Sunday, October 22, 2006

Sunday Lunch with Family.

'What is it?' I ask, puckering my face up in alarm and staring into the bowl.
'A sauce.' Etheline snaps, irked beyond belief with me.
'I can see that but what's it made from.'
'Just try it.'
'It smells fishy.' I say, dragging my plate back towards me.
'Just try it at least.' She's got the 'we are teenagers and I've been caught wearing her favourite plastic earrings, the ones that makes all our ears crusty' expression on her puss.
'I don't want to.'
'Girls,' my mother says, but she's not really interested because she's busy pumping the paramour for information about the house and he's too polite to tell her to turn the lamp off and stop with the needle and pliars.
'You always do this!' Etheline glowers at me and slaps her hand rather dramatically against the table top for emphasis.
'Do what?'
'Turn your nose up when I've been slaving away.'
That Kevin sniggers suddenly. Etheline whirls on him. 'What are you laughing at?'
'Nothing, but come on Etheline, you've hardly been-'
'If she doesn't want-'
'She the cat's mother?' My eldest sister says, having clearly gone mad from talking to children non stop for a number of years.
'Kevin stop defending her!'
'I'm not-'
'Her the cat's mother?' I say, deliberately winding my sister up.
'-defending anyone-'
'Whatever.' Etheline says and he stops talking and goes back to trying to watch Liverpool lose over everyone's heads, even though the tv is in a different room.
'So,' my mother says, breathless with cuntiness, 'are you putting gravel in? I hope you don't plan on getting plants -hoo hooo ho, Cat would kill a cactus, hoo hoo ho.'
'Just try it.'
'Etheline it smells fishy. I don't want a fishy sauce on my salad.'
'It is supposed to be fishy, it has anchovies in it.'
'Anchovies! Are you trying to fucking kill me?'
'Cat!' My eldest sister and my mother yell simultaneously. My brother rolls his eyes, Grace, his wife, pretends she is back in the outback killing black widow spiders. My niece and nephew snigger, the other one is asleep, my brother in law is MIA, clever bugger.
'Sorry.' I mutter, but I grip my plate fiercly.
'Too hungover to bloody eat probably.' Etheline sneers, throwing me to the wolf.
'Oh yeah, it's got nothing to do with the fact I hate anchovies, bravo Etheline, well sussed, aren't you clever?'
'Were you out last night?' my mother the wolf asks.
'We were at a wedding anniversary.' The paramour says. 'Family.'
'Oh, it's good to be with family.' my mother says.
'What about the salmon?' Etheline asks, waving her fork at me, 'you going to turn your nose up at that too?'
'Do I like salmon?'
'How should I know? Maybe you don't this week.'
'Hey sport, be a good boy and just turn that tv up a bit.' Kevin asks the nephew, gaining a glare from my eldest sister who does not like her son to be called 'sport.'
My brother leans to one side and farts loudly.
'That's disgusting!' the women all yell. Grace slaps him on the arm. My nephew collapses in a fit of giggles.
'Better out than in.' My brother says mildly and shrugs.''nother beer Kev?'
'Sure, they're in the freezer.'
'What aboout yourself?'He asks the paramour.
'Oh I could definitely use another.'
Etheline sips her wine. 'You know that Healy one across the street. Her husband has been knocking about with that bank clerk-
'Not the blonde one?' My mother says
'Yep, well she found out.'
'What did she do?' My eldest sister asks.
'Drove her car into the front of his car when he was in it. He's wearing a neck brace and everything.'
'Was he actually hurt or is he faking it?' I ask.
'Dunno, but Mary from the clinic was saying...'
Family, better with farts.


Anonymous eva said...

Your brother obviously has highly-developed diplomatic skills. He could become a negotiatior in war situations.

7:43 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He can certainly clear a room, that's for sure.

10:23 p.m.  
Blogger Face said...

Anchovy farts?

11:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The very worst kind.

9:17 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Farts are a great leveller. The greater the noise/stench, the more likely everyone is to forget what they were getting so annoyed about.

9:25 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Happy feeding time at the zoo, anyone thrown to the lions for dessert?

11:32 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nope, folk in my family are inclined to get easier going the fuller we get, so by desert we're practically civil.

1:15 p.m.  
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