Thursday, August 23, 2007

Gardai fitness.

There is a bit of a bruhaha in the media about whether or not a sikh man- who applied to join the Gardai reserves-should be allowed wear his turban. Personally I think a uniform is a uniform and let that be that. However I"m not too bothered about it one way or another, but I do wonder will he be asking to carry his sword too, and if not, why not?
Like I say, I'm not too bothered.
On the other hand I am bothered by lardy-arsed cops.
Yesterday I made my way to a cheese and wine thingie at a dear friend's home. I was heading down the canal and due to some roadworks I had to make a minor change to my route which took me through the leafy gorgeousness that is Dartmouth Square. Velly pleasant it was too, windows open, cats lounging in the warm evening air, a bottle of perfectly chilled wine in my backpack...delightful.
I was almost at the Lesson street church when URHRHHRHRHHRHRHRHHRHRH, a bloomin' squad car screeched to a halt in front of me and out popped Police chief Wigam.
Now naturally my first thoughts were, 'I'm innocent I swear. I did take her watch but I was young and it got broken in a basketball game. Tell my mother I"m sorry.' But my mild panic abated when PCW thundered past me, clutching his walkie talkie to his anti-stab vest, and lumbered up the road at the speed of snow.
Now as he huffed and puffed his way along a second man came around the church and roared. 'He went the other way.'
PCW waved breathlessly and took off at a crawl up Lesson street towards the bridge. I-ambling along behind him- almost caught up to him at the lights.
He turned and came back down the street towards me , just as a blonde woman wearing a sun dress and dirty white socks came out of one of the buildings.
'DID YA GET HIM?' quoth she.
PCW-quite out of breath from his 40 metre trundle- squints at her. ' 'Who are you now?"
Ye Fucking thick,' quoth she most unamused, 'I'm the one he done it to.'
And at this point I passed them and missed out on any more of their delightful conversation and what exactly the missing suspect might have 'done'.
But see here, even if the suspect had been standing across he road eating a bag of chips PCW wouldn't have caught him, not unless the suspect was slower than a one legged dog. And that's ridiculous.
But not as ridiculous as having unfit Gardai. The job of the Gardai is to protect us tax paying citizens from miscreants and reprobates. To protect us Gardai should be able to do one of two things in my view, catch and subdue suspects. Now I have no doubt that PCW could have subdued a suspect merely by sitting on him, but unless said suspect lay down voluntarily, no dice.
Certain jobs require a certain physique. Firemen need to be strong enough to drag or carry an unconscious person from a building and lug hoses around, and if my semi naked char-idee calendar is anything to go by they seem to be hitting the weights room regularly, (phoawoor Fireman July).
So what of the Gardai? Isn't there a physical? Don't they have to maintain a level of fitness?



Blogger P1P said...

a regular fitness test would seem appropriate. If the waddle rather than run then perhaps a job as a butcher would work out better for them.

10:49 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Thay have to be fit going into Templemore, after that all bets are off. Your Clancy was probably a lissom athlete back then, now all his overtime money is on his belly and backside. It's not for nothing they're referred to as porkers, although Mr Orwell may have had a part in that too.

10:49 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

But why? What use are they if they can't do the job they're supposed to do? If they can't outrun a gouger or are too knackered to overwhelm them what's the bloody point of them?
This fellow last night couldn't have caught a cold.

10:56 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"Stop or I'll have a heart attack!' might be his refrain.

10:56 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

We've been conditioned by years of cop shows (The Sweeney, Starsky et Hutch etc etc) into thinking that it's all chasing, bonnet rolling, and fence jumping. In reality it's more like...
Felon (looks through binoculars): "Ah, there you are Guard." (shouts) "I'm over here!"

The good lad then waits for the guard to reach him or call for reinforcements.

Then he says, "I'll read me me rights while you catch your breath, Guard. Oh, and take hold of me sleeve there so I can do a bit of resisting arrest for you."

That's what it's really like.

11:08 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

But on Hill Street Blues there were always chases, dammit.

11:20 a.m.  
Anonymous Primal Sneeze said...

Maybe who you saw were TJ & TJ from the Matt Cooper Show on TodayFM.

11:32 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...


12:24 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

You are right fmc it’s a disgrace. They are the most corrupt public body in the country. Just far laughs look at this, it is the Garda’s “New Physical Competence Test”. Hilarious.

1:38 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...


1:38 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Nonny, props to you for making me laugh even though I am hungover like a goat.
So, let me see if I have this... if they can climb under a railing, lift a 15k wheel and carry it 3 whole metres, climb some step and 'navigate' some cones they're guard potential? Oh no wait, they also have to be able to drag a 45k dummy, because dragging a 45 k dummy is exactly like dragging a 250 pound drunk man off the middle of the road and jumping over a mat is almost identical to chasing some little nippy bollix after he's robbed a handbag. Why even the beam work is a must for any Guard who has to break up a fight between drunk on a Saturday night. Awesome. Just awesome.
Sweet chulthu on a star ship. this is even worse than I thought.

1:55 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

I know it is funny but all jokes aside it is terrible. I am trying to download the one for the NYPD, it is taking an age. I feel shame a brewing!

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

There definitely is something to that cliche about cops hanging out in donut shops. They tend to be large, barrel chested brutes over here, though some are deceptively fit. And bald. Most of the ones I've met are bald. The detective who came to our house after the break in was a dead ringer for Michael Chiklis. Kinda hot, actually.

Firemen are sexy, non?

2:36 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Firmen are fabulous especially the ones with big hoses, I kid, I kid, some are lovely and very fit. It is very hard to get into the fire brigade here i believe they have a rigid selection process. Maybe the Garda should follow suit.

2:56 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

That was Firemen sorry for i am *Dylexics

3:00 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You know, I had a VELLY filthy dream about Vic Macky once.
Barrel chested and massive is one thing, fat and soft and out of breath after a short run is another.
Nonny, I swear to god I have the offical Dublin Fire Brigade 2007 Charity Calendar right by my side here, and July's dude is in AWESOME shape. You could grate cheese on his abs. Mmmmcheese.

3:49 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

You know which cops never get fat? The ones on bicycles. They should halve the patrol units in cars and put more of them on bikes.

3:53 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

em hmm do you know Mr July's real name? His phone number would also be most helpful, if you don't it don't worry i'll ring 11811, it's just i have a feeling a fire is about to start.

4:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He's fire fighter Ger Devine! And I would agree with that.
Medbh you're quite right, a few more chaps about the place on bikes might be the ticket. There's one who goes around Bushy Park on his bike. I believe he's on the look out for young lads drinking and smoking doobies. Fine legs he has too.

4:19 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

are you gonna post a pic of this Mr July stud? C'mon share him with us.

4:58 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So because you saw 12 selected firemen they are al fit and Gardai are all fat because you saw 1 fat one? THat makes sense. Both jobs have fit people and both have fat ones however try to remember that most people would be out of breath having run full speed over 40 metres. Even professional athletes get tired at short distance. You should also remember that Gardai work very bad hours where healthy food is not always a realistic option and their beds are a far better option than the gym.

Actually another difference is that Gardai dont have proper cooking facilities in stations, foremen actually have a specific person too cook during the shift. Gardai are not allowed sleep or work out while on duty, fireman have these options.

Last but not least, most Gardai wear multiple lairs to keep the cold out while they stand on the street for 8 hours in January, they carry a baton, cuffs, body armour, radio, first aid equipment, torch, various other items and utility belt. That stuff isnt made of anti-gravity material you know. Now you try running 100 metres at top speed carrying all that, then wrestling with a prisoner and not being out of breath.

5:16 a.m.  
Anonymous Tom said...


Here in some parts of the US, you have to be fit to get the job, but once ensconced in the Union, you're free to bloat up as much as you want ('long as you can fit in the cop car).

And I have to correct you on one point: cops are not there to protect you, they're just there to enforce the law (if they can). Self-protection is the order of the day.

10:43 p.m.  
Anonymous Ballard said...

Maybe who you saw were TJ & TJ from the Matt Cooper Show on TodayFM.

6:45 a.m.  
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