Monday, January 08, 2007

High Heel fat burning.


As a frequent wearer of high heels let me just say that it takes YEARS to train feet to get used to them. YEARS! And even then somewhere in the back of my mind a small but vital past of me is whispering, 'what about loafers, or flats, I bet they'd be more comfortable.' Or on angrier days (these are tools of the patriarchy! Stop wearing them, let your leg hair grow, wipe off that lipstick damn you, what do you mean you want to look your best? You shouldn't have to torture yourself to do so, what do you mean you don't accept them au natural either? What about beards? What? Who's Hugo Boss?)
But while flats would indeed be more more comfortable, certain ensembles require a decent heel to tie it all together. And on days when I pull out the higher of the heels you can be damn sure I am, A- going to where I am going by car, B- doing a lot of sitting down when I get there, and C- getting a taxi back. Even then it will be with a certain amount of relief when I get home and kick said heels off, and my feet are FAR from beginners.
So there, I have said it, I am a heel wearer, a good heel wearer in fact. An EXPERT heel wearer.
Which lead me to my post this gloomy wet day. (screw you rain!)

'Stilettoes are the new gym accessory!' Scwwweams The sun.
Reporter Dulcie Pearce goes to her local gym to try out the new 'rage'
Let the foolishness begin...

"DUSTING off my gym bag, I entered the changing rooms with a familiar fear that comes from being surrounded by super-fit people."
(Ah yes, because remember folks, everybody who goes to the gym, esecially in January are super fit triatholons, just sitting buffly in the changing rooms waiting to point at your gutsy and laughing like this 'mwaameaaahhhh!' Perpetuate myth one straight out the gates)

'After pulling on my slightly dated tracksuit and squeezing into my highest heels, I hobbled to the dance hall which had shiny floors and 360-degree mirrored walls."
(Sweet Jesus)
"My instructor, Zoe McNulty, who was stretching with the usual suppleness of a dancer, explained: “It doesn’t matter if you’re thin or fat, short or tall, old or young – this workout is made for everyone to enjoy.”
(I assume most men are not going to join up, so the 'everyone' bit has me puzzled)
"She continued: “Wearing the stilettos changes your centre of gravity, forcing you to pull in your stomach, while improving your balance and making you feel sexy and confident.”

"Then Zoe took me through a succession of complicated lunges, squats, spins and wiggles that were quickly put together to make a ten-minute dance.

“It’s time to release your inner kitten and become the master of your stilettos,” Zoe said, turning up the music.
Following Zoe’s every move to the beats of Britney Spears’ Toxic blasting out of the stereo, I actually started to enjoy myself. If it hadn’t been for the searing pain up my calf muscles, I would have forgotten all about the stupidly high heels I was prancing around in."

Quite.

Okay then, as actresses flogging shampoo the world over say, here comes the science bit.

'When you wear high heel you are immediately throwing your body out of its natural alignment. It affects your posture, as well as putting pressure on your back, knees and can negatively affect your feet as well.
Generally, we're not built to wear high heels for everyday walking, and the position you are forcing your feet into is unnatural (and normally worse the higher the heel), can restrict blood flow, cause cramps give you backache and lead to severe posture problems.
As for your back, it's not so much a matter of affecting the backbone, as causing problems for your disks as they have to support your vertebrae in a completely different way to when you're wearing flats. It can those lead to malformations and joint pains.
And your poor feet suffer such conditions as bunions, swelling of the joint at the base of the big toe; hammertoes, a permanent bend in the middle joint of a toe; neuromas, nerve problems that cause shooting pain into the toes; ingrown toenails; and even stress fractures. Australian Podiatry Association (NSW) vice-president Brenden Brown claims high heels wear likely to increase the risk of foot and ankle injury and pain. "Your tendons claw up, so your toes are clawing up. Your calves may look fantastic, but your feet are going to look like a 90-year-old's," he said.'

Okay, so heels are not great for the body as a whole, most of us know that and limit our time and endurance in them.
Right? Right?
SO why in the name of God would some eegit go exercising in them?! We have great things for exercising in, they're called runners. They are comfortable, lightweight, shock absorbers. You can run safely in them. You can jump and bounce and turn and do all sort of things that burn the old calories.
This kind of flummery gets my dander up, almost as much as 'poledancing class' or as I call it, 'How to emulate a stripper' class, I mean give me a bloody break.
Stilleto shoes do not belong in a gym, and seeing a bunch of women hobbling about in them wearing tracksuits would make whole parts of my womanhood shiver in despair. I might hand in my membership badge in disgust and go off deep into the woods to try my hand at rearing dalmation sheep.
High heel exercise, I'm against it! And so should you all.
I'm off now for a run, rain be damned.
I won't be wearing heels.

224 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

easy for you to say, as one who's obviously released her inner kitten.

those of us who drowned ours need professional help.

12:24 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Would playing Britney coochy shot Spears help at all do you think?

12:46 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I thought you did your kick-boxing in high-heels. In fact I thought that was the point of them.

Oh well, another illusion shattered...

3:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Bare feet Ducky, no shoes allowed, high or otherwise.

3:19 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Aesthetically some ensembles require heels. Athletically, none do. One would have to have the poise and nimble feet of a mountain dik-dik to pull off kick-boxing in heels.

5:19 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That, and at some point gutter instinct might kick in and during the bout you might pull off one of the aforementioned heels and batter your opponent's temple in with it. No good would come of it. I'd surely be barred.

5:30 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I've read this a dozen times and I'd still give my left ball to see you running down the street in your stillettoes (and leotard).
I don't know if it counts as solopism, but I think every one of your posts is calculated to distract me from the serious business of whatever it is.

12:46 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Solipsism!

You know what I meant.

Of course you did.

Temptress.

12:49 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I had a good laugh. I can't remember the last time I wore heels.

I've always had Flintstone feet (as my ex kindly referred to them, the fucker), and once I didn't have to do sales and conventions anymore, it was Docs and 'stocks for me. Give me a good pair of Birki clogs, anyday.

Even after years of ballet, I move with the grace of a drunken hippo (as the current spouse kindly informs me, the fucker), and falling on your face is never sexy, even in heels.

You know, strangely enough, I spent most of my childhood and teenage years going barefoot (yes, the bottoms of my feet were like hooves) and I never had a problem then. It's only when you stick me in shoes that I trip, etc. Strange. Maybe I am some kind of Flintstone/cavewoman/treepeople.

10:19 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The idea of ladies bouncing about in high heels and tight clothing seems like the way forward to me. Remind me again what the problem is?

10:47 a.m.  
Anonymous zoe mcnulty said...

Hi Fatmammycat, this is Zoe McNulty, the instructor responsible for the Stiletto Workout. I was a bit concerned reading your blog as it seems you may have taken a look at Dulcie's article and assumed many things and quite rightly so. As lovely as Dulcie was, there were many reasons as to why the article should have been scrapped and re-written. For a start she didn't actually come along to do the class, merely spent 10 mins in heels posing for photos, which is fine as I understand that she then had someone else to interview of a more urgent nature and a whole lot more newsworthy than an exercise class. Had she had the time to come along and take part in the 45 minute class she'll have understood that the majority of the class is performed in trainers and only 10 minutes at the most is spent in the heels, so it will probably be difficult to form bunions and do damage to one's spine and postural alignment in my class- especially as at least half of the class is spent addressing postural issues and performing toning exercises for the core, strengthening techniques for joint stability and the muscles around the joints and lots of work goes into improving balance, something that all adults should think about focusing on as they grow older and bones become more brittle. On another issue, you mention that men are obviously not a part of 'everyone' who is invited to take part. This isn't true. Although I'm not entirely sure (and it's non of my business) what their sexual persuasion has been, I've actaully taught quite a few guys in the Stiletto Workout. Part of me wishes I hadn't called it the Stiletto Workout as heels, although beneficial, are not essential. And I am well aware that the word "workout" suggests all sorts of images that could disuade people like yourself from trying it out. Another thing that I think you wrongly assume is that as an instructor I am stick thin and bursting with confidence. THIS IS SOOO FAR FROM THE TRUTH! I'm a healthy, busty, completely insecure and wobbly size 16 working in an industry of stupidly slender and buff people and it is through learning how to disengage my brain from acknowledging this fact that I can actually appear to be bursting with confidence. And this is the whole point of my class. Yes, you're going to tone up, yes you're going to burn some calories but most of all you're going come out of the class feeling empowered!! You'd be amazed at the change that I see in people from the start of the class to the finish- they can completely come out of themselves and loosen up- how fantastic that they've relaxed and allowed their bodies to move more freely- all without the use of alcohol!! It's not a striptease class, it's not pole dancing, there's no exposing of flesh, licking of lips or suggestive facial expressions- it's just a bloody good giggle! Now, Fatmammycat, Finn, Fat Sparrow, even you Kim Ayres, I urge you to give it a go cos I promise you, you'll have a good time. And hey, if we're going to exercise, and unfortunately we do have to- it may as well be fun. I wish you much health and hapiness in 2007.

10:32 p.m.  
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