My cat is part skunk, part squid, all fucker.

Almost exact rendering--->



The Bigger of The Cats is a black and white monstrosity- he looks like Sylvester or Pepe le Pew. He is knocking on 14/15 years now (not sure exactly as he is a rescue) and he is a very annoying animal.
He thinks I am a cat butler and exist only to feed and open and close doors for him.
He likes to yowl, loudly and plaintively, about nothing from time to time.
He likes to catch me asleep and then wake me up by cracking me as hard as possible in the cheek with his big concrete head.
He bullies Puddy relentlessly.
He likes to plonk his big arse on my lap whenever he catches me doing something that requires cat free laps, like reading the paper.
He will sit right in the middle of the paper if he considers me not attentive to his cat needs (which as far as I can see involves scratching the back of his neck while he coos to himself).
He sharpens his nails on my office chair-regardless of whether I am sitting in it or not.
He likes to grab my feet/socks/fingers when I am sitting on the edge of my bed in the morning.
He insists we play 'bat bat cat' every day for at least twenty minutes.
He likes to go into other people's homes.
He goes out the front of the house even though he knows he's not allowed as I have a big terror of him being run over.
He is currently asleep and shedding on a basket of clean towels, despite the fact that he could sleep anywhere else if he wanted.
He brings in dead/oozing/half dead/sprightly yet damp animals into the home on a regular basis.
He murdered Napoleon.
He is apparently part skunk.
What's that?
Oh yes. See he has a trick, something I didn't think possible in a cat, but there you have it. That's cats for you, just when you think you have them worked out they pull some tricksy shit on you.
He has ALWAYS been a very annoying animal but yesterday's appalling behaviour has pushed him into the super annoying cat-e- gory ( see what I did there, oh just shut up).
Yesterday I was here, at my desk, typing boring shit about art. He was faffing about the place looking for mischief or possible a game of 'bat bat cat'. Because I was busy I ignored his 'Nar-oow?' calls and turned the music up slightly.
This pissed him off and he jumped on my desk and sat directly in front of my computer screen, gazing at me with his stupid cross-eyed gaze, his tongue protruding from his daft mouth the way it always does.
'Nar-oow?'
'Get off my desk you hairy dribbling fucker.' I said, kindly.
'Nar-oow?'
'No, not now, go on get off.'
I picked him up and dropped him to the floor.
He jumped back up immediately and sat on my keyboard.
So I pushed him to the side and slapped his big arse repeatedly, but softly, you know the way.
'Go on, go on, be off with you.' I said.
And that's when he did it.
He squirted my computer screen with poo goo, or anus juice as the paramour calls it. A couple of drops of grey foul smelling liquid.
'Bleeeeeeeeeee!!' I said softly, jumping up.
He hopped down and sauntered off.
I had to go get some tissue and screen clean to remove his poo goo. I cannot describe the smell really, but I always think it must be the same smell bodies give off after they've exploded from internal gasses on hot sunny days.
He did that once before in the vets when he was getting an abscess lanced. One minutes I was holding him and chatting with our vet, the next me and the vet were trying desperately not to breathe as squid arse sprayed us with his inky poo goo.
How can he do that? How can an animal express displeasure in such a fashion? I'm disturbed and the paramour is jealous of his unnatural abilities.
'Imagine how awesome it would be to be able to squirt inky plop at people who piss you off.'The paramour said, while making 'a seafood bonanza', doubtless thinking of Harry Redknapp.
'Yes.' I said, scratching the bigger of the cat's head as he cooed to himself on my lap. 'Imagine.'