Thursday, August 07, 2008

Wedding Costs.

My oldest friend is getting married next year and as we are wont to do we have been discussing it a great deal lately. ( such is the demand for hotels and what not she has practically everything booked) Her wedding is a large affair, and costly, oh so very costly, so costly she laughingly says she lies awake at night staring at the ceiling gibbering softly to herself in terror.
She laughs when she says this, but there is a base note of hysteria in that laugh.
I've got to be honest I too would be gibbering if I was gearing myself up to pay the HUMUNGOUS sum of money she's prepared to spend on just one day. I'd be gibbering and cutting up my credit cards.
How is it possible that a wedding costs so much money in this country? 30, 000 euros is apparently the AVERAGE cost for a wedding, 30 grand! For one day. That's three zero.
Why are we so prepared to put ourselves into so much debt for one day? What should a wedding cost? Why do we put on such a big production anyway? Why spend 5000 euros on flowers? 4000 euros on a photographer? Who is it all for?
I love my friend dearly, however I can't help but get anxious and fretful when she talks wedding plans. Not because I think she's a foolish woman- she isn't- but because on this one issue she seems to have developed a blind spot and I worry she's going to be paying for that one day for years to come.
When it comes to weddings, what do you think the average wedding should cost? And would you be willing to put yourself into debt to get married?



Blogger morgor said...

heh, medbh had a similar post recently.

I reckon that marriage is fairly pointless except for the tax breaks and surname harmonisation (if someone/both are willing to change their names).

30000 is a stupid amount of money to spend, whats the point? to prove how much they love each other? to display to the world how ostentatious they are? dunno if it's true but i heard somewhere that lots of women have a dream day like their wedding day where they are the centre of attention and have the dress etc etc (but of course it won't be a dream day cos it's real life).

Money better spent on a deposit for a house, or a new car or a new holiday or .... well anything else.

9:42 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Dunno, I think if you're going to spend so much money you can't relax on your wedding day, you spend all the time worrying in case something isn't right. Maybe she should get a wedding planner.

9:44 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Or maybe not, I can't imagine her handing over the reins to someone else like that.

9:45 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The whole thing is all blown out of proportion. This is a big gay pressing issue for me at he moment, as I said yesterday the marriage course is (if you only want to do a weekend) 700 Euro. Now I don’t mind the money I just mind the fuss and the hassle, people expecting you to buy a fabulous dress, deck the church with lily’s, invite and pay for people you don’t like. The whole day will be just a stress ball. I just want one bridesmaid, Lori :) already people are like what about me, what about her. It’s all bollox. I just envision being poor and having a shit day at end of it. I just wanna get married with my friends and family, eat some, drink some and go to bed.

9:45 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Im not overly fond of the massive weddings that seem to be the norm in Ireland. Personally, I would prefer a simple wedding with close friends and immediate family, but when it comes down to it I would probably let the missus decide.

I don't think its about proving anything morgor - some people want everyone to share in their big day, some people bugger off and get married in Vegas.

9:51 a.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

There's lots of ladies on this blog so could you tell me if its true that from childhood some women plan their wedding day?

9:53 a.m.  
Blogger orlaith said...

The scary thing is I don't think anyone sets out to spend 30,000 on a wedding. Most people probably start out with a budget and it just keeps inching higher and higher. My friend is getting married this year and the wedding is quite a small affair by even the most modest of standards. Yet, she readily admits that her fiance is having sleepless nights worrying about they can cope with the cost. They are incurring the cost of putting up family in the hotel etc. Personally, I'm going to eschew the whole wedding day formalities, the expensive day and just elope. I'd rather put the 30,000 into our house or to an education fund for children if I ever get around to having them.

9:53 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"There's lots of ladies on this blog so could you tell me if its true that from childhood some women plan their wedding day?"


I quite like small intimate weddings I must say, with family and a few friends. Makes it very sweet.

9:58 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I couldn't even imagine spending 30,000 grand on a wedding, let alone more than that.

9:59 a.m.  
Blogger orlaith said...

Morgor, I can honestly say I've never dreamed up a big fantasy wedding as a child. I think making my holy communion totally eclipsed the idea, I've already had the big white dress day. Nope, I have to say I don't feel any urge to splash out on a big fancy wedding. I want to be able to afford a two month honeymoon and come back without facing into debt. It's just one day and it can be really special without putting yourself under financial strain. I totally agree with FMC - I could hardly enjoy the day if I knew every minute of it was costing me hundreds of euro in credit. Jill Kerby from the Sunday Times did a very good podcast for RaboDirect about wedding costs, what's sensible etc..

10:05 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No Morgor I am dreading this. DREADING it. The whole thing is rather unsettling. I wouldn't say we have a budget as such I just want a small shindig. Also, I would love to get married in Vegas.but my mother would hunt me down and kill me.


10:06 a.m.  
Anonymous Noonys boyfriend said...

"No Morgor I am dreading this. DREADING it. "

that makes two of us!!

10:15 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I do like the idea of a two month honeymoon though, Orlaith, stick to that one. You'll probably have much better memories from something like that.

10:19 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Noonys boyfriend said...
"No Morgor I am dreading this. DREADING it. "

that makes two of us!!"

I meant the day, not him you looser.


10:24 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

I think if you are an average Joanna living a very routine life, it's the one chance in your life to star in your own special day and feel like a celebrity with all the limelight on you and your partner. I wouldn't begrudge anyone that pleasure. If you have loads of dosh then I'm totally for the full Monty with white horses and feathers and a Cinderella carriage, lorryloads of flowers and Cristal champagne, but personally I'd rather be really practical and spend the cash on travel or the house. The cost of the wedding dress alone, never to be worn again, would fund some serious designer outfits and shoes! It's great that you can get a DVD of the wedding now, as the couple can watch their moment of profligacy for years while they are eating sausages in front of the telly. (profligacy - my good word for to-day!)

10:37 a.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Our wedding cost 7000 quid but that included getting the hub, his mother and sister and I over to scotland.

There were a few things here and there that when we went to pay, found they'd already mysteriously been paid - the band for one - I'm sure by my parents though they deny it. My dad did the flowers and arranged a surprise car for us at the church. We'd got a car for my granny and mother-in-law but we'd thought to just walk it becasue it the hotel for the reception was ridiculously close by.
Some of these things would have driven the price up for us, but not by thousands.

I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the day, spending the money people can spend now. As it was, it was a lovely, jolly day we both enjoyed, and the party afterwards was a blast.

I think part of what kept the cost down wsa that I didn't give myself a huge choice of cakes or dresses or favours or any of it. We'd just go into a shop and I'd pick something. The best part of the plannng was my bridesmaid and I bounding around London - she lived in wimbledon at the time - pretending to hunt for a veil we both knew I wasn't going to wear anyway, and having a thoroughly lovely boozy, unforgettable day eating overpriced tapas in Harrods and being ladies who lunch all day long until it was time for dinner and a bar. We probably spent too much that day right enough, but God, it was a great day.

I was definitely not a girl who'd planned out her wedding in childhood. I couldn't have imagined anything so boring. Some of my pals knew in school what engagement ring they wanted, even before they'd had a boyfriend. I still wasn't even concentrating on it that much within weeks of the dayr.

10:39 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Morgor some women do dream about their wedding since they were wee girls.
I'm not one of them.
I dreamt about a lot of things, marriage and children were not included in any of those dreams.
Maybe that's why I'm still single at age 36? ;)
OK, jokes aside, I think it's bloody insane to spend all that money on one day. Why?
I don't get it.
One of my sisters dreamt of her wedding since she was a child, and at 24 (she's now 41), still single she got desperate and took the first man she could find. On her big lovely wedding day I asked her 'so, are you in love'. She looked at me as if I was crazy and said 'in love!? I just can't be bothered looking for anybody else'.
More than 10 years down the line she has the Marriage From Hell and by the way FMC this was what I told her over the 3-hour Skype-session last weekend.
She couldn't disagree with me though.
Sorry this became a bit off topic but her experience might have put me off marriage for life.
Some people seem to want to get married just for the sake of it.
For me it would just have to do with finding the right person to share the rest of my life with.
If that happened I wouldn't care if I got married on a street corner.

10:40 a.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

HAving planned my own costly wedding I would say that if she's comitted to doing it that big, the extra money on a planner is a great idea.Seriously. You don't know how hideously stressful it is til you do it - and how mad and possessive your previously normal family get. Let them deal with the planner! Save your relationships! Sve your sanity.

I forgot to get travel insurance and lost loads of money when we had to cancel the honeymoon last minute... wouldn't have happened if we'd had a planner!

10:47 a.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

If I'd had a small close circle of friends and family I would have gone small and intimate, but with my broken family no core group of friends it just wouldn't have worked.

Having never been particularly weddingy I was shocked at how into it I got. You see pictures of gold chairs, and startlight ceilings and suddenly you desperately want it.

10:52 a.m.  
Blogger John Braine said...

We bartered our way out of it.

Did web sites in exchange for services. Got a chauffeured car, a photographer, my ring, a hairdresser and I can't remember what else wihout paying a penny.

10:54 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Jo, I can safely say that will never happen to me.

10:54 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About a score a head sounds suitable to me. So working that out ... now let me see ... twenty multiplied by two gives forty. So there €40 - sorted.

10:55 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

She's at that now too, talking about having the chairs of the hotel covered in Linen, I'm like, 'Darling their fucking chairs...' It's like watching someone burning up with fever. Wedding fever.

10:59 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

A mate got married recently and she managed to get pretty much everything on the cheap - the trad band was mostly made up of friends, her mum worked in the hotel and people were asked to give money instead of presents - so that covered the honeymoon and most of the wedding costs.

11:06 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Wahat about yourself FMC?

11:07 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We cheated and ran away to Vegas. Flights and hotel about 1.5k euro, rings (bought in Vegas) about 800 euro, ceremony and license $240. Printed announcement cards sent out when we got back, not chosen from the pricey wedding stationary range, (we didn't tell anyone in advance that we were doing this) 30 euro. Done and dusted for less than 3k and that included a really nice hotel for a week.

Yes I'm female and the eloping was my idea. I thought it was kinda romantic. Particularly as we'd been living together for 12 years.


11:08 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

I know it's a nice day and everything but when you consider even £20,000 off the cost of a mortgage over 25-30 year it's absolute madness, especially these days.

Aside from couples who have help from parents I can see more and more people doing it in a much more scaled down way, without it losing any of the sentiment, and using the money for important things like your house, your mortgage, kids education etc.

11:09 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

The best wedding I’ve even been to was a friend of my other half (he is a bit of a nutter) – he sub-let a room in his flat to an Aussie girl and after six weeks they decided to get married. The wedding was at Chelsea Town Hall, followed by a couple of drinks in the local pub and 12 of us booked into a posh French Restaurant (all paying our own way). They brought their St Bernard dog with them as the main wedding witness (my other half was the second witness!). After several drinks in the pub we went to the restaurant where the groom discovered he’s lost his wallet and the bride had left her new posh jacket behind. The pub couldn’t locate either. The food and wine flowed and the pudding was the traditional French style wedding cake of profiteroles piled up in a pyramid – lovely. Meanwhile as we were not allowed to bring the dog into the restaurant, he was left in a hallway with food and water. As we left the restaurant at 2.30 a.m. totally thrashed, the dog was gone and we all wandered the streets asking everybody if they’d seen him. Eventually found in the local cop shop, but they refused to allow the very pissed groom to leave when they discovered he planned to drive home. So bride and groom spent the night sobering upon coffee with the dog in the local cop shop. We still dine out on the story. Best, cheapest and most memorable wedding ever.

11:14 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Eva- family and friends for the win.

I must say, I think eloping makes a whole lot of sense to this Fatcat, that an a looooong extended honeymoon

Hey,Eva, how did your run go?

11:15 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sounds good Shebah! Love having the dog as a witness.

I'm going to a wedding in Tuscany next year. I plan to be about a stone underweight before I go so that I can gently fill right back up for the duration as I plan to eat my way around Tuscany.

11:17 a.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

Yep. If I'd had to pay for it all myself there was no way I could have. Though if I'd had the money for a loan I probably would have done that, looking back. Not thirty grand. Fifteen maybe.

I fully realise that this is stupid and not the way to go.

11:17 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No stupid Jo, if it's right for you it's got to be right for you.

11:18 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yeah Twenty, sure for with 20k you could live mortgage free for more than a year or clear a couple of years of your mortgage.

My friends got married on a boat on the Shannon, had a small reception, the whole thing cost about 5k. Then they fecked of an extended honeymoon. It was a great day.

FridayLeap – I would absolutely love a Vegas wedding. It would be so corney I would be in my element. But my mother would go mental. I’d say the dress is the worst part, I think I’ll shop for that on my own.


11:29 a.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

Heh, my girlfriends friend was getting married and she was the bridesmaid and got dragged into shopping for dresses etc etc.

The bride to be was a bit of a tyrant and if anyone did anything against her wishes for months beforehand she'd scream "YOU'RE RUINING MY WEDDING!!!"

That was my favourite phrase for ages.

11:35 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nonny - my mother did go mental. As did my grandmother and my sister. Which was vastly amusing as this was my *second* marriage and I did the big do the first time round 20 years ago to please the family and it was all fairly awful. This time I did it myyyyy waaaaaayyyy, and had a much happier time. It is now the 'wedding that shall not be mentioned' though, which I think rather justifies the whole running away and not telling people until after the fact scenario.

11:45 a.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

I think I should have done more insane screaming to honest.

My advice to anyone getting messed around by friends and family and what they want for your wedding, is to shout 'I'M THE BRIDE!!!!' as often as you want.

They're already calling you Bridezilla behind you're back, you may as well capitalise on it.

11:46 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"It is now the 'wedding that shall not be mentioned' though,' heh, oh well, once you had fun and enjoyed it that's the main thing. Fair play to you for not kowtowing to pressure.

11:48 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Yay, Tuscany...!
As much as I've opposed the whole spending thing here, a friend of mine got married in Spain, it was a 3-day long party in a castle in the middle of nowhere (near Sevilla) with their close friends and family, it's the best wedding I've ever been to. They must have spent tons but they could afford it and it was something they both really wanted to do.
Each to their own I guess and in this case it was hell of a great party :)
As for the run, I didn't do it yet. The weather here for the past days is what the Scots call 'dreich' which means weather so wet it's like breathing water! (and of course tonight I'm spending a few hours outside Edinburgh castle in it, I'm going to the Military Tattoo.. hurrah) Anyway, the weather and some other stuff altered my running plans but I will do it and I will let you know!

11:50 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FridayLeap - sounds great, I would love it. I am my mothers only girl so I wouldn't have the heart to do it. Plus the main man wants his big day out. Well done though, I admire your bravery.


12:04 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

I just want to add that I didn't actually go for the gold chairs of twinkly ceiling. In case you're all judging me now...

Just wanted 'em.

1:35 p.m.  
Anonymous Sniffle&Cry said...

"'I'M THE BRIDE!!!!'"

Hey Jo, I tried this a few times but got no joy.

1:46 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ugh. Wedding-planning makes me kvetch. Weddings I actually enjoy, as long as the money's spent in the right places.
1. Photography
2. Location
3. Food and booze

Linen-covered chairs I can do without. Flowers that are just the right shade of lavender I can do without. And given the right amount of booze, any old crap music can be fun to dance to.

Spouse and I are coming up on our 6th anniversary, and I have to come clean and say Mom did most of the wedding planning and Mom and Dad did the paying--I did all the yea'ing and naying to keep it as uncomplicated as possible. For 200ish guests, it all came in well under $10k for a reception at a local hotel, and was all paid off in a year. I got my dress for $200 (I am a woman of simple tastes, and it was a plain strapless bridesmaid dress in off-white satin, with an antique brooch pinned in the back), and all but my bouquet and the church flower arrangement for free.
A couple days before to the wedding, and the morning of, Mom went out to the farm where Dad used to hunt and cut as many wildflowers as she could see, filling up two horse trailers with five-gallon buckets full of flowers. I spent the morning of my wedding making dozens of arrangements for the reception tables and church pews, alongside aunts and uncles and cousins. It was a good time.

I really, really enjoyed our wedding, but I'm not sure I'd do it again if given the chance--I might rather take the money and spend it on a kick-ass honeymoon.

2:39 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

JotheMamma said "In case you're all judging me now..." I find that comment really interesting, as I always thought the internet sets us free to be whoever we want; but do we all temper our opinions because we still worry about how others, complete strangers, see us and we want them to like us even though we'll never meet? FMC, I'd love it if one day you do a post on this in your usual erudite, fortright way!

3:03 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

"would you be willing to put yourself into debt to get married?"

Well, what with the shipping costs from the philippines, bribing customs officials and paying hush money to her family, I'm pretty much broke as it is...

3:19 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"FMC, I'd love it if one day you do a post on this in your usual erudite, fortright way!"
Oh, you mean swearing and ranting and foaming mildly at the mouth? I just might!. I think Jo was joking, I pretty sure she knows we don't really see gilded ceiling and Posh Spice thrones in her big day.

Oh god, speaking of which, remember

3:40 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah ha ha I can't stop laughing at that. You think it be bad if I didn't wear white?


3:52 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

FMC - that clip, -absolute bliss - the epitome of chavness, loved it in all it's pinkness. Do you think they were being ironic? Nah, didn't think so either!

3:54 p.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

hehe, she's so fake tanned she looks like a minstrel.

The kiss during the wedding was so romantic, I'm surprised he didn't start fingering her in front of the crowd.

4:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Fingering her, Morgor - under that dress? He'd never find it. I'd pay to watch him try, though.

4:22 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

That was exactly what I thought too, Shebah :)

My God what a wedding, I can't help laughing. Yeah why go for subtle....

4:25 p.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

He'd probably have to go down the front. . . . why am I even thinking about this?

4:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hormones Morgor, you just can't help yourself. When you saw her wiggle her way into that delightful car, little feet a paddling you just couldn't help but get turned on.

4:33 p.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

Heh, yeah she seems special alright.

I wonder where they met?
Maybe at an oral sex competition in Ibiza or something like that.

4:40 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

i've no desire for the big day to put me in debt - school is doing enough of that already.

i'm surprised this link hasn't shown up in the comments yet:

4:40 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Not being funny or anything, but you can be sure they know each other a long time, probably from family reunions.

4:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

heh, DM, I do like her a lot actually, she amused me so. I"M THE BRIDE. I do like Jo's exclamation. Fittingly germane (word of the day Shebah!)

4:45 p.m.  
Anonymous Plop said...

I have to say I love the conversational tone in your comments FMC. You greet your readers with seemingly genuine sincere conversation/chattiness that is lacking with some other popular bloggers. Maybe it's down to the FMC femininity. Works though. Twenty's great don't get me wrong but he could learn a few things.

5:18 p.m.  
Anonymous plop said...

I'll also now stop being a plop tongue. I've spoke my ring-piece.

5:21 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Nothing really to do with me really, and all to do with the little community here. Good folk you see. Plus the Major is chatty in his own way- just not very feminine.

5:23 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

So many reallys so little time.

5:23 p.m.  
Anonymous plop said...

Ha really but really? Really I reckon I was really right though. Good explanation and it has been duly noted. I shall never question again.

Although I do think twenty's a complete closet softy. Has to be. He loves wearing pink and has a feminine side Shirley Temple Bar craves more than anyone who eats a Tuc cracker craves another one.

5:27 p.m.  
Anonymous plop said...

Damn! Ya picked up on the reallys before I got to post!!! Nutsacks. You're sharp I'll give ya that!

5:28 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

As a knife plop, I'd say.

I love Twenty's little understated, authoratitive comments. They're controlled and manly:)
He's like like James Bond. An Irish (or possibly American) James Bond, Double O'Twenty.

6:48 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

And to clarify again, they were golden chairs for all, not thrones (!), and it was a ceiling with twinkly lights, not a gilded one!


6:51 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

I think 30 k is fine to spend on a long as it's six months long and called a honeymoon.

Big weddings. I love 'em. But only if they're someone else's. Does the bride and groom wake up the next day and ever think,'Wow that was a good way to spend our money'? I kind of want to say to people who are spending a king's ransom on their wedding, 'You do realise it's only one day, right? And you don't get any return on your investment - except for the odd toaster?'

8:35 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

I dunno, people gave us quite a lot of money.

A surprising amount.

I think it's iffy to ask for cash though.

8:47 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

HAr, ding sing LK, another one for the extended honeymoon.

Jo, it is probably a bit squiffy to 'ask' for money, but most couple getting married nowadays have lived together for years and have pretty much all the home gear they might ever require. A monetary gift in that case-even if it's toward the wedding- would be a pretty useful gift I reckon.

Right, telly, glass of wine, I hear there's a Pierce Brosnan movie on, where he wears a 'tache. Might be worth checking out. OH Boston Legal, how I miss you.

8:55 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

When one of my oldest friends got married in Britain they asked for donations to a cystic fibrosis fund instead of presents. I was selfish, figuring the fund would be doing incredibly well out of this wedding and gave them a piece of NZ art (which i said they could sell and donate the funds to the art if they so chose).

Enjoy your wine and tele, I am drinking tea, hoovering toast and about to walk to work. Oh, how I love the internet.

9:24 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

Oh, that's a good film. Hope you enjoyed.

12:23 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

...and it's past 3 a.m. in Edinburgh and I'm busy trying to tell my drunken self not to fall for this guy. Which I already have - years ago actually - and f*ck it he's prepared to move to Scotland for me.
And I'm about to die for the flood of feelings...
Sorry FMC, I'm totally off topic again.
Why am I saying this on your blog?
Oh yes, because this guy and I are actually talking 'for-the-rest-of-our-lives' kind of stuff, marriage in one way I guess.
This is a man I have never even kissed.
I could use your objective view on that.

3:28 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think it's sweet and everything that he offered to go to you, but I'd do a bit of kissing and getting to know him better first before I exchanged any vows of any kind.

8:49 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Haha, THANKS, that was exactly what I wanted you to say!!!!
God I've been up almost all night, can't sleep, can't eat, can't go to work today!! Can hardly breathe.

9:19 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Dear marmalade, go for a walk. Clear your head, have some coffee. Are you smitten?

9:29 a.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Smitten, smat, smut.
And generally f*cked up in the head.
I will go for a walk!

10:01 a.m.  
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