Thursday, February 05, 2009

Let's get Physical, And Pray, Not Weigh!

God bless Kim Ayers for opening mine filthy eyes up to new and wondrous possibilities! I mean a gal can go through life just blinkered yanno?
I thought I had the woo down. I thought my natural eyebrow arching was done diddly done. Pfft to reiki ( spit spit) point accusingly, nay mockingly, at psychics, snorteth with gay abandon at starvation diets like Lipotrim and assorted mumbo jumbo that people like to spend money on.
But what if there's a way to dance with the woo and keep a firm hold on your wallet AND lose weight at the same time? What then?
Pray away the fat or as Kim nicely titled it, Love God More Than your Stomach!


"You can live within normal and healthy weight limits if only you love God more than you love your stomach. Right now you use food to numb your emotional distress, and you fear that without using food as a psychological defense your life will be nothing but empty pain.

Therefore, to overcome the habit of constantly reaching for something to fill your stomach, endeavor to teach yourself to act in new ways. Recognize the urge to use food as a way to numb emotional pain, and then return food to its proper place in your life: not as a psychological defense but as a holy gift of nutrition. This takes considerable conscious effort—still, it is all possible through graceful trust in God’s help and protection."


Well blow me, the holy gift of nutrition is being abused. And if I'm reading it all correctly-and I hope that I am- lying fat women with daddy issues need only to turn to an invisible sky Daddy and admit to being sinful BEFORE a big meal and lo, their self worth will magically appear and a gentle and guiding hand will make her put down the cookie of Satan and lift the rice cake of Christ! Huzzah, we's saved. SAVED!

Get thee into the bathroom wretches! Stand upon the judgement dais of the lord. Pray wishfully as the poundage of salvation climbs ever higher. Repent, repent if thy BMI be high, or your fat doth jiggle, know ye that ye have cocked a snoop at the judgey sky lord and despite your best efforts he is frowning at you and talking about you behind your back to skinny minny Jesus.
For it is written, Invisible sky gods are really mean like that.

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34 Comments:

Blogger Andraste said...

I....don't know what to do with that.

*weeps*

12:37 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

But hey, didn't you know, "God Hates Fatties"?

1:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sorry Andraste, but then you're a woman and probably bitter 'bout somthin'.
HEh Kim, that man old god, you can bet his BMI ain't all THAT neither.

1:05 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Great, I'm off to Jahweigh myself.

1:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

heh, I'm off to throw snowballs at the cat- but only in an effort to please the lord by making us both burn some calories. It's baaaaak.

( you know because I typed that it will immediately create a thaw)

1:36 p.m.  
OpenID grimsaburger said...

You have to admit, it's a pretty elegant solution. Fat? Not praying hard enough. Husband beats you? Not praying hard enough. Unhappy? Not praying hard enough.
I particularly love how it's a way to feign personal responsibility while giving up all responsibility to an unseeable, unknowable, unaccountable force.

1:39 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Listen you, enough of that, where's our snow?

Typical Dublin, keeping all the snow to itself, full of Dublin 4 types putting Burberry scarves on snowmmen...

1:49 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's what I always love about god talk.
'You have free will'
'Super'
'But god knows all and sees all.'
'Er right.'
'And he's going to be pretty ticked off if you don't follow this specific yet curiously movable set of rules.'
'Oh, but what about free will.'
'Well yes he's already granted that.'
'But how can it be free if he's yanno, guiding shit and all and quick to smite if we fuck it all up. I mean isn't that like giving a Hogan a really fast car and then being all surprised and shit when they crash and maim their best friend.''
'It just is what it is.'
'But-'
'If you're questioning you're clearly still seeking answers, pray harder and maybe god will grant you the wisdom to see.'
'See what?'
'If he will reveal himself to you.'
'What? Where?'
'In your heart.
'er..'
'But only if you seek him out.'
'What if after seeking I don't see him.'
'Then you haven't sook enough.'
'This is confusing. Is sook even a real word?'
'But you need faith.'
'Wait. You're saying I need faith to believe I"m seeing shit that may or may not be there. Faith to denounce the observable in lieu of the unobservable?'
'Exactly!'
'Can I get a slave?'
'Is it in the bible?'
'I believe so. As long as I'm not mean to it, I think god's okay with that.'
'Then yeah.'
And so on

1:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Burberry? in D4? Interlopers!! Stone them.

1:57 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

They're probably already stoned.

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

In a recession? Typial. I can't even afford cola bottle sours.

2:35 p.m.  
Blogger Sweary said...

So what do we do with Grace Before Meals then? I'm confused.

"Lawd, for what Ah am about to receive... Ah am gownna refuse! Ah am gonna throw back yoor bounty in yoor Face. Ah love yoo more than Bigmacs Lawd."

4:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Heh, that ought to help keep those sinful pounds off. Thanks for providing but no thanks.

5:51 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

The jeebus freaks shame you out of enjoying sex so it only figures they'd get around to saying you should deny the pleasure of food.
Fuckheads.

6:36 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I take it you've caught a glimpse of the ex-masturbator t-shirts then?

7:19 p.m.  
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