Raw foods, I'm against it!
I could have wept. FG was ashen-faced when he realised there was no wine. We pounced on the artist to find out what was going on and were astounded to hear that she didn't eat cooked foods.
'I don't understand.' I said. 'What do you mean?'
'I mean I don't eat cooked food, only raw.'
Fruits, nuts, vegetables, seeds. You know, raw.'
'No mashed potato? No gravy? No sausages?' I said, hand clasped against my heart.
'No,no no.' She waved an arm, bangles jangled. 'Cooking destroys the enzymes. We don't need to cook food to enjoy it.'
'Don't we?' I stared at her sunken cheeks and clutched French Gay's hand. 'But what about roast chicken? What about roast beef?'
The artist frowned at me, probably wondering how many times she would have to say 'uncooked' before it sunk into my thick head.
'We need to heat some zings.' French Gay leaned in. 'What about café?'
'I never touch the stuff.' She said pulling a disgusted face.
'Shepherds pie, pasta?' I said, my voice now a horrified whisper.
She ignored me-probably best.
'I live by a principle, it's in my work, my art, my being. I do not destroy, I live in harmony, as we were intended to do.'
'Oooooff, zat iz not wat I would call living.' French gay sniffed.
'Toast?' I whimpered.
The artist excused herself and walked away.
'Steak? Chips? Fried eggs?' I cried after her. 'How can you? What's wrong with you?'
French gay shook me. 'Stop zat. Get ze 'old of yourself.
'OH French gay, you have to stop making me come to these things. I can't- take me away from here, take me away.'
He did, he took me to the nearest pub where we had two packets of cheese and onion crisps and two rum and cokes.
Thus the natural balance of the universe was restored.
Until this morning when I read the following........
Peta claims a meat-free diet can help bulging pets.
ANIMAL rights activists have gone barking mad - they want pet owners to feed their cats and dogs vegetarian meals.
Peta (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is trying to persuade owners that a meat-free diet is best for their pet's health and will help them fight the flab.
It is launching a web page outlining why cats and dogs should go veggie - or even vegan.
The group cites rising levels of obesity-related illnesses in pets as a reason to cut out meat - despite the fact such animals' metabolism is best suited to a meat based diet.
Its new advice page says some canned pet foods contain "ground up parts of animals that you or I would never consider eating".
It adds: "Making vegetarian food for dogs is easy because dogs, like people, are omnivorous and usually hearty eaters."
But it warns: "Cats are often more finicky than dogs, and their nutritional requirements are more complicated."
Peta advises owners to start mixing vegetarian food in with their animals' usual meals and gradually phase out the meat.
Adding ingredients such as soya milk, olive oil and tomato sauce can help tempt unconvinced pets, it says.
Peta campaign co-ordinator Anita Singh said: "Given a well-balanced vegetarian diet, cats and dogs can win the battle of the bulge., The group advises pet owners to monitor their animals' health after making changes to their diet.
And it lists retailers which sell ready-made vegetarian and vegan pet food on the new advice page, which will launch today at www.peta.org.uk
It remains to be seen if it will detail how much more expensive vegan food for pets is.
AIIEEEEEEEE! It's like waking up from a nightmare only to find the nightmare is seeping into the real world.