Thursday, April 27, 2006

Asshole central.

I want it to be known across the land, well across the tini-tiny piece of blogland that I occupy, that I, Fatmammycat, am up disgustingly early and am hungover like a fox. My brother arrives back later today, how nice that he should find me much as he left me.
I also want it to be known that every time I wake up singing Kayne West songs, that I am
A) cross.
B) hungover
C) puzzled.
How do I know the lyrics? This is what I woke up singing...
'You mean Tarib, lyrics stick to ye ribs, I mean, that's my favourite song that I play in my crib, I mean, you don't really know him Nonchalant, Hey Ty, she don't believe me, please pick up the line...'
'Cheeep cheeepp.'
WTF? I cracked open and eye and said. 'Shut it you sparrowstarling bastards! I'll cheep you, I'll cheep you good and proper!'
Then I got out of bed and drank a gallon of water.

I shouldn't drink beer, it dosen't really suit me. I also shouldn't drink beer on an empty stomach. I also shouldn't drink beer on an empty stomach, go to bars, watch Barcelona v Milan in the company of an asshole.
Well actually, he was there already. We just joined him at his table.
This asshole is a friend of the paramour, well wait, friend is stretching it, they play soccer together. He is a know-it-all and has consistently got on my nerves for some time now, with his knowitallitness. You know the type, he's in his forties, living in a shared flat because he doesn't want to settle down, hangs around with much younger men, does coke a lot (because yeah, hey buddy, that's gonna make you less of a fucking asshole) blah-blah-cheedi-ra.
Normally I can let this kind of stuff slide right on by, but, after an afternoon with my mother and too much beer, somehow his utter knowitalliness and notshuttingthefuckupiness just rubbed me the wrong way.
And when he started to 'tell me' how the paramour is, and how the paramour was 'too nice' to be something or other, I found I had listened to enough.
'Don't start telling me about him, I don't want to hear it.'
'Yeah that's right. you don't want to hear it because you know I'm right.'
'I don't want to hear it because you're such an asshole' I may have said loudly.
'No you're an asshole.' He might have said.
'Fuck you.' Someone probably said.
''No fuck you.' Might have been the rejoinder.
'Asshole. I'm going home.' Ah, the favourite of the ladies.
So I left. Poor paramour, he came too, because he is a gentleman.
But I didn't go home, I went to another bar and spent an hour drinking more beer and giving out about the asshole that I'm still giving out about now.
Between the headache and the bloody Kayne West songs...sigh, I don't know which is worse.
Oh no wait, I do.
"you know the type, loud as a motorbike, but wouldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight."
How do I know this shit, and before anyone bothers I know that wasn't Kayne, it was Jay-Z.
Jesus, I'm going back to bed.

Now that I can at least keep a mouthful of coffee down, some
HOLLYWOOD TAT- possible June 25th wedding on the line for Nicole Kidman and her country crooner boyfriend, Keith Urban. All righty then.


Anonymous MacDara said...

Go i know how you feel , Second night in a row late drinking early rising and its Thursday tonight so Thats a given followed by Friday and the bank holiday weekend here in the LEB. I guessI be right as rain by next Wednesday.

8:24 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What do you do on a bank holiday over there? Does everything shut down? When I lived in Barcelona bank holidays were ghostville days.

8:38 a.m.  
Blogger Face said...

I quite like that 'gold digger' song by Kanye West. Catchy.
I guess they're all a bit TOO catchy really, aren't they?
I am currently drunk myself, art openings, and have to get up veeeeeeery early in the morning.
I know guys like 'the asshole', they are more to be pitied than anything, I think, sad little losers with no willies that they are.

9:19 a.m.  
Blogger Face said...

P.S I live in the Southern Hemisphere, so its less like 9.19 AM and more like 8.19 PM, thanks.

9:22 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know a few guys like that asshole. Just remember, he didn't get where he is today by impressing women.

9:55 a.m.  
Anonymous Macdara_In_The_Leb said...

Most of the holidays are given when they fall so they could be a tuesday or wednesday, There are officially 28 public holidays because there are 17 official religions and each one fights for their own days. So Two Good fridays for example, Also we have the Two Eid;s etc Anyway Most companies pick and choose which ones to give so on any given holiday there will be places open and others closed. Also basically Lebanon is about making money when Times are tough so all restaurants and Pubs etc will open as long and as often as possible.
It really is a party town. No closing hours , 100's of Bars and clubs and beautiful people even if they are slightly cosmetically enhanced. Lots of the bars are smaller than the Dame Tavern but mit means you can go too many in the one night if you fancy it.

But if anyone askes tell them MacDara is really having a hard time in the Leb, Its not easy you know !

10:45 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Face, I am thrilled to Betsy that you're as drunk as a skunk and yu're probably very right about the asshole.
Mornin' Miss Ann, how's the pup? Sleeping through the night yet?
MacDara, sounds tough baby, sound tough, but someone's got to do it, right?

10:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The pup is great, thanks. Yesterday he even asked to go outside to relieve himself. I can't remember the last time I was so excited about someone's toilet habits.

12:35 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

We all know assholes just like that. These guys in their 40's who won't get regular jobs, show up anywhere on time, still follow hippie 'jam' bands (Eugh) and smoke a lot of goon-gas, in their shared apartments with guys much younger than they are, who just keep them around for their weed connections, probably. It's really very sad, but it's when they feel the need to lecture or give out that they know more than I do about ANYTHING AT ALL...that's when they are truly intolerable.

There was a guy like that on my softball team. AND after every game he would delay the march to the pub that sponsored us with talks about "fundamentals of the game." Jesus Christ. Eventually, I just put my cleats in my bag and walked to the bar while he was still talking. "I'll save us all a table, yeah?" as my figure got smaller and smaller...

2:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

KA-FUCKNG-ZAM! Andraste, you just nailed this twat perfectly.
He hangs around wth two -well I think of them as kids but they're eighteen and nineteen-young men, out every other night, into the 'partaayy life style. NOthing wrong with that man, but don't pertend it's anything other than what it is. Still talks about finding himself! He is also a fucking game player and I can't think of anything more moronically boring than a guy who will sit there listen to you very very carefully and then try to find a flaw in your argument or repeat verbatim every other fucking word you ever said. Trying to cath you out see, that makes him clever, seee, kinda sharp, see. No one pulls the wool over those fucking eyes see!
Clickity fucking click.

3:06 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Look, I said I was fucking sorry.
And they're 19 and 21 actually. Top guys too.
If the player is "inactive" he is NOT offside.

3:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I thought it was if the player wasn't effecting the run of play? Inactive seems an odd choice of word, like doing the robot, do they just stop, wind down, leave one arm swinging gently. That would be funny.

3:34 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

That was the phrase I couldn't remember.

See Henrik was on last night at the end. If they play him in the final he will score. I am embarassed but I'll tell yiz anyway. I have a Barca shirt. You know the next bit don't you? It's got a 7 and Larsson on the back. I'm still trying to find myself.

3:49 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

he distracted you from yer mum now, didnt he. so not all bad?

5:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Lordy Finn if only. Anyway, my brother and his wife are on their way to the house with my eldest sister. My mother is on her way here to pick me up. Etheline and her fiancé are coming in an hour.
Wish me luck!

6:03 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

finn sends fatmammycat
4 gin & tonics

4 ginS & tonics

if the first dont work.

6:37 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Christ, fmc. Good luck with your mam. But be grateful for small mercies. Asshole he might have been but you indicated a central location for him in the post title. I have had the rare but horrificaly bad luck of encountering an asshole that wasn't central at all, but so far to the right of his own buttocks he was practically posing as someone else's asshole. It was only yesterday too. I am slow to anger and often resort to a mere Paddington Bear like "hard stare" when I encounter central assholes. But this guy was taking the whole packet of Jaffa Cakes and reading your post had me hopping in my seat with sweet catharsis and finger-jabbing at the light-fixtures in sympathy, yelling "That's exactly it, fmc!" and "Worra wanker!" And I amn't even from the North of England where they say "worra".

6:58 a.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm sorry, FMC, but I can't stop puzzling over what your paramour was "too nice" to be. A centre-half? A sword-fighter? An asshole?

8:13 a.m.  
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2:06 a.m.  
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