Monday, April 30, 2007

Cocaine, drugs, robots, porky-pies, mmmmmmpies.

Is it too early in the morning for this I wonder?
Bah, nope, let the mockery begin.
Not that I would doubt the veracity of a paper like the Sindo,(Sunday Independent for all you non Irish). Not that I think for one tini-tiny second it would make up sources, steal stories from innocent bloggers or use hyperbolic tactics to sell its delightful paper, but, and there is a mighty big 'but' blowing in the wind this very morning, the lead story from the Life section yesterday had me falling about the place laughing and shaking all over.
Well I wasn't but I might as well have been.
'The end Of The Line' was a story of drugs, cocaine (the champagne of drugs), to be exact and how it is rampant in Irish society and how it's... DUN... DUN... DUN, sorta addictive 'n stuff.
In a less than shocking expose, Niamh Horan goes on to interview some addicts about their experiences.
Except well, who knows if she did or not? Niamh Horan might have interviewed a pigeon outside her bedroom window and her teddy bear Walter (not his real name) for all the sense her 'interviews' made.
First up was the complete and utterly stinking rich Ian (not his real name) He started on the old coke at 19, pretty soon he was hooked and (shaking all over) spending up to 600 and 700 euros on the old coke a week. Like most 19 year olds, Ian ( not his real name) seems to have had an almost unlimited supply of money. But fortunately Ian (not his real name) got help. He told his Mammy (possibly not her real name) and she wasn't too pleased. Then he 'put more cocaine into his body' and his friends weren't too pleased, they took him (shaking all over) off to hospital where Ian (not his real name) was "put on a blood-pressure machine and a heart monitor. Then my family came in. They were very concerned, but I was on a lot of medication at the time, so the rest of it's kind of a blank."
He then attended (shaking all over) the Rutland Centre* and after a few false starts he stopped 'putting cocaine into his body' although no one will employ him -possibly due to the shaking- and he reckons his 'airwaves'are a bit blocked.
But before he returned to the hinterlands he had some words of wisdom to impart. 'At the moment there's an epidemic in Ireland, and it's like America was in the eighties. Nobody knows the dangers of it. People think that it's the champagne, the Rolls-Royce, of all drugs, but I can tell you first-hand that it's probably the most dangerous of them all.'
Next up Philip! (not real name) Come on down dude! You're older right? Cause we're trying to go cross the boards here, last dude was 19, what are you? 27? Awesome!
Okay, so Philip, (not his real name) was working in "a high-profile computer company when he reached rock bottom" (those damn high-profile computer companies will do that to a person, heartless they are)
Philip (not his real name) had it worse than Ian, he 'turned into a robot' from taking cocaine. (at least he wasn't shaking all over).
But after missing a few Mondays at work and going beep-beep-beep when reversing, clippity-clop, off to the Rutland Centre* Philip (not his real name) went and despite worrying that he might 'have to live on a mountain" (clearly a fate worse than death), Philip was finally free of the dreaded drug and he returned to 'playing sport' (robots make terrific golfers)
Onwards dear readers!
Connor (not his real name)was "nearly addicted after the first time". At a mere 26 Connor was spending the 'guts of 300 Euros a day on cocaine' . Fortunately Connor (not his real name) told his family, made his Mam cry, skippity-hopped into The Forest rehab treatment centre (a place I cannot find) and before you can say 'wait, how much money were you-'he was cured.
Next up Marie Byrne, (possibly real name) founder and director of the Aisling Group and she says, 'It's at epidemic proportions now, we knew it was going to happen more than 13 years ago.'
Marie talks a lot of talk, most of it anecdotal, but my personal favourite line was, 'I find that the scale of it is astronomical. Even with the schoolchildren (not real people-that was me) it's not a small number of them doing it, it's a lot. We can see that it's being used in house parties all over the country and in toilets in every pub in the country".
(Man that woman and her spies get everywhere, this is going to play havoc on my bladder, I don't even like to pee when someone can hear me)

Now like I said I simply could not accuse the Sindo of hyperbole, that wouldn't be right, but sources shaking all over, robots, epidemics, everyone's doing it in every toilet in the land? My word! Who knew? Did you? I was out and about this weekend not doing it and the people I was with were not doing it too! What's wrong with us?
You're probably doing it right now, aren't you?

Cocaine! While I don't give a rat's ass about it, I find I'm against it, purely on the grounds that I don't want to turn into a robot (unless it's a robot like Bender, that would be way cool)and I want to pee in peace.

* The paramour pointed out that the article in question might be a spoof and just an ad for the Rutland Centre. He might be correct.
There was a model used throughout said article and despite the fact that they had tried to gussy her up to look like a 'user' she was impossibly glamourous. I super especially liked the crotch shot, nothing says 'cocaine' quite like it.

UPDATE, using the power of his fingertips, Major has found The Forest rehab centre, it's in Wicklow.

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Blogger hellojed said...

What a load of crock. The Sindo are utterly crap at the best of times...their journalists can't seem to spell either, which irritates me. I haven't bought one of their papers in years.

9:58 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Normally I don't buy it either, but I was stuck somewhere and I already had The Times was at home and my only other option was The sunday world. And frankly no power on Earth would make me part with one red cent of my money for that piece of shit.

10:01 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I love the way they talk about these toilets where everybody's doing coke.

Most of the time there's one stall and some urinals and the floor is covered in piss. There are no gleaming surfaces to chop out lines.

It's like that old myth.

"Once you get into senior school people will be offering you drugs".

One of the biggest disappointments of my life was the fact that these drug dealers, who hung around outside schools, seemed to have missed the fact I had left the world of junior school and was now a potential client.

10:19 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Too true major, I've hung around many a bar and I've never been offered coke for free. Bloody scabs, and me ripe with greed.
Now, where oh where is The Forest rehab Centre??? I want to know!

10:25 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

10:33 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Either way it's a nice bit of product placement for both centres, innit?

10:35 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Wicklow! I should have known.

10:36 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Nothing good ever came from Wicklow.

11:11 a.m.  
Blogger Kav said...

Wasn't Mother Teresa from Wicklow?

Which just proves your point.

2:31 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

I cant wait to go back home in nine days and get my self some of this wonderful drug that everyone is doing. I guess given the election people will be doing it even more.

When did we become so cool , Miami Vice eat your heart out.

2:38 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Just remember to wear loafers without socks and you'll be the shit.

3:11 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I don't have time to comment much. See, I sneezed and now all my coke's got in between my keyboard keys. It's going to take hours of robotic methodicalness and a cotton bud to get the damn stuff out.

I want absinthe. Proper old strong absinthe but it's illegal to buy in stores here. It's legal to have it sent from Europe but it costs about $200 a bottle. I might have to sell one of the children on ebay to fund my potential habit.

5:25 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Darling if I were still in Spain I would run out and buy you a bottle of 100% proof and send it to you immediately. They sell it bloody everywhere there. Let the people drink what the hell they want seems to be the Spanish motto-which in my humble view is the best motto to have.

5:32 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

That sounds as bad as the PSAs from Reagan's "Just Say No to Drugs" campaign. You know the whole egg in the frying pan "this is your brain on drugs."
And right, what kind of people in their teens and twenties have wads of cash lying around and no one around them recognizes addiction. It's pure fiction that gets printed because it's sensationalist. "Oh, it's anti-drug so it must be true."

9:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, I know this is all probably a laugh for you all but my sister aged 17 went to a house party in January 2001, she died after a reaction to taking cocaine. Her name was Laura. My parents attended the Aisling Group for conselling as they could not understand how something like this could happen. Their still not the same but it did help.

I can understand you taking the piss out of the articile but to basically say it doesn't happen is stupid in my opinion. I would never wish what happened to my family on anyone but if you could change places with me for 1 day you would know how drugs like cocaine can ruin so many lives.

9:52 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nobody is saying it doesn't happen,of course people die from drugs and drug abuse, but people die daily from alcohol abuse and smoking related illnesses, I don't see the Sindo writing poof unsubstantiated shock and awe pieces on that, do you?
Sorry about your sister. I don't understand how you think we would laugh at that.

4:55 p.m.  
Anonymous menstruation said...

It's pure fiction that gets printed because it's sensationalist

2:13 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

must be so nice for you all in your perfect worlds... and btw addiction treatment centres don't advertise... unfortunately they don't need to

1:13 a.m.  

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