Thursday, October 30, 2008

My cat is part skunk, part squid, all fucker.

Almost exact rendering--->

The Bigger of The Cats is a black and white monstrosity- he looks like Sylvester or Pepe le Pew. He is knocking on 14/15 years now (not sure exactly as he is a rescue) and he is a very annoying animal.
He thinks I am a cat butler and exist only to feed and open and close doors for him.
He likes to yowl, loudly and plaintively, about nothing from time to time.
He likes to catch me asleep and then wake me up by cracking me as hard as possible in the cheek with his big concrete head.
He bullies Puddy relentlessly.
He likes to plonk his big arse on my lap whenever he catches me doing something that requires cat free laps, like reading the paper.
He will sit right in the middle of the paper if he considers me not attentive to his cat needs (which as far as I can see involves scratching the back of his neck while he coos to himself).
He sharpens his nails on my office chair-regardless of whether I am sitting in it or not.
He likes to grab my feet/socks/fingers when I am sitting on the edge of my bed in the morning.
He insists we play 'bat bat cat' every day for at least twenty minutes.
He likes to go into other people's homes.
He goes out the front of the house even though he knows he's not allowed as I have a big terror of him being run over.
He is currently asleep and shedding on a basket of clean towels, despite the fact that he could sleep anywhere else if he wanted.
He brings in dead/oozing/half dead/sprightly yet damp animals into the home on a regular basis.
He murdered Napoleon.
He is apparently part skunk.
What's that?
Oh yes. See he has a trick, something I didn't think possible in a cat, but there you have it. That's cats for you, just when you think you have them worked out they pull some tricksy shit on you.
He has ALWAYS been a very annoying animal but yesterday's appalling behaviour has pushed him into the super annoying cat-e- gory ( see what I did there, oh just shut up).
Yesterday I was here, at my desk, typing boring shit about art. He was faffing about the place looking for mischief or possible a game of 'bat bat cat'. Because I was busy I ignored his 'Nar-oow?' calls and turned the music up slightly.
This pissed him off and he jumped on my desk and sat directly in front of my computer screen, gazing at me with his stupid cross-eyed gaze, his tongue protruding from his daft mouth the way it always does.
'Get off my desk you hairy dribbling fucker.' I said, kindly.
'No, not now, go on get off.'
I picked him up and dropped him to the floor.
He jumped back up immediately and sat on my keyboard.
So I pushed him to the side and slapped his big arse repeatedly, but softly, you know the way.
'Go on, go on, be off with you.' I said.
And that's when he did it.
He squirted my computer screen with poo goo, or anus juice as the paramour calls it. A couple of drops of grey foul smelling liquid.
'Bleeeeeeeeeee!!' I said softly, jumping up.
He hopped down and sauntered off.
I had to go get some tissue and screen clean to remove his poo goo. I cannot describe the smell really, but I always think it must be the same smell bodies give off after they've exploded from internal gasses on hot sunny days.
He did that once before in the vets when he was getting an abscess lanced. One minutes I was holding him and chatting with our vet, the next me and the vet were trying desperately not to breathe as squid arse sprayed us with his inky poo goo.
How can he do that? How can an animal express displeasure in such a fashion? I'm disturbed and the paramour is jealous of his unnatural abilities.
'Imagine how awesome it would be to be able to squirt inky plop at people who piss you off.'The paramour said, while making 'a seafood bonanza', doubtless thinking of Harry Redknapp.
'Yes.' I said, scratching the bigger of the cat's head as he cooed to himself on my lap. 'Imagine.'



Blogger PI said...

I can't think why I've never had a cat:)
You can't fool me- I know he/she gives you hours of amusement.
Garrison Keillor says that cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

He is undoubtedly a close relation of Shitface.

You do know he was alerting you to what was about to happen? But instead of saving him the use of his limbs and putting him outside you chose to ignore him on account of artsy-fartsy stuff. And so he let you know what he thinks of said artsy-fartsy stuff.

"He goes out the front of the house even though he knows he's not allowed..."

Sorry? Did you think you were in charge? Fatal!

10:44 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Sweet! Could you imagine the stench around stormont / the dail if people were able to do that!? The paramour is rightly jealous.
Who would you spray FMC?

10:45 a.m.  
Anonymous redleeroy said...

I owned a cat that on the sly used to piss on the cooker. The smell of cat piss is only bettered by one smell. Heated cat piss. Holy jesus its eyeburning, sickmaking hideous stench is unparalleled.

10:56 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He certainly put me in my place all right, the bugger.

Cat piss is vile, fortunately our lot are extremely good about howling the place down if they need to go out. But a gal I know cannot put a plastic bag down anywhere or one of her cats pees on it immediately.
When the bigger of the Cats broke his back leg a good number of years ago, he had to wear a cast and that was ridiculous. He couldn't use the litter tray as he was unable to swing his leg over the edge, so I had to hold him over the loo. The Indignity! You should have seen his face. So mortified was he he'd hang on and only need to go once a day

hmm, who would I spray...The entire FF branch?

11:06 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Btw, if you ever do acquire Batman and Woo the-bigger-of-the-cats will use every opportunity to spray them with that 'fragrance du chat'.

11:16 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He won't, he'll fall in love with them immediately and there will be nothing but rainbows and sunshine and high pitched shrieks of delight for ever.

11:18 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Er, okaaaay... I get it... it's a total fantasy, and you're the boss, right?

11:38 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Well gosh darn it, a gal's gotta have some wishful thinking in her life.

11:39 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Indeed, and don't we all.

Just pray that skunk-arsed feline doesn't get wind of it.

11:52 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't know where he is right now, probably off shredding something precious to me.

11:58 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You know, the thing I'm working on right this moment is unspeakably dull. I think I'll go into town for a while.

12:05 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12:32 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...


12:38 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I had a cat do that once - called him StinkyPete for the rest of his short life. Couldn't figure out how he managed it, being neutered - I always thought neutering stopped that behavior.

StinkyPete - RIP

1:15 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

I had two cats who lived to be 18 and thought I knew every dirty trick a feline could muster.
But poo juice?
That defies the imagination.

2:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

This one is neutered too. It stop them spraying and what not, but not aggressive inking it seems.

Yep Medbh, he got me good too. Although I must admit the time in the vets was worse. Clearly panic over peeve works best.

2:29 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

You guys have just sent me to a place that I would never have thought I was have been at a quarter to eleven in the morning.

Cat anus juice on your computer screen?

Heated cat piss?

*Deep shudder*

9:48 p.m.  
Anonymous SeaDreams said...

Anal sacs, no idea what prompts them to cut one loose, but it is a never to be forgotten essense of pure gag.

One of mine did this to protest the indignity of the anal thermometer, the Tech acted like it was no biggie......

10:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

So sorry LK!
Seadreams, I concur, but it's buggering hard to ignore when it's deliberate.

11:42 p.m.  
Blogger galwaywegian said...

Think your cat and my cat went to the same university. Ours is, however a retired male.

11:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Retired? retired from er...what? I do like the sound of that actually, I might use it at the vet's waiting room the next time I'm down there with Puddy and odd people ask me what I've got in my cat basket-when quite clearly I've got a miserable looking cat.
'This is Puddy,' I will say loftily, 'she is retired.'

11:53 a.m.  
Anonymous Ahaley said...

I was sitting at work. Bored. Decided to pop onto FMC to see what's been up this week.
I am now touching up my makeup because I laughed so damn hard at this I cried...and laughed...and cried...
The bigger of the cats is now my favorite cat in the world!

5:58 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Would you like him? I'll even pay for his transportation. He likes Whiskas and bacon, Chinese takaway from brown bags and people who are quick with doors.

11:27 a.m.  
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