Thursday, November 13, 2008

A small cold fear.

I was outside Pia Bang yesterday trying to suck the green wine gum out of the roll (why must they be packed so tightly?) when I heard,
'Fatmammycat?"
'Yes?' I said, barking it not unlike Father Jack. I am easily surprised.
'It's me!'
I turned and was confronted by an enormous person with a baby strapped to their chest in some sort of sling.
'Er...'
'Me, old school chum, from school.'- she didn't, by the way, actually say that, she gave her name, rank and serial number but you can't have them, you might be her for all I know.
'Oooooooooah' I said, usefully.
'How the hell are you!?'
'Oh, I'm fine and you?'
Well we exchanged pleasantries as you do and after a few moments I ran out of things to talk about and I said, 'Well it's been great to see you but I-'
'Do you want to go get a drink?'
'Oh I can't- I've got to get to Fallon & Byrne before they close and-'
'I'll come with you.'
'Oh, okay then.'
So we went to Fallon & Byrne where I bought cooking chorizo and black pudding for the lentil stew the paramour promised to make. She talked and talked and blocked out the light. After that we went for coffee in Starbucks as this apparently is what the lady in question likes to do most when she is in Dublin. The whole time we were out and about the baby strapped to the front of her chest neither moved nor made a sound, and disturbingly she made no reference to it other than to say she had four of them in total.
By the time I had finished my luke warm mocha I was getting antsy.
'That is a very quiet baby you have.'
'Yes,'said she and off she went telling me about the various marriages girls from my year had made and so on.
We left Starbucks and it was getting dark and cold. She buttoned up her great coat and leaned in to crush me in her mighty arms.
'It was great to see you again, I can't wait to tell the girls.' She said.' You must come visit.'
'Muuffghh.' I said. But underneath the yards of scratchy wool in which I was engulfed I was trying to not to crush the non moving baby. I did manage to place my hand on its tiny fingers, they were cold.
By the time I had walked home I was doubly perplexed.
'What's eating you?' The paramour said, as I took of my coat.
'Do you think it would be rude to interrupt a person talking and ask them if their baby is real?'
'Probably.'
'What about dead?'
'Yes, I think that's probably rude too.'
'I feel very old.'
'Why?'
'I don't know.'
'Do you want dinner?'
'Do you want babies?'
'What?'
'Nothing. Sure, dinner would be fine.'
Then he made steak and chips and although they were delicious I could not get the small unmoving blueish baby hand out of my head.

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40 Comments:

Blogger gimme a minute said...

That is an extremely disturbing tale, well told.

Even if the baby was neither fake nor dead. Though I'm guessing fake.

10:23 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm sure it was real, just very very quiet. I just found it odd behaviour on her behalf. No reference to it, almost like it was a handbag. The paramour suggests that maybe because she already has four she's not one for making a fuss, but I still say it's weird. I don't even know if it was a boy or a girl. I cannot be doing with having Trainspotting dreams.

10:38 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

Some babies have cold hands, I think its because they are not moving enough to circulate the blood or something. My friends brand new bambino had freezing hands the other day, I found this strange, apparently I was "fussing" hmm.
Very very strange about the woman though, if it was me I would be like "hey did you see my deadly and really cute teeny baby" though maybe she is just a strange person. I am mildly disturbed that it could be fake or dead though. Hmm.

10:59 a.m.  
Anonymous red leeroy said...

unsettling. I couldn't help but think of that bairn in trainspotting. You should have followed her to have learn more. faux baby wearers could be ten a penny?

11:13 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

hmm, saw a programme recently about those fake babies - disturbingly real looking for disturbed people.

Btw, I detest all that small-talk shite with people from school, old jobs, extended family etc. It's just so frickin unnecessary.

11:13 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's it Babs, When we sat down in Starbucks I was expecting her to unstrap and, I don't know, turn the baby around or something. I was down in my oldest friend's home last week and her baby is 5 weeks old now and she making sure his head was comfy, that he was warm, what did I think of him, did I want to hold him, you know, stuff!
It was all a bit strange.

11:14 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Fake babies Sheepie? Why? Why would anyone want to do that? What was it about?
Oh small talk is the Devil's smegma, I don't mind a little bit to be polite but I'm buggered if I care what some 'girl' I don't know and barely remember is doing with her time. I also despise grown women being referred to as girls, but Im prickly that way.

11:17 a.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

Apart from the very obvious, another slightly disturbing thing I would have found is the rattling off of the histories of everybody you used to share a classroom with.

11:26 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It was a bit odd, firstly I'm not great with names and couldn't place half the people she was talking about, which seemed to really throw her. I suppose it's normal, she still lives there so she would see folk on a more regular basis, but honestly the marital status of a girl I sat beside in geography in 4th year is not that interesting to me. Nor the news that her marriage is failing. That's even worse.

11:30 a.m.  
Anonymous Ronnie said...

Serves you right for loitering with intent outside Pia Bang. by the way, you've just given somebody a great plot-line for a buke, why don't you do it ? If that dose of a Celia can do it ...................

11:39 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

FMC: http://www.channel4.com/video/my-fake-baby/series-1/episode-1/living-doll_p_1.html

disturbing stuff.

11:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Good lord Ronnie, that might involve actual work. And no one wants that.

Sheepie, I'll take a gander later on, cheers.

11:43 a.m.  
Anonymous Ronnie said...

Work for a normal person, maybe,
a piece of piss for you.

12:10 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I saw that programme Sheepo, it's one of the creepiest things I've ever seen... the Granny who had a fake baby made to look like her grandchild.... urrrrgh!

Missus, that woman is certifiable whether the baby is real or not. All that time and she didn't say its name, pay it attention, talk to it...? WTF!!

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

She did nothing Conan, I swear, it was as though it was a hand bag she was carrying. I can't understand it.

Ronnie, hah, you underestimate how lazy I am.

12:17 p.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

Oh god, she never even said it's name. That's weird. But then did you acknowledge it? As in ask questions etc; It is very freakazoid alright. The new baby of that friend, I was holding him the other day and gushing about how great he was and how soft his skin was blah blah, I can't imagine someone not doing that with their own child, while talking to someone who they hadnt't seen in years, very odd. Ooh its given me the shivers.
I hate that small talk bullshit, I just pretent I don't remember them and then leggit, or dont make eye contact if I see them first, it's all bullshit and you don't want to be telling a perfect stranger the ins and outs of your life for the past years and years. Odd!

12:30 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I saw the fake baby documentary too, one of the weirdest and creepiest things I've seen in a long time, and let's face it there are a lot of material out there.
I would guess maybe it's like the paramour says, since this is her 4th kid she hardly notices them plop out anymore?

12:36 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

I think she was probably just very lonely. Very lonely and completely bloody insane.

Weirdywierdywierdy.

I'd have poked it. See what it did.

1:33 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I'd have poked it.

Ahh, the Gary Glitter approach.

1:36 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Twenty!

All that glitters must be gelded.

1:54 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Okay, I knew I shouldn't have looked at that 'fake baby, reborn' link, now I am squiked the hell out. I believe I will retire to the gym fro a while and bash stuff.

1:58 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

All that glitters must be gelded.

hah

2:07 p.m.  
Anonymous Ronnie said...

You cannot be lazy, oh excellent one, with the amount of stuff you publish here. b.t w., I'm sorta, halfish, nearly, almost back so why don't you pop over some time when you're not too busy.

3:10 p.m.  
Blogger PI said...

Not a sound? Not a hiccup? Not a murmur?
Very weird - especially as I've been watching the Commander about pinched babies.
It's a great basis for a tale of mystery and imagination.

3:46 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

By the time you have 4 kids I suppose the thrill is gone.

4:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I suppose darling, but even so...
Pat, not a sausage, not a whimper, not a gesture.
Ronnie, done.

4:54 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hmm, the paramour scared the blue jaysus out of me a few minutes ago by sneaking up behind me and then speaking very loudly. When my heart stops skittering about in my chest I must plot revenge, even though I swore blind I wouldn't leap out from a hiding place for at least a month. Far as I am concerned ALL BETS ARE OFF!

4:55 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Slip an ice cube down his back!

5:17 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hah! Oh it's ON, when it's ON, it's ONNN!

5:22 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Would the bigger of the cats oblige you by poogooing him? No? Cats aren't very obliging.

Wait a few days, then emerge hesitantly from the bathroom holding one of those home pregnancy test thingys, saying, "Paramour... I've got some news..."

5:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Pfft, that wouldn't scare him, he'd start ordering football outfits and tiny tiny football boots. Regardless of gender.

5:47 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Hmm, so it has to be a real physical shock, eh? If he has a particular bottled beer he likes you could spike it cold from the fridge with some hot hot chilli?

6:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yes, that sort of thing. I won't do anything 'orrible to him right this second as he's cooking up a storm, but when he least expects it...well there will be high pitched girlish shrieks and they won't be coming from me.

* plots scare, wonders why the fucking chimney keeps sending smoke back into the room.

6:16 p.m.  
Blogger Annie A said...

That is very unnerving.

9:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It really was most disturbing.

10:31 p.m.  
Blogger Ramon Insertnamehere said...

Bub was probably asleep and she didn't want to wake it up.

You really, really don't want a soundly sleeping baby to wake up suddenly.

Trust me on this.

12:10 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ah, aha. I trust this is the terrified and no doubt whispering voice of experience.

7:28 a.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

Oh my god, you didn't see the fake baby programme! Look it up on Youtube, it was made for you to scoff at!

I am horribly disturbed by the dead baby thing. Urg. I mean, the thing about slings is that they're meant to keep the baby both warm and involved with things. I suppose when you have number four, you just strap it to you and get on with things. This is why I'm stopping at two.

10:51 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I hadn't seen it Jo until I write this post. Very very disturbing.

6:39 p.m.  
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