Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sunday Lunch with Family.

'What is it?' I ask, puckering my face up in alarm and staring into the bowl.
'A sauce.' Etheline snaps, irked beyond belief with me.
'I can see that but what's it made from.'
'Just try it.'
'It smells fishy.' I say, dragging my plate back towards me.
'Just try it at least.' She's got the 'we are teenagers and I've been caught wearing her favourite plastic earrings, the ones that makes all our ears crusty' expression on her puss.
'I don't want to.'
'Girls,' my mother says, but she's not really interested because she's busy pumping the paramour for information about the house and he's too polite to tell her to turn the lamp off and stop with the needle and pliars.
'You always do this!' Etheline glowers at me and slaps her hand rather dramatically against the table top for emphasis.
'Do what?'
'Turn your nose up when I've been slaving away.'
That Kevin sniggers suddenly. Etheline whirls on him. 'What are you laughing at?'
'Nothing, but come on Etheline, you've hardly been-'
'Tsk!'
'If she doesn't want-'
'She the cat's mother?' My eldest sister says, having clearly gone mad from talking to children non stop for a number of years.
'Kevin stop defending her!'
'I'm not-'
'Her the cat's mother?' I say, deliberately winding my sister up.
'-defending anyone-'
'Whatever.' Etheline says and he stops talking and goes back to trying to watch Liverpool lose over everyone's heads, even though the tv is in a different room.
'So,' my mother says, breathless with cuntiness, 'are you putting gravel in? I hope you don't plan on getting plants -hoo hooo ho, Cat would kill a cactus, hoo hoo ho.'
'Just try it.'
'Etheline it smells fishy. I don't want a fishy sauce on my salad.'
'It is supposed to be fishy, it has anchovies in it.'
'Anchovies! Are you trying to fucking kill me?'
'Cat!' My eldest sister and my mother yell simultaneously. My brother rolls his eyes, Grace, his wife, pretends she is back in the outback killing black widow spiders. My niece and nephew snigger, the other one is asleep, my brother in law is MIA, clever bugger.
'Sorry.' I mutter, but I grip my plate fiercly.
'Too hungover to bloody eat probably.' Etheline sneers, throwing me to the wolf.
'Oh yeah, it's got nothing to do with the fact I hate anchovies, bravo Etheline, well sussed, aren't you clever?'
'Were you out last night?' my mother the wolf asks.
'We were at a wedding anniversary.' The paramour says. 'Family.'
'Oh, it's good to be with family.' my mother says.
'What about the salmon?' Etheline asks, waving her fork at me, 'you going to turn your nose up at that too?'
'Do I like salmon?'
'How should I know? Maybe you don't this week.'
'Hey sport, be a good boy and just turn that tv up a bit.' Kevin asks the nephew, gaining a glare from my eldest sister who does not like her son to be called 'sport.'
My brother leans to one side and farts loudly.
'That's disgusting!' the women all yell. Grace slaps him on the arm. My nephew collapses in a fit of giggles.
'Better out than in.' My brother says mildly and shrugs.''nother beer Kev?'
'Sure, they're in the freezer.'
'What aboout yourself?'He asks the paramour.
'Oh I could definitely use another.'
Etheline sips her wine. 'You know that Healy one across the street. Her husband has been knocking about with that bank clerk-
'Not the blonde one?' My mother says
'Yep, well she found out.'
'What did she do?' My eldest sister asks.
'Drove her car into the front of his car when he was in it. He's wearing a neck brace and everything.'
'Was he actually hurt or is he faking it?' I ask.
'Dunno, but Mary from the clinic was saying...'
Family, better with farts.

11 Comments:

Anonymous eva said...

Your brother obviously has highly-developed diplomatic skills. He could become a negotiatior in war situations.

7:43 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He can certainly clear a room, that's for sure.

10:23 p.m.  
Blogger Face said...

Anchovy farts?

11:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The very worst kind.

9:17 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Farts are a great leveller. The greater the noise/stench, the more likely everyone is to forget what they were getting so annoyed about.

9:25 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Happy feeding time at the zoo, anyone thrown to the lions for dessert?

11:32 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nope, folk in my family are inclined to get easier going the fuller we get, so by desert we're practically civil.

1:15 p.m.  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 12.01
louis vuitton outlet, tory burch outlet, christian louboutin outlet, longchamp outlet, tiffany and co, ray ban sunglasses, michael kors outlet, burberry handbags, michael kors outlet online, oakley sunglasses, uggs outlet, polo outlet, louis vuitton, jordan shoes, prada handbags, uggs outlet, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses, nike outlet, christian louboutin shoes, polo ralph lauren outlet online, cheap oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton outlet, oakley sunglasses wholesale, ugg boots, prada outlet, ray ban sunglasses, nike air max, replica watches, nike air max, michael kors outlet online, christian louboutin uk, tiffany jewelry, uggs on sale, christian louboutin, michael kors outlet, longchamp outlet, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, gucci handbags, ugg boots, ray ban sunglasses, replica watches, louis vuitton, burberry outlet, nike free, longchamp outlet

3:44 a.m.  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

nike free uk, michael kors, hollister uk, converse pas cher, coach outlet store online, sac hermes, true religion outlet, hollister pas cher, guess pas cher, nike roshe, burberry pas cher, north face uk, nike air max uk, polo ralph lauren, oakley pas cher, jordan pas cher, michael kors pas cher, coach outlet, new balance, true religion outlet, hogan outlet, louboutin pas cher, nike roshe run uk, nike blazer pas cher, michael kors, michael kors outlet, air max, true religion outlet, timberland pas cher, nike air max uk, longchamp pas cher, nike trainers uk, sac vanessa bruno, polo lacoste, nike free run, mulberry uk, ralph lauren uk, vans pas cher, nike tn, nike air max, nike air force, ray ban uk, north face, nike huaraches, coach purses, lululemon canada, true religion jeans, abercrombie and fitch uk, ray ban pas cher, sac longchamp pas cher

3:47 a.m.  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

hollister, valentino shoes, gucci, iphone 6s plus cases, s6 case, converse, mont blanc pens, iphone 5s cases, north face outlet, nike roshe run, instyler, insanity workout, herve leger, soccer shoes, chi flat iron, baseball bats, nike air max, new balance shoes, ipad cases, timberland boots, mcm handbags, vans, ralph lauren, giuseppe zanotti outlet, lululemon, iphone cases, soccer jerseys, iphone 6 plus cases, wedding dresses, nfl jerseys, hollister clothing, celine handbags, jimmy choo outlet, north face outlet, nike air max, beats by dre, iphone 6s cases, abercrombie and fitch, reebok outlet, iphone 6 cases, oakley, babyliss, asics running shoes, hermes belt, bottega veneta, louboutin, mac cosmetics, ray ban, p90x workout, ghd hair, ferragamo shoes, vans outlet

3:49 a.m.  
Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

juicy couture outlet, canada goose, juicy couture outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, links of london, moncler, moncler, marc jacobs, swarovski, moncler, thomas sabo, wedding dresses, karen millen uk, pandora uk, canada goose, doke gabbana, canada goose outlet, moncler uk, converse outlet, louis vuitton, louis vuitton, pandora charms, barbour, canada goose, louis vuitton, hollister, swarovski crystal, ugg uk, pandora jewelry, moncler, moncler outlet, ugg, louis vuitton, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, lancel, moncler outlet, doudoune moncler, canada goose outlet, replica watches, toms shoes, ugg pas cher, canada goose jackets, montre pas cher, pandora jewelry, canada goose outlet, louis vuitton, canada goose uk, supra shoes, barbour uk, coach outlet
ninest123 12.01

3:51 a.m.  

Post a Comment

<< Home