Thursday, June 05, 2008

Jelly baby Lies.

'Fatmammycat!'
'Eep!'
'Where did you get those Jelly babies?'
'What Jelly Babies?'
'What do you mean what Jelly Babies? The ones right there under your pillow.'
'Oh those Jelly Babies. They were put there.'
'By who?'
'Friends of mine, good friends. They knew I was short some Jelly babies and I was upset about that, seeing as I was going through a difficult time and all that, so they had a whip round.'
'A whip round?'
'Yes. I was over in their house earlier and they handed me a big bag of Jelly babies. I was flabbergasted at their jelly-generosity.'
'But you just said they were put there!'
'Well yes, I put them there.'
'But surely those fizzy cola bottles are the ones from the kitchen.'
'Which ones.'
'Those ones, the cola bottles. Hey! Stop putting them in your mouth!'
'Myump myump, gulp. Oh those cola bottles. Well yes. I won those.'
'What?'
'I won them.'
'You won them?"
'yep.'
'When?'
'Before, it's hard to remember when, I'm so innocent you see, my memories get fluffy.'
'Your sister said she saw you take them from the kitchen.'
'I have a sister?'
'What?'
'Oh right, well she's mistaken.'
'She saw you.'
'I doubt that.'
'But she says she saw you.'
'Seems to me like you'd need proof of that. Anything else is just hearsay and conjecture.'
'You're eating the proof.'
'Oh yes. Well. hah, you have me there. Hee hee. Actually these are her cola bottles, she loaned them to me after I swapped some jelly babies with her earlier in the year.'
'What?'
'Oh yes, swapping and loaning, it's all the rage in Jellyland.'
'So you're saying you didn't take anything.'
'I'm not saying anything. But sure cad a thárla? Hee hee.'
'Look, I just want to know if-'
'I think I'll go outside and play now.'
But what about the theft?'
'La la la, if you were the only boy in the world and I was the only ga....l. Hey! Gummy bears. I'd forgotten I even had those. Myump myump.'

Labels:

85 Comments:

Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Mmmm, Haribo nummynumnums...


Mind you, aren't they shockin' awful expensive in cinemas?

10:47 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

They are! Outrageous. Unfortunately sour jellies are like crack cocaine to me.

10:50 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That’s it I am going to the C&C later can buy a store size box of jellies and not just Haribo either, why they have all the jellies of the Rainbow. I’d like the fruit Cola bottles, you know the ones that are pink and white and maybe some fish & chips and Mint Crisp bars and toffee mice, yep definitely toffee mice emmm damn you bitch I’d love some jellies now.

I asked the lady this morning about nail biting, she suggested the icky nail stuff or an Alan Carr book.

Nonny

10:57 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Perhaps I can combine my jelly eating WITH my not nail biting.

11:03 a.m.  
Blogger galwaywegian said...

delicious AND low fat!!

11:29 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

You can have my share of jellies too, I don't like them. That's my gift to you today :)
As for the nail biting, aargh, I guess I'll have to give the icky stuff a try... will let you know how it goes (I'm still very much in doubt - chopping my fingers off might be the only solution)

12:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Low fat to be sure, but carb heavy, damn them.
Eva, try spraying them with perfume. I've managed to keep mine out of my gob due to vileness of perfume taste. It's disgusting, I'm hoping my brain starts to associate the taste with the action.

1:13 p.m.  
Anonymous Primal Sneeze said...

Great post, Bertie, eh, sorry, I mean FMC. I am truly and utterly giggle-fitted to bits.

1:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Top of the afternoon to you my primal sneezed chum. Now since we're obviously close and personal friends, I don't suppose you'd want to send a couple of kilos of Haribo Sours my way? It would just be for a loan, honest.*




* Puts on yellow ill fitting suit and hounded expression.

1:22 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Alan Carr's quick guide to stopping biting your nails.

"THIS WORKED FOR ME, I PROMISE" - Alan Carr

Step 1 - Die.

The end.

1:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ah shaddup. I love Carr, his book was the reason I stopped smoking.

1:44 p.m.  
Blogger gimme a minute said...

Twenty, are you contractually obliged to make the next book another 'memoir'? Could you take the self-help route instead?

I see potential.

1:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Fingernail biting is a disgusting habit cursed by nervousness, often accelerated by masturbation or astigmatism." Thus intoned Ray C. Beery in 1917 in his Practical Child Training Book.


Would you luck at this malarky, there are self help "tips" since 1917.

Nonny

2:08 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

I hate self help books. I think I would probably start biting my nails MORE if I was to try quitting that way - just to stubbornly prove my point :)

2:08 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Good stuff Nonny, hahaha

2:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Accelerated by masturbation you say? Hummmm.

2:20 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't say it, yer man Ray did. So you might have short nails but you are well serviced so to speak. I assume the smile on your face is a permanent fixture. I'm picturing you running around the garden barefoot donning long white flowy dresses. Not a bad trade for short nails one might say.

Nonny

2:26 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

One of my most disgusting habits is that when I'm in the shower and washing my hair bits of it comes off and I put it on the wall. Mr. M calls them my "hair sculptures." The gross part is that I don't clean them up right away. They sit there.

Now that's worse than nail biting, FMC.

2:37 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Medbh that IS gross, I find those things in the gym showers all the time, looking like splattered tarantulas on the tiled walls. Yack! You win.

Nonny, today I am in jeans boots and a rather snug fitting t-shit. Dont' know where folk get the idea that I'm some sort of hippy.*



* she says blowing bubbles across the room.


Right ho, I must run.

2:49 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Fizzy cola bottles are so compelling a love there has to be a reason for it.

I reckon that our primitive tongues always had fizzy-cola bottle receptors all the way back to the Stone-Age, right alongside the salty/sweet/bitter etc. receptors. Over time they fell into disuse as people forgot about the necessity of a fizzy-cola bottle in a diet.

But now they have exploded back onto the palate scene and partakers are helpless to it. It's a hunger we can barely understand only we're sure it has something to do with speared mammoths.

I love the Haribo folks so much I would bite their fingernails for them if they asked. Yes, all of them!

3:39 p.m.  
Anonymous morgor the sweet fiend said...

I fully endorse cherry colas.

nice post by the way ;)

4:25 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

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4:46 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Twenty, are you contractually obliged to make the next book another 'memoir'? Could you take the self-help route instead?

I see potential.


Might not quite make the word count though.

6:14 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

Cola bottles mmmmmmmmmmmmm The US just doesn't do sweets or choclate like Ireland. Now you've got me craving for something I can't have. My mother brings over bags of wine gums for me when she comes, but if my wife gets to them first none are left and divorce proceedings are threatened.

6:19 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Fizzy cola bottles rock. Ever notice how there's not such thing as 'I'll just have one.'
One of the happiest moments of this year was standing in a tiny shop in a tiny village in Scotland and seeing an entire bank of Haribo Jellies. I believe I actually whooped. I immediately bought some and galloped back to the B&B to wake a startled Finn, insisting she try them. Sigh. they were soury and terrific. Myomp.

Cheers Morgor, it's a political jelly-field.

7:02 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

Twenty's guide to stopping nail biting reminded me of a man diet a mate of mine came up with. It started with, 'First, sleep until two p.m......'

10:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Then go back to bed at 6pm?
The perfume thing is working, I've gagged more than once today, but no nibbling.

10:31 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

perfect timing, FMC - i was planning on heading to the grocery store later and have just added sweets to the list.

john mc - if there's an albertson's anywhere in your vicinity you might want to check it out. they don't have a great selection of imported chocolates and candies, but they do have some. wine gums and hobnobs seem to be in every albertson's i've ever been to.

4:15 a.m.  
Blogger PI said...

Trouble with jelly babies they bring out the sadist in me and I positively relish biting their little heads off.
Maybe I need counselling?

10:05 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Har, not you don't, who amongst us has not relished in jelly decapitation? You should see what I do to jelly snakes.

Daily Mae, I hope they were sour.

10:36 a.m.  
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3:26 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Also, we need to determine the rounds of the quiz according to it.
Brazenhead is a great place to go with your family or for
a business lunch or dinner, but if you are looking for a party atmosphere, this isn't it. 8.

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10:13 a.m.  

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