Friday, November 14, 2008

Unsuitable partners.

Do you know someone who-without fail- always dates the wrong type of person? I do. Although she is more a pal of Etheline than of me, but still.
This girl seems to have a built in radar for tracking down the biggest asshole in any group or room. It's uncanny. I mean we've all dated our fair share of unsuitable people I'm sure. Certainly I went out with an asshole for some time, and WORSE, I was an asshole when I went out with him. It was like alchemy, we brought out the asshole in each other.
But then you grow up and with a bit of luck you learn. You say to yourself, 'hmm, I was dating an asshole, I won't do that again.'
But not this girl. This girl doesn't seem to have that shield, or buffer, or what ever the hell you call it. According to a rather exasperated Etheline, her current beau is an even bigger asshole than the last one, and he was a black hole of assholes, such an asshole he had his own gravitational pull.
He would play 'mind games' with her, calling her one minute, then not calling her or answering her calls at all for a week to ten days at a time, claiming he needed 'space'. Then he took her away for a romantic weekend but wouldn't have sex with her. Then he refused to let her call him her boyfriend, insisting that they were not and that they had an open relationship, all fine and dandy if that's what she wanted, but it wasn't. The real killer is that the worse he treated her, the worse he behaved, the more desperate she was to hang on to him, I'd have given the dumb fuck all the space he needed, and that space would have involved him never coming within a kilometre of me again.
When he broke it off with her, she was gutted and cried for months over him.
So it was with extreme caution Etheline greeted the news she had landed herself another prize and with dubious heels on Etheline went to have a drink to meet this new beau last night.
'I don't know how she does it.'
'Oh God, what's wrong with this one?'
'You mean apart from the fact that he's married?"
'Oh dear.'
And you can be sure this one will be ugly.
But why? WHY? She's not stupid, she's good looking, she's got a great job, her own home, her own car, why WHY does she always pick these losers? What gene does she have that makes her hone in so perfectly on the one jerk in a room full of perfectly nice men, that causes her legs quiver at the mere whiff of an asshole? ( yes I know how that sounds)
I don't get it.



Anonymous Babs said...

Oh FMC...I am also that girl, well most of the time, only they are not always assholes, the last one pursued me for a while, told me all the jazz, you are beautiful, I think you are great blah blah, even went to the extent of being really romantic, long walks, holding hands, always kissing me, always calling, texts with millions of kisses, he even sang me a lullaby, then he told me he wanted to talk to me and told me that HE wasn't ready for anything heavy, even though I had been thinking that he had been coming on too strong all along, too much too soon, I think maybe that he scared himself away. So I went and got drunk with my good friend H and we warbled "Why do you have to be a heartbreaker" and other phenominally shite songs, and no, I haven't been able to stop thinking "why" for a while now.

8:53 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Poor old darling, those 'whys' are killer aren't they? Even when you get sense part of you slips a 'why on earth' in there on occasion.

8:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

See I had fecked off to Oz because I had my heart broken, so I wasn't "ready for anything heavy" either, but then I thought, hmm, why not I may as well just do this, but then I get the bullshit excuse. See when women are not ready for anything they give off the fuck off vibes and no one comes near anyway, but men, no, they just go ahead, fill someone with a false sense of securuty and then BAM, all over, the worst thing was that he asked me over to his house to do it, it had only been going on a month, so could have easily been done on the phone, but no, he gets me to drive to the other side of town on a day when I was really busy, and then sends me packing into the floods. And I am still asking what the feck happened in all honesty. I just don't understand sometimes!

9:12 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I suppose he thought it would be better to do it face to face. Although I could see how it would be more stressful for you.

9:35 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Happens the other way (female asshole/male decent type) too. Often they're horrendously insecure under whatever veneer they have and they fuck about with folks' feelings because they just don't get it themselves.

9:40 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

I suppose. It just seemed like a wasted journey, especially as it came so out of the blue, I got a text the night before saying "do you want to call over tomorrow...sleep well sweetheart xx", I wasn't really expecting it. He did say "I want to keep seeing you but just not anything too heavy" which to me means parachute at the ready for him. I have heard from him since, with text kisses, which is more confusing than anything.
Conan, I know it happens the other way around too, I have been conselling my male best friend for a while now after his wagon ex broke his heart. She really was a serious piece of work.

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh I know it happens the other way too, I used to know a chap who seemed to attract nothing but psychos. It was like bees to honey. He moved to Australia too as it happens, not long after his girlfriend threw a bottle at him in a nightclub and threatened to kill him in front of his friends.
After he broke it off with her he had to change his mobile and home number as she would ring him up to fifty times a night, alternatively screaming abuse or sobbing. Then she started to call his mother, crying about what a bastard she'd raised and how she hoped the mammy was proud of him.
Yep, I really meant it when I said 'people' who keep picking the wrong partners.

10:00 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

In my experience it's about self worth, or lack of it. Some people don't believe they are worthy of a decent relationship so end up going for people where it's bound to fail. Again and again and again. And it reinforces their lack of self worth. It's a destructive cycle

10:28 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

Oh god, that's pretty insane.
Though an ex of mine was almost killed by his ex before me, she smacked him one with a full and closed bottle of wine across the head. And then ran away because she thought that she had killed him. She was a mentaller though.
Maybe I am better off as a singleton.
Oh and everyone seems to go to Australia to "get over" people, it doesn't really work because the stuff that happened is still there when you come home, but it's a good experience and I don't regret it for a minute!

10:29 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It's definitely a cyle KIm, but surely one that age and experience can break, no?
Babs, I'd got to Australia right this second for some sun, sand and surfing if I could. Naturally I cannot surf, but I could learn. I also want to find Summer Bay.

10:32 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I think the obsessive 'mentaller' (male or female) is a separate issue. Sure they're unsuitable but folks don't tend to go for a succession of mentallers, or do they? Some mentallers are consistently mental, so you may spot them before you get too close. Whereas the assholes may not become apparent until it's too late.

But what do you say to yourself if you're consistently attracted to assholes or mentallers? Do you walk into a room and think, "S/he's nice... must be an asshole or a mentaller."

10:58 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Funny you should mention this FMC - a mate of mine is currently being the asshole to his girlfriend. He's doing the whole works - running hot and cold, not replying to texts, telling her he needs his 'space' etc etc.
His defence is that he told her when they started dating that he didn't want anything serious, and has repeated this for the past year. She has pretty low self-esteem and most of her mates think she should dump him but she just clings on to some misguided belief that he'll change.
He's a good friend of mine, and i've told him that he's being a dick, but I'd be over-stepping my bounds if I encouraged her to wise-up and end it.

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

If that was the case you could try rehabilitate yourself surely. I dunno, in the case of this girl it seems she actively is attracted to a certain type, and that type is 'asshole'.

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Weird Sheepie, what on earth does he get out of it? How can he not feel bad about treating someone in such a fashion? Better a clean sharply painful break than abusing a person over a prolonged period of time.
She fits very neatly into Kim's theory on self worth though. Maybe if she dumped him like a hot snot he'd see the error of his ways.

11:03 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

I found that FMC, Summer Bay, the works, went to the surf club and the diner and....met ALF STEWART!! It was one of my dreams come true!
I think I am worthy of a good relationship, so I don't get that theory, but I do think that assholes male / female do tend to pick weaker people to fuck with.

11:06 a.m.  
Anonymous Ronnie said...

You are all being very closed-minded about this---------

even assholes need somebody to love and to love them. Where is the Christian Charity here ? Where is the Love ?

11:17 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

FMC: I honestly don't think he'd give a shite if she dumped him - he just doesn't seem to care about her.
His ex's have nothing but nice things to say about him tho, and he is a genuinely decent fella apart from the way he treats her - it's all very strange.

11:21 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

That happens sometimes, maybe he was fucked over by a girl and decided "no more mister nice guy" and now he is being the dick head in the relationship.
Tell the girl to dump his ass, though she'll think this will make him cop on and it won't. Maybe he just likes the sex and that's why he won't finish with her.

11:42 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

I can't really tell her to dump him Babs - what sort've a mate would do that? She should just have the guts to do it herself - its not like he doesn't give her enough reason to.

11:53 a.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

I suppose, I don't think I would be able to help myself though. Maybe advise her would be a better way of saying it.
What does your friend say when you tell him he is acting the dick with her? Or does he just brush it off. You never know what he could have told her from the beginning and she could be just being dillusional.

12:04 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"FMC: I honestly don't think he'd give a shite if she dumped him - he just doesn't seem to care about her."
But darling, why does he go out with her at all? I'd rather be on my own than with some one I didn't care about.

1:21 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

As babs says, he just likes having sex on tap and she comes running when he calls.

1:58 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...


2:05 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

"sex on tap"

He should either find himself a plumber or get into diy.

2:58 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Drowning in sex, Conan? Now there's a thought...

3:12 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

It only took me one bad relationship to learn not to put up with the mind games and abuse.

I know a woman who picks loser after loser who basically makes her support them and then they use sex as a weapon.
I tell Mr. M that she thinks it's normal because she's never had a man treat her well so why would she even expect it? No self-esteem is the root cause.

3:17 p.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

I have been in the "sex on tap" situation. It's not nice. I got out of it fairly lively though thank god. But it wasn't anything to do with my self esteem, it was just me not realising at the time that no matter how hard you try you can never change someone.

3:53 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Like I say Medbh, I'd rather be blissfully on my own than miserably with someone who treated me ling dried out dung. I will ponder this over kickboxing. There better not be any squatting to day, my legs are done in.

3:53 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Non alcoholic beverage o'clock!
Have a good weekend folks.

5:11 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

A ginger beer, no doubt!

5:17 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

I don't have any time for the "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen" school of seduction. Toying with people like that, it isn't love.

Sorry about your friend. It's hard to watch.

7:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sam, she's not really a friend of mine, I just know her. If she was a friend of mine her teeth would be rattling from the shoulder shaking.

Anyway, happy beer o'clock you wheat munching fuckers! Am I jealous? OH DEAR GOD YES!!

7:30 p.m.  
Blogger Max Drive said...

Shania Twain seems to clearly understand this issue. Allowing for the idea that not all black eyes show, this is a powerful song. Music has power. A copy of this music has brought several women to the decision to change their life forever. Buy a CD and give it to your friend. Point out this title and just ask them to listen to it. Odds are that they will play it over and over. If they do, the message will sink in.

"Black Eyes, Blue Tears"

Black eyes, I don't need 'em
Blue tears, gimme freedom

Positively never goin' back
I won't live where things are so out of whack
No more rollin' with the punches
No more usin' or abusin'

I'd rather die standing
Than live on my knees
Begging please-no more

Black eyes-I don't need 'em
Blue tears-gimme freedom
Black eyes-all behind me
Blue tears'll never find me now

Definitley found my self esteem
Finally-I'm forever free to dream
No more cryin' in the corner
No excuses-no more bruises

I'd rather die standing
Than live on my knees
Begging please-no more

Black eyes-I don't need 'em
Blue tears-gimme freedom
Black eyes-all behind me
Blue tears'll never find me now

I'd rather die standing
Than live on my knees, begging please...

Black eyes-I don't need 'em
Blue tears-gimme freedom
Black eyes-all behind me
Blue tears'll never find me now

It's all behind me, they'll never find me now

Find your self-esteem and be forever free to dream

I wish her luck.


8:58 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I saw her giving an award the other night, she certainly looks a million dollars.

9:38 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it's very good article

8:25 p.m.  

Post a Comment

<< Home