum, no she's still in bed. Okay, see you at about ten. Bye.'
I sat bolt upright and as I did the hammer of Thor stuck me squarely between the two eyes. The cat toppled off his perch of pillows and shot me a disgusted look.
'Ooowwwhwhwhwhwh.'
I gripped my head, lest it explode across my John Rocha sheets.
Oh no, please... The gods would not smote me in such a fashion. Thor tapped me again.
MOVE!
I flung the duvet aside and leaped from the bed. After a few moments of reeling about like a corgi with distemper, I threw on a scarlet Kimono and fluffy high-heeled slippers. I caught a glimpse of myself in the Cheval mirror as I fled my bedroom, black streaks of mascara, hair wild, crumpled, rumpled, hungover, run over, puffy, looking like the world's trashiest drag queen.
I stumbled into the hall and slammed into the far wall, blinded momentarily by the sunlight steaming through the door of the guestbedroom.
'Is my Mother coming here?' I shrieked.
My sister stepped into the hall. She wore a dazzlingly white t-shirt and soft blue jeans, her auburn hair was tied into a bouncy pony-tail, it glinted at me, healthily, mockingly, her make-up was minimal and flawless.
'Jesus, the state of it.' My sister grinned. 'I heard you coming in last night, you were singing.'
I blinked, swallowed - why was there no moisture? Summoning every last ounce of strength I pointed a trembling finger at her.
'Is...my..mother...coming...here?'
'Mom? Sure, she'll be here about ten.'
If a Cape African Buffalo had burst through the front door, charged down the hall and struck me the result would have been the same. I sank down the wall and puddled into an unsavoury mess on the floor.
'Oh Jesus.'
'Coffee?' My sister said brightly, and sorta skipped off towards the kitchen.
I sat for a while on the floor. The cat, recovered from his tumble, came to sit by me. From the kitchen came the sound of Etheline humming like a jet engine as she banged cups about- she is so very loud.
I pressed my fist against the bridge of my nose and tried to think. Had I gotten engaged/married/had children/become a surgeon/vet/newsreader since the last time I'd seen my mother?
Nope.
'She wants to bring us to brunch!' Etheline bellowed.
I picked myself up and stumbled to the bathroom. I had just over an hour.
Time for some serious damage limitation.
I turned my head, the clock said 8:30. I had come in at 3:13. Clearly something was not right; why was I conscious?
I lay still, I could hear traffic. A shaft of sunlight trickled through the shutters which, in my drunken state, I had not bothered to close properly; the cat was purring; I was in my own bedroom, so what was wrong?
'Really? I don't think that's true! Three stone in two months? What, was she doing the South Bea-'
There it was again.
I buried down deeper under the duvet and closed my eyes. My sister, Etheline, she was staying here. She was an early riser.
Then I heard something so chilling, so utterly terrifyingly spine tinglingly-ly chilling that I almost forgot to breathe. I heard Etheline - how could I not, dogs in the next county could probably hear her- say, 'I don't know Mum, no she's still in bed. Okay, see you at about ten. Bye.'
I sat bolt upright and as I did the hammer of Thor stuck me squarely between the two eyes. The cat toppled off his perch of pillows and shot me a disgusted look.
'Ooowwwhwhwhwhwh.'
I gripped my head, lest it explode across my John Rocha sheets.
Oh no, please... The gods would not smote me in such a fashion. Thor tapped me again.
MOVE!
I flung the duvet aside and leaped from the bed. After a few moments of reeling about like a corgi with distemper, I threw on a scarlet Kimono and fluffy high-heeled slippers. I caught a glimpse of myself in the Cheval mirror as I fled my bedroom, black streaks of mascara, hair wild, crumpled, rumpled, hungover, run over, puffy, looking like the world's trashiest drag queen.
I stumbled into the hall and slammed into the far wall, blinded momentarily by the sunlight steaming through the door of the guestbedroom.
'Is my Mother coming here?' I shrieked.
My sister stepped into the hall. She wore a dazzlingly white t-shirt and soft blue jeans, her auburn hair was tied into a bouncy pony-tail, it glinted at me, healthily, mockingly, her make-up was minimal and flawless.
'Jesus, the state of it.' My sister grinned. 'I heard you coming in last night, you were singing.'
I blinked, swallowed - why was there no moisture? Summoning every last ounce of strength I pointed a trembling finger at her.
'Is...my..mother...coming...here?'
'Mom? Sure, she'll be here about ten.'
If a Cape African Buffalo had burst through the front door, charged down the hall and struck me the result would have been the same. I sank down the wall and puddled into an unsavoury mess on the floor.
'Oh Jesus.'
'Coffee?' My sister said brightly, and sorta skipped off towards the kitchen.
I sat for a while on the floor. The cat, recovered from his tumble, came to sit by me. From the kitchen came the sound of Etheline humming like a jet engine as she banged cups about- she is so very loud.
I pressed my fist against the bridge of my nose and tried to think. Had I gotten engaged/married/had children/become a surgeon/vet/newsreader since the last time I'd seen my mother?
Nope.
'She wants to bring us to brunch!' Etheline bellowed.
I picked myself up and stumbled to the bathroom. I had just over an hour.
Time for some serious damage limitation.
posted by fatmammycat at 10:21 a.m.
6 Comments:
Families can be such fun...
This day just cannot get any worse.
Gaaaahhhhh! Unholy, that's what that is. You have my every sympathy.
I'd say it could get worse, but I'm not sure how... best of luck, dear heart!
It was horrendous. My mother's opening gambit was, 'you look tired, you're not getting enough sleep. I suppose you were out gallivanting half the night, harumph. It is not like your twenty any more, honestly, when are you going to get a bit of sense? Start taking care of yourself.'
'Still fat I see.' Was mine. In my head, true, but that was my very first thought. That and she shouldn't wear lilac.
Thank you Evil, I was beginning to think it was just me that thought so.
Post a Comment
<< Home