Monday, December 04, 2006

Worst Christmas present ever.

Well, how about it? I was over at sniggering and tittering at Kieran's gifts and then it struck me. What is the very worst present you have ever gotten?
I've had a few, but when I was 7 my aunt_mother's sister naturally- gave me a clown, a clown of unimaginable horror. It was life size- for a 7 year old- it had bells on it it had a big slash for a mouth and it appeared to be following me with its eyes. I was terrified of it, so scared I still have it. It's up there in the attic, waiting, listening. It knows I'm thinking about it.
I'm afraid to get rid of it in case it gets offended and comes back to slit my throat in my sleep some night.
I was also given a jumper from my mother one year, a scratchy round necked jumper, a scratchy round necked with a big stick- on flower the size of a dinner plate on the front. I was thirteen and trying to be Robert Smith. I don't even have the words to describe my utter resentment when I opened that monstrosity.
Oh, and I'd like special mention to go to the girl I did Kriss Kindle with in school in forth year. I should have shoved the plastic bangle up your arse, you freckle-faced geebag. It didn't even fit over my hand. I think you found it on the way to school.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was probably what she had pierced her clit with.

9:21 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I remember one Christmas my brother, who was 4 years older and really couldn't be arsed trying to make any effort at all, bought me a really cheap boxed set of sandlewood aftershave, shaving foam and talc.

I was 11.


9:22 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You look like you could use that foam now, in fairness...

9:30 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Three years ago someone gave me a glass vase with a bunch of fake flowers in a permanent solid jelly "water" - I kept it, skipped a year and gave it to them for Christmas last year!

Twenty M - so could you, in fairness! LOL!

10:04 a.m.  
Anonymous Cate said...

I hate bath shit, Jumpers, PJ's, Gloves, Scarfs, Hats, Perfume, Shitty Jewellery and Slippers.

1:33 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I once got a metal chicken that, when wound up, rolled around clucking, and pooping plastic eggs. I was 17. What the fuck?

1:38 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Kim, that was brilliantly thoughtless of him.
Twenty- Cate is going you some of her collection of bath products, my advice would be to use them.
Shebah, that not only sounds hideous, but the fact that you gave it back had me applauding with toe-curling glee.
Andraste-actually I don't know what to say to that? WTF indeed.

1:43 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my grandfather died.

fucking christmas.

1:50 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Finn honey. I'm so sorry.

2:00 p.m.  
Blogger Boliath said...

Sympathies Finn, my Dad's Anniversary is Dec 21st, Xmas has never been the same.

However, "freckle faced geebag" love that one fmc, will look out for freckley girls to say it to.

2:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You're welcome to it. I have lots more at my disposal. My favourite being ' Hey fuck you Nana Mouskouri!.'
I don't know why, but people either laugh or chase me with sticks.

2:22 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll never forget the Christmas I got polio, spina bifida and the mumps.

Now that was a real downer.

4:58 p.m.  
Blogger Jagd Kunst said...

The realisation that Xmas was a crock of shit one year was the best and the worst gift I could recieve. I don't give OR take gifts on the 25th. I'm a boxing day man.

9:51 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Stephan's day! How odd JK. How can you stand waiting that long?
It's my birthday on Thursday, I will be old. The paramour has a present hidden somewhere and I would be a total liar if I didn't say I had looked EVERYWHERE for it!

10:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Boxing day? Boooooooooooooo.

Too many fucking protestants around here, FMC.

You'll be letting Scots on next.

10:57 p.m.  
Blogger P1P said...

When I was a kid I once said I thought skulls were cool. Every birthday and xmas until I told my sister to get them to stop it my parents got me something with skulls on. A skull (obviously), a skull coffin shaped pill box, a skull fountain (when the water was switched on one of the eyeballs span around), numurous other skull things and a wizard.

Yep a wizard. Why? There were no skulls on it anywhere. I can only assume that the shop that my parents discovered selling this shit had run out of crappy skulls and the sales guy (who was either a genius or satan) said," you know, it's a fact that people who like skulls also love wizards. Here buy this foot high hand painted gandalf".

I hid most of these in the gardens of places I rented to be found by bewildered kids in the future.

9:28 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow, im sure that someone had come across the skulls, wonder what they would do, or think.

2:35 a.m.  

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