Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Jazz, I hate it.

I was not surprised to read yesterday that Sam does not like Jazz, for she is clearly a woman of discerning taste. I would have commented, but it was over at Maroon's gaff and he and I are having a spat because he is a two timing feckless handsome Laird and I am miffed with his wanton ways.
There are two types of people in this world, people who like jazz and people who would rather perforate their ear drum with a rusty knitting needle than listen to it.
I hate jazz with a passion. I really really cannot bear it. I had to listen to it once all the way from Barcelona to Valencia and it was so hellish I still dream about it in B minor.
If the train had slowed even a fraction I would have flung myself from it and rolled down a dusty slope and ran away, away from the jazz, I spit on it. We.....ell, I like Sinnerman by Nina Simone, but only because it was in The Thomas Crown Affair and that ain't jazz anyway.
I don't hold any warmth for people who listen to jazz either. I hate it when people waffle on about Miles Davis and Coltrane and say loudly that they have all Bleeding Gums Murphy's EPs(recorded live-naturally from the now infamous Springfield sessions). I once sat through an entire dinner party where the host not only played jazz, he played an LP of abstract session jazz and bopped his head in 'time' to it. He even clicked his fingers once or twice. I kept glancing fearfully around me, on the look out for mime artists and poetry readers who might leap from the presses and preform their craft. If there is anything worse in this world than normal jazz it is abstract session jazz, with the bipping and the bopping and the scatting and the heart stopping clarinet solos that burst out of nowhere.
Jazz scares the pants of me normally, but that night it was the headless horseman and I was Ichabod Crane. I could not flee I was rooted to the spot in horror, I could only watch and weave as the black waves rolled over me in toot-tootles, barbalas and strange didlde-eepeeps.
'Hey is this the same song as the last one? Where's the chorus? How does anyone know where to end it? When will it end? It will end won't it? My ears are bleeding. Is that tapioca? I think I am about to stab you in the heart with my fish knife.'
I got very very drunk that night-so drunk I lost my voice for two days. And even as drunk as I got I still couldn't make head nor tails of Jazz- and I can talk Esperanto like a native when drunk.
Jazz, I against it!


Anonymous Twenty Major said...

Fatmammycat is right.

Jazz is for cunts.

9:23 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

We were on a break!

9:54 a.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Jazz, Phthoo!

Jizz, more like. Wanking with your instrument and trying to get everyone else to listen. Which people do! It's baffling. Maybe they are experiencing unutterable joys but I remain deaf to it.

I've had friends scorn my lack of finesse in disliking jazz and telling me there's something missing from my soul, but I cannot get into it, I can't. Nor do I want to spend time trying. Jazz, for me, is like avocados and caviar. I know I'm supposed to like them but dammit if I just don't.

It's all mood music but what the hell mood is that? It sounds like paranoia to me, all shrill and baseless and formless and screamy and never-never-ending. You are at the whim of someone else's emotions as they "improvise" but never drawn into it, or even invited in, unless there's a bit with a motif or, God forfend, a tune. That's just rude: the musical equivalant of having to listen to Roger from sales explain to you how you don't want to drive THAT car, or EAT there, or live your life in any way he has not approved for its good sense and value for money; the aural equivalent of willfully farting in a crowded lift at floor 1 of a 98 floor ascent.

I like the things everyone's heard of but generic jazz is too much like endless plates of broccoli and spinach - good for you but too virtuous to be consumed wholly for its pleasure factor alone. The sneaky collect-all-cards tactic of suggesting that if you aren't somehow up to jazz, naturally, the you must be Philistine is a bullying conversation stopper but nobody can convince me to hand over my pocket-money to it. Unless they tied me down first and forced me to listen to jazz. I'd pay up then.

Am I a Philistine? Am I missing out on something beautiful? Some people clearly believe so but I'm not buying it. It's chewed-up baby food regurgitated by a parent for it's offspring. It's bilious and queasy. It's trumpet-vomit.

10:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

For anyone to suggest you are a philistine from not liking jazz I suggest you ask them to sing you a tune you might like in jazz, even hum one for you. Betcha twenty skiddlebe bahs they can't.

10:45 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Stranger on the shore, Acker Bilk. Listen on

11:11 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No no no, I see where you're gong with this Miss Heels, but even though his mellow form of playing is not as bad as other forms of Jazz it is still gack to my ears. NO! I"m against it! And if 'my baby just cares for me' is stuck in my head all day I will be irked.
Actually no I won't, I'll just put Maria Callas on and KAZAM, Jazz be gone.

11:22 a.m.  
Blogger finn said...

jazz kills a mosh pit.
it sucks. well, mostly.

there is one place for jazz, and that is at the blue note in NYC with someone for whom you've held a torch for a long time and the evening is all about anticipation and pheremones.

that is the one place for it.

12:15 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Late at night, squishy sofa, gorgeous man, lotsa wine, soft jazz....mmmm music to make lurve to.

12:22 p.m.  
Anonymous eoin said...

I think the reason that we don't like Jazz is that fully three quarters of the word itself are made up of letters unknown in the old Irish. This explains why the likes of Jazz, Polka and Zydeco have consistently fail to set the dancefloors alight whearas R n' B is heard everywhere in the land.

Jazz also holds the world record for the wankiest band name of all time "The Art Ensemble of Chicago"

12:45 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

"The Art Ensemble of Chicago"
Thanks eoin for making me laugh out loud!

1:11 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Eoin, What? Boyzone, Westlife!

1:13 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The Art Ensemble of Chicago? Snarf snarf, oh dem jaaaz singers sho' are crazy cats.
OH those bloody Westlife chaps and Boyzone and Back Street Boys and N'sync and Boys to Men, terrible terrible terrible. But not as bad a jazz!
However, if you've ever seen Boyzone dance on the late Late Show...

2:07 p.m.  
Anonymous eoin said...

Shebah-- You're right those are shitty, shitty names, but wankiness is a different beast to simple shitness. Goth boots are shit but Chelsea boots are wanky. Jim Davidson is a shit comedian but Ben Elton is a wanky comedian. For some reason only men can be wanky and there is no direct female equivalent.

3:08 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

I geddit, Eoin, its a class thing - working = shitty middle = wanky?? What about Rhona Cameron - would she qualify as a wanky comedienne?

3:40 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Jim Davidson is a commedian??

4:07 p.m.  
Anonymous eoin said...

Nope Goths are almost uniformly middle class, I've always presumed that's why they hate "chavs" so much.

Rhona Cameron, dunno really, like I said there's no exact female equivalent because the soul of wankiness is trying to impress girls in a subtle indirect way but making a tit of yourself. If you don't make a tit of yourself then it's called art.

4:35 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Sounds like you might have personal experience in this... art of
Bonus points for poetry.

4:50 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

AGREED!!! "session Jazz" God, what the fuck do they think they're DOING?

5:05 p.m.  
Anonymous eoin said...

Bang on Eva! That's why there are ten jazz cds in my collection, all carefully selected from Blues and Soul magazines'1998 poll of the top 100 jazz LPs of all time.

5:11 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I appreciate your honesty.
And bravery for this last post.
Obviously you fear not the wrath of FMC.

6:03 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I appreciate your honesty.
And bravery for this last post.
Obviously you fear not the wrath of FMC.

6:04 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:19 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

FMC, you're breaking my heart here. Jazz is a very broad genre, Before you dismiss all of it - check out anything by the guitarist Grant Green, or the gorgeous bluesy hammond organ of Jimmy Smith. How about Django Rheinhardts gypsy jazz, surely everyone can love that. Then again I love Miles Davis's Bitches Brew.

6:23 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Never! I won't do it. Stop that John, you're like the man in the mac saying, 'come here precious, come put the puppy...'
Never I say!
There will be no wrath, I think everyone should like what they want. I will hate jazz as long as I draw breath, and I will love Opera no matter how many of my friends roll thier eyes and say 'oh Shit Cat, will you turn that screeching down a bit.'
It's what makes the world go round innit?

7:21 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

John Mc has a point. Jazz is a HUGE genre, with many subgenres.

Big Band (love it), Swing (love it) blues (depending on the artist and era, sure), Dixieland (why bother), etc. These all fall under the jazz umbrella.

But when you say jazz, we all know what comes to mind first. And that just sucks.

7:26 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sweet Jesus, once again I would like to point out that I can spell, but I am a terrible typist, truly terrible, and not just that, I type badly at great speed. So when ever you ses an odd word or 'becasue' just ignore it and try to guess what I could possibly have meant.
( I actually typed 'whenevery you se an off word or 'becasue' just ignore it and trey to guess what I culd possibly have meant')

7:28 p.m.  
Blogger deadpanann said...

I kept glancing fearfully around me, on the look out for mime artists and poetry readers who might leap from the presses and preform their craft.

It was at this exact point in your post that I actually feared I would lose consciousness for laughing too long without a breath.

As for jazz, I'm a little confused about what exactly falls under that category. I know exactly of what you speak when you say "abstract session" jazz, and loathe it almost as fiercely as you do. But there are other jazz-ish songs that I hear here or there on occasion that have a discernable melody and don't make me want to stab anyone, throw myself from a train, or shoot the radio.

7:29 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Stay away from the light Andraste. That John, he's a renowned charmer, one minute you'll be all 'hey this isn't so bad' next you'll be scattin' and be-bopping along with the best of 'em.

7:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Welcome Ann! I have visited you many a time, quietly and without fanfare, like a true sneak.
I see what you are saying, like that Nina Simone who I rather like, does she come under a Jazzy-escue brolly? If she does I may have to do some swearing, cursing and hat eating. Fortunately I wear Vienetta.

7:37 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

Now any of did you of you hepcats see my beret....

8:32 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sure baby, it's back in the smokey bar, you know the one, small dingy with a small raised stage and a tattered velvet curtain. Some dude in white gloves called Marcel picked it up, he says he's gonna keep it in an imaginary box under the strobe light man. Can't miss it. If you want he'll pull it up for yu with an imaginary rope.
Clickity click ye-aah.

10:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Devin said...

Apparently the German for Jazz is Schrage Musik.It needs to be pronounced like you're trying to hack up that phelgm ball that's been giving you gyp since you smoked the 200 Marlboro's to keep from paying the duty on them right in front of that customs langer on the Mexican border.Where the fuck was I going with this? Ah right....Jazz is a pile of old arse.

9:27 a.m.  
Anonymous The Ebb said...

People who don't like jazz are cunts who wouldn't recognize a melody if one came up and shat on their face. People who don't like jazz deserve to have screwdrivers forced into their ears until they are totally deaf.

4:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That might save us from having to hear that tripe!!

5:21 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goths don't exist.

7:19 p.m.  
Blogger socajai said...

thank you for explaining it.
you said it, you're afraid of jazz.
i get it.

5:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Petrified. I'm glad you understand.

8:13 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello ! I was searching for people that could have an interest for my music with the help of the name Art Ensemble of Chicago (an important inspiration for me) and found your blog.

My new album is now available for sell, but it's still without its first reviews. In the past, I have received incredible press from a variety of sources (All Music Guide, great composers...).

See and mostly listen by yourself some Philosophie Fantasmagorique.

Thank you !

Vincent Bergeron

"In the course of a lifetime, one encounters very few major musical talents. Vincent Bergeron is one of those few, a unique composer who is at the forefront of musical thinking."

Noah Creshevsky
Professor Emeritus, Brooklyn College of the City University of New York
Director Emeritus, Center for Computer Music at Brooklyn College

11:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can hate Jazz as much as you want. I'm sure there are other people in the world who will sympathize and agree with you to the full extent, and I'm sure there will be people who won't.

But, just because you hate it, it doesn't necessarily mean that everyone who hates it is superior. That's pointless and just plain false.

1:30 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"You can hate Jazz as much as you want.'

9:56 a.m.  
Blogger Jane said...

You're so right!! Jazz makes no freaking sense. I don't get there's such thing as "jazz theory"...what is it, play absolute nonsense?? LOL

2:10 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

See? Jane gets it!

1:42 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok hi, im a jazz student at a college in london. Just before i begin, Jane if you want to see what 'jazz theory' is check it out its a bloody nightmare!

Basically all of jazz is built up of major and minor scales but in completely different combinations. Its hard extremely hard.

This leads on nicely what I want to say. Jazz is not a form of entertainment as such, comparede to hip-hop stars or pop stars, jazz is a form of art, there to push the boundaries of music.

You will be unaware that jazz plays a major role in the popular music of today. The brutal artists of jazz have developed wheat we all recognize as popular music.

So for everyone that is disrepecting jazz here, fair enough, you may hate, that is not a problem. However, you must respect that it has affecting the likes of Justin Timberlake and Kanye West.

6:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yes, I blame it for that too.

10:34 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Saying jazz is nonsense is ridiculous.
In Jazz, you play the notes of the chords, the scales that apply to each chord. In rock and blues and such, you dont do that, you merely play on scale throughout. Rock, blues, country, etc. is very easy to play. Jazz is very difficult to play. It requires much more knowledge of music theory.
Jazz improvisation can be abstract as well, much as an abstract painting by Van Gogh, or Picasso, in which the normal rules are turned upside down in order to convey something new.
You may not LIKE jazz, which is fine, as no one likes everything. But to say it is nonsense, is, well, nonsense.

1:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And, here is an idea, since you hate jazz with such passion.
Why not give us a list of your top ten favorite artists or songs. I want to see what you consider to be "good", that should be interesting.

1:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I find it nonsense, and that's the point. And it would appear I'm not alone.

"I want to see what you consider to be "good", that should be interesting."

Why would what some one else likes be of interest to you? It's not like we hang out.

1:26 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BWAHAHA! This post cracked me up. I don't like jazz either.

7:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the most ignorant shit, jazz is such a broad category ranging from very simple to extremely complex. I suggest you all listen to miles davis' album Kind of Blue to start and then try to say you can't hear a melody or it's too complex. Name your favorite bands and i guarantee I will pick apart any one of their songs explaining how the concepts came out of jazz.

3:08 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you hate jazz? you fear jazz!

7:24 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Once again, why the fuck would anyone care what I like? What matters is I DON'T like horrible screechy jazz.
I do fear the jazz, last monkey, I fear being trapped and beedle-booped by it.

4:00 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An anonymous wrote: Rock, Country and so forth are easyto be played, Jazz isn't. So,is Jazz better because is it difficult to play? I love Rock music and I know Rock derives (partially) from Jazz...still, I hate Jazz with every atom of my body. I know there are many flavours: big band, bebop, free, cool, uncool, totally-fucked-up and so on, but I deeply dislike any of them. And I hate jazz people, at least the ones that stare at you with that "superiorish" face and say "you don't understand music"...get lost. Romans used to say de gustibus non disputandum est, everyone to his taste.So what's wrong?

5:10 p.m.  
Anonymous answer said...

"Once again, why the fuck would anyone care what I like? " i do agree with this, however it is slightly hypocritical considering you seem to think people care what you dont like... you have to be one of the most stupid, ignorant and most of all arrogant people i have encountered for writing such a load of shit all over the internet like people care..

1:01 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice post! My friend wrote a couple of pieces about hating jazz on my blog.

It's so surprising the amount of angry jazz fans complaining about her opinion!

I Hate Jazz

I Hate Jazz 2

9:30 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And yet here you are 'answer' commenting away...caring with all your little might. Too funny.

Cheers other person, I'll take a gander.

3:26 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Classic, N01d, another one for the interwebular police!

3:30 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:41 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd rather learn a difficult 32 bars of blues or classical piece than playing an 8 bars jazz scale!I can't and don't enjoy jazz! It's unexplainable.

1:22 a.m.  
Blogger Beccs said...

I love Jazz, Wayne Shorter, Dexter Gordon, Joshua Redmann, I feel free when I listen to Jazz :)

6:55 p.m.  
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Although I have the utmost respect for jazz due to its complexity I can only stand it in short doses. Basically, all jazz begins to sound the same and becomes extremely boring after too long a listen. I would choose metal over jazz any day. Although jazz defeats metal in the complexity department metal is technical and complex enough to still hold its own. In addition, metal is infinitely more diverse than jazz, providing a superiorly interesting listen.
Perhaps the worst part about jazz is the fan base. Jazz fans have the tendency to be extremely ignorant when it comes to other genres of music, sometimes immediately dismissing that genre as garbage. They feel the need to constantly compare their music to other forms so that they can feel superior. I once saw a jazz fan state that other forms of music were for individuals with lower IQs, which really grinded my gears. In basic terms, a lot of jazz fans are pretentious pricks. Simple as that.

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