Thursday, May 04, 2006

Worst films ever.

Now, I must hold my hand up and admit I have dragged the Paramour to more bad films than I should, I actually leaned over and apologised to him during a History of Violence. So let's just be clear, I too have sinned. But last night-after the footie- he made me watch Hostage, so I'd wager we're about even. Alright there was no cringy cheerleading scene and Willim Hurt didn't appear as Gary Oldman in Hostage, but even so.
Bruce Willis is a hostage negotiator who...oh man, due to his being convinced he could talk a man into giving up his weapon (God complex), he actually gets some kid and his mother shot Cut to some time and a new hairstyle later and Bruce is a small town sherrif, humbled and trying to lead a quiet life when suddenly three boys-for no eral apparent reason follow a girl and her rich-but dun dun dun-secretly working for the shadowy underworld-father...yada yada yada.
Look, I'm no reviewer, but it was pretty bloody awful and full of plot holes so wide and deep my cries of 'bollocks!' echoed for a good few minutes after I issued them.
Will I never learn? Why must I persist in my ever hopeful dream of a good plain old mindless entertainment movie. I mean I liked Capote, I do like 'worthy' films, but I'm talking about, you know, entertainment.
Let me give you a run down of some of the shite I have watched over the years, see if you recognise any of these numbers.

1-Damage. Jeremy Iron and Juilette Binoche play doomed lovers. he's her boyfriend's father, she's a French totty who stares a lot. The final scene of Irons wearing a mu-mu and boucing an orange in his hand made every person in the cinema burst into hysterical laughter, and even the supposedly sad scene where we watching him run down the stairs to his dead son was ruined because his mickey bobbing about all over the place made me titter wildly.

2-Planet of the Apes. Helena Bonham Carter, was she wearing makeup or not? Marky Mark, speak up, stop mumbling and where are your tighty whiteys?

3-Armegeddon, Bruce again, snigger snigger, is there sound in space? I think not.
3b) -Van Helsing. hahahahahahahahha, vot a strrrange accent ju haff Kate, velly velly stttttrange. Fortunately vor ju I haff bin distracted by Hugh Jackman zaking uff 'iz shirt fot ze millionth time. And Dra--uu000lllarrr, how small and not velly velly evvill ju ah.

4-Random Hearts- Ford/Scott Thomas try to deal with the loss of their boring spouses who were probably cheating as they were sitting together on the boring plane that boringly crashed into some where really boring. A film so boring I actually died and had to have someone restart my heart.

5- League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Sheesh, so utterly utterly ridiculous and plot free even the goth kid protested, and she will watch any old crap. Sean Connery's wig and creaky action running not withstanding, pretty bloody lame.

6-The two Matrix film that were not the first Matrix film, way to take an idea and balls it up completely fellas, ergo vis -vis, bit of a dud, wait, was it, not was it, wait, you already said that, did I? prove it, I am the one, no I am and so is my wife. I am the Oracle, I am fed up. I am hungry, I am going home now.

7- Meet the Fockers- watched it on a train on my way to Valencia, it was in Spanish, but even that couldn't hide how desperately unfunny it was . For Shame! Robert de Niro! Shame, boo hiss. Hoffman, meh, I always thought you were a bit of a dud. If I hadn't been travelling at immense high speed I might have thrown myself off. I even considered talking to the pervert veside me, but he had fallen asleep so I watched a thin stream of drool snake it's way down from his rubbery lips during the Hoffman's scenes.

8- Eyes Wide Shut. Self indulgent crappola, and for an extra slurmy helping of Tom I'm going to combine Vanilla Sky to this steaming pile of plop, put them both in a brown bag, set it alight and leave it on the Harpy's doorstep.

9-Saw, watched it the other week. Man, I didn't even realise they made films this bad anymore, It made me about as tense as a bear waiting for a butterfly to attack. Poor drivel. Cheap, pointless, nasty, and boring!

10- another tie, between Photobooth, or whatever that terrible moral film with Robin-creepy even when I'm funny look at my hairy arms don't they make you think of getting a silver bullet Williams was called. Don't cheat on you wife men, not with Hairy Paws developing your photos, he might get velly velly creepy und angry coz ju ah messink up iz fantasy, und-hey Kate, vot ar ju doink here?
And Catwoman, ah pussy pussy. A film so bad I couldnt watch it to the end. I mean, it was awful, I actually don't have the reeked of week old kitty litter, the clunky dialogue, the terribel acting, the terrible direction, I think of Michelle Pfiffer in Batman, back-flipping across the street as as the building explodes behind her and she says 'meow, and then I think of Halle Berry sorta hissing and I dry retch up a hair ball of horror. Really really bloody awful.
I'm adding the Chronicles of Riddick too, I saw it the other week, tee-hee, 'be careful necromancer, we glide beautifully', indeed.
Oh, and also Birth, the scene where the kid cimbs into the bath with Nicole Kidman creeps me the fuck out. Bleeeeeee, for that scene alone-and it's a crappy film- it's going on the list.
Anyone gots anyzink I should add?
It's Friday too! Yah!


Anonymous MacDara said...

Is it worse that I have seen 90% of the movies mentioned or that i enjoyed 50% of them. At least it keeps my mind off the pain. Sitting in the Sun is dangerous. see photo as proof.

10:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Golly MacDara, didn't you smell it sizzling? You need lots of aloe vera on that to reduce the burn. What happened? Did you fall asleep outside? Drunk? I tried to post on your web but for some reason when I hit publish nothing happens.

11:10 a.m.  
Anonymous Sinéad said...

Ah yes, the crap films you were promised were good. We've been going to town on this very topic here.

I liked Eyes Wide Shut and Photoboot, both quite eerie films.
Catwoman is one of the worst things I've ever seen - what HAS happened to Halle Berry? She hasn't been in a decent movie since she won her Oscar.

11:11 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Halle won a raspberry award for Catwoman and had the good grace to go along and accept, she took her agent with her too, and made a point of saying he should really read the scripts very carefully in the future. She's a good sport, even if she is a terrible actress. I didn't even like her in that trash Billybob prison crap she won the oscar for. I think they gave her the oscar for stripping off and making out with that walking bag of skank.

12:02 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

Not asleep just didn't expect April Sun to be so hot.Also forgot I was Irish for a while and could burn under a 100watt bulb. I should have known that all was not good when the beer started evaporation.

2:31 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

The film industry has decided that it will no longer look at original, intelligent scripts. It's really too bad. I like good, mindless entertainment once in a while too, but increasingly I find that I go back to my old favorites for that. (Caddyshack, Slapshot, Young Frankenstein, etc.) Nothing's come out in the last 10 years or so that stacks up. But then...I'm a pretentious little pseudointellectual. Tffft.

2:35 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Oh Ms Cat, you need to be more selective about what you watch. Planet of the Apes was obviously an outrage from start to finish. I like films about human behaviour, for example 8.5 Women directed by Peter Greenaway. It's totally bizarre yet I couldn't take my eyes off it. More info at the site below.

2:44 p.m.  
Anonymous Sinéad said...

I never get bored of Young Frankenstein. I just live in fear that some tosser will remake it and make a hames of it.

4:25 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Apparently in Planet of the Apes, they went through all sorts of variations in makeup to try and make Helena BC look more attractive, or give her slightly more human characteristics. Eventually they hit upon giving her eyebrows, which of course chimps don't have...

5:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think Greenaway made The Cook, The Thief, His wife and her Lover, with delightful of Helen Mirran-who I like a lot. And I enjoyed it all very much, although I loved Michael Gambon anyway and would probably pay to watch him eat a sandwich.
I have watched all manner of crap recently and I find it is making me sorta fed up. How hard can it be to make a decent film?

6:01 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

if someone could explain Eraserhead to me, in a way that doesn't require a massive amount of drugs or pretentious psuedo-intellectualism, i'd be ever so grateful.

but i could watch Zoolander over & over & over again, so my tastes are quite low-brow.

did you like Prospero's Books, FMC? and how was the red fish in the bean sauce last night?

6:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No No Miss Finn it was fish and rice in a red sauce, and it was very bloody tasty. Chunkks of hake and mussels with an onion, tomato and garlic sauce and basmati rice, yum. He was right, I did like it.
I never saw Eraserhead, but I can do the 'Magnum' look from Zoolander with practised ease.

7:01 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Young Frankenstein is not nearly as funny when you watch it on your own. When you watch it with a much funnier.

I've tried to watch Eraserhead more times than I care to remember, and I fall asleep in the first 20 minutes EVERY SINGLE TIME.

7:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ah, David Lynch, now I get it-I had to look it up. I liked Mullhulland Drive and Twin Peaks, that is about as much as I know about old Dave and his movies. I loved Twin Peaks and even the spin off movie Fire Walk with Me, but I especially loved the music, couldn't wait for it to be on every week.
I recently discovered-many years too late of course but I was never trendy-The Rocky Horror Show and it was fantastic, I went 'eeeeeee' most of the way throught it and am now trying to learn the songs. Etheline introduced me to it, who knew she had a camp side? Tim Roth is too fantastic for words.

7:43 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Not Roth, Curry, dammit.

7:50 p.m.  
Anonymous Melinda said...

I must say, I love Armageddon with a deep and true passion, the same way I love Anaconda and Twister. I love the unabashed wearing-out of tropes in natural disaster (or freak of nature) movies. The rag-tag group trumps the slick and sophisticated group every time. Their defiance of accepted norms of behavior is what gives them the edge. They're the only ones who REALLY understand the nature of the situation, and they're the only ones with the true courage it takes (because they're rag-tag mavericks, see) to get through whatever improbable circumstances arise. And they'll inevitably sacrifice one of their own, but it doesn't stop them from completing The Mission; rather, it spurs them on to greatness. I love it, love it, love it. And besides, in Anaconda you get Jennifer Lopez, who has taken her rag-tag bunch to the Amazon rainforest to document some native group, saying about the numerous and deadly encounters with Jon Voight and the giant snake, "This movie was supposed to be my big break. But it's been nothing but disaster." I nearly cried with pure joy at that line.

8:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Jon Voights 'Leer' was what I remebered most about Anaconda, that and how the snake never left a ripple in the water.

8:09 p.m.  
Blogger grimsaburger said...

Remember how he winks just as the snake is about to swallow him? It's just too good.

8:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Melinda said...

Oops, looked like I changed identities there. Oh well.

8:15 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Want me to knock that out?

8:33 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Eeeeeeeeeeee-------kkkk Van Helsing is on on Sky 7, gonna go and watch it again for ze lafff my darlinks, zat und becaoz the wine haff made me giddy.

9:07 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

FMC, I agree 80% with you. But I loved One Hour Photo and Meet The Fockers.

That said, Eyes Wide Shut had some excellent gratuitous nudity in it.

I can't believe I've come out of hiding to write such bollocks. I must be pished.


11:52 p.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...

Eraserhead... UGH! If me EVER hear of someone wanting to see that film, me tell them they am better off taking nail gun and blasting bout 8 roofing nails into they skull. It am SO much more enjoyable than the movie... and less painful. For me to say me hate that thing... belittles the word hate.

That being said... me do really like Blue Velvet, also by David Lynch. It am the best time me ever had saying "What the fuck am going on?"

8:11 a.m.  
Blogger Mr McGuinness said...

I watched Maybe Baby by Ben Elton a few weeks ago. I'm currently recieving counselling in the hope that one day I'll be able to come to terms with the horrific experience and move on in my life.

9:31 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Footie, is shouldn't be, but it is a pleasure to hear from you and I hope you're okay.
Monstee, I really must get Erasurehead out and watch it this weekend, just to see what instills such feeling in people. Don't worry no skulls will be harmed in the process.
Mr McGuinness, I am shaking my head at you right this minutes, what posessed you?

10:17 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I am putting off cutting the grarss an spreadin the manure, (Pronounced MAN-ure, for some reason)

All films went to shite after Jungle Book.

I can't watch Kidman AT ALL, nor Geena Davis, nor Big Kim Basinger neither, don't ask why, don't know, yes i do it's because they are atmosphere hoovers.

Cruise and big arny and sean and russel and willis and all those are total assholes yet i like the fillums, don't know I just do.

whereas him that was in leaving vegas, decent bloke, cannot watch him on a screen if you paid me. What's his bastard name? You know Steven segal and his films? Total hammy nonsensence, an insult really, and yet strangely mindlessly enjoyable, whereas van damme, same stuff, yet totally TOTALLY unwatchable.

Jude Law brilliant in ripley anf the russian sniper one and totally nausiating ever since.


11:16 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I really liked The Talented Mr Ripley too, but that's because MATT DAMON ( that's how I hear it after team America)is the master at palying creepy little nerdlingers.
Jean Claude Van Damn, blee, all those splits.
I am introducing the little Goth Kid to The Rocky Horror Show this evening as the Paramour is playing footie. French and Country Gay are coming over with popcorn, wine and nibbly things.I wonder how long it will take her to appreciate the sheer lunacy of it? I wonder how much her eyes will roll in mock disgust as we sing along to all the songs?

2:38 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

And you know another thing I hate about the cinema? (it's raining. thunder etc.) I'll tell you. The tickets and seating arrangements. Time was the grumpy young girl would press a button and a bus ticket was spat out at you from a slot in the counter which was then torn up in your face before you'd even opened your Paynes Poppets and then a lady with a beehive hairstyle would wave her incredibly dim flashlight into the auditorium in the general direction of the screen and you were off on your own with your girlfriend saying stuff in your ear like "not there, down a bit, not to far, in here, no there, whatabout the other side, is that Morag and Dan? etc. But Now. Now you must decide at Reception where you want to sit selecting from a complicated computer screen and from which you are assigned your seats which may be beside a manual worker who smells of mothballs and sighs a lot and keeps one hand in his pocket all the information being printed on an airline ticket affair with your identity card details.........I'll stop.

Although, ity must be said, all the good American films benefit from the big screen, unlike the English ones which don't.

3:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

There now, let it all out, you'll feel the better of it. I have a friend who swore blind he couldn't go to the cinema because it was 'common' then I convinced him to come see 'Narnia' with me. If he thought it was common before...
What a bloody let down, everytime Aslan was on screen I kept thinking of the lion in South park that says 'Puuull mmyyy finger' and tells stupid jokes that only lions laugh at. I believe that snowy Tilda Swinton lives in a reomte part of Scotland. She was better in Constantine.

4:15 p.m.  
Anonymous Tawdreyaudrey said...

My sister came to visit me from Belfast. I'm now living in England. I thought it was a good idea to hire a movie that had won awards in the Cannes film festival. When the TV broke down in the living room, at the start of the movie, and I had to bring down the portable that should have signalled a no. Anyhow we all sat down by the fire with wine to watch "Loving Liza." A wonderful story about a solvent sniffing depressive who spent his time flying model aircraft to get over the suicide of his wife. We all kept reading the blurb, good bloody actors too, until I relieved the tension and said "this is shit does anyone mind if I turn it off."

8:32 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I hate the cinema.

It's unspeakably common.

11:42 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I know, I know.

2:33 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Going to the cinema in America is just too cacophonous. You have no hope at all of hearing the film what with all the people munching on their BUCKETS of food.

I wait a couple of months until it comes out on PayPerView which is cheaper, at home, and I can drink wine there. That said, something is lost by not seeing some films on the big screen.

Capote was the last film I saw in the cinema and I barely noticed any mastication at all, so maybe I'll give the cultiplex another shot.

"Dirty, Filthy Love" was a good film I saw recently. It was about an obsessive-compulsive British architect and how his life comes unhinged - a bleak topic, deftly and wryly put to film in a way that has stayed with me, so far. There is another film of a similar name out there at the moment too, I think. This is not that film. It is a different one.

5:53 a.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Or the multiplex. I think the cultiplex is located in a building in West Hollywood somewhere. Oh no. That's the Scientologists. My bad.

5:55 a.m.  
Blogger Monstee said...

Me wasn't going to mention this... but me can hold it in no longer. At last count, me had seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show 97 times. Me was hoping to make it too 100, but theater that use to show it as midnight movie for a buck closed down years ago and me just no have heart to watch it on tape.

Good for you FMC! Corrupt the youth with song and blurred gender roles! How else they ever gonna learn about the fun side of androgyny?

It's just a jump to the left...

6:47 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

HI Sam, I think it called Enduring Love or something like that? It had Danial Craig and that welsh chap whose nemae escapes me. There is a horrible balloon accident at the beginning.
'And then a step to the riiiiigghhht!' Oh Monstee, you should have seen the kid, she thought Frankenfurter was brilliant, but Magenta is her favourite. Figues.

11:45 a.m.  
Anonymous ainelivia said...

Eyes Wide Shut yeah.

Reading your post realise I have developed a terrible allergy to Tom Cruise. Change the channel whenever he appears, urgh. All that punching the air, gymnastic interviews, pressing the flesh and making telephone calls at premieres. And that endemic smile, not real, did you see how angry he was when drenched at premiere? And still smiling, very passive aggressive T. Not to mention how he treats his women. Not suprised Nicole left, only surprised it took so long.

Is he a puppet or just a muppet?

12:17 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think Tom is barely holding on to sanity, I swear I really think that. He gets that maniacal gleam in his eye and he speaks as though he can barely contain his contempt for other people's views. His attack on Brook Sheilds, his ranting about psychiatry, his insistance on calling Katie Holmes Kate, everything about him screams control. And the thing about people who like to control things is that eventually they discover they can't control everything and then they snap.

12:52 p.m.  
Anonymous ainelivia said...

Yes, "manical" that's the word I was thinking of but couldn't dredge from the brain cells this monday.

And the second thing you mention is contempt: as I've been on the receiving end of a lot of contempt recently; I've finally realised that contempt is the tool of every righteous control freak I've ever encountered. Perhaps Tom will be the next governer of California?!

I'm suprised Oprah has him on her show!

I didn't know about this attack on Brooke Shields or on psychiatry, when did that happen?

1:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The Brooke attack was last year. Brooke wrote a book about post partum depression and how she dealt with it by taking anti-depressents and how incredibly upsetting it was for her. and Good Old Tom started raving that there was no such thing as post partum depression and people just needed to take vitamins and then he did the Matt Lauer (sp?) show where once again he let loose about psychiatrics being frauds and incredibly dangerous, and he had that weird look, he said ' You don't about psychiatry, I do!' Scientologists, you see, 'know all about' stuff.

1:33 p.m.  

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