Ted Haggard, Not Totally gay, but Totally in Denial.
Ted Haggard, as many of you may remember was the fire and brimstone preacher that once told Richard Dawkins to get thee behind me Satan, or words perhaps not quite as close to that effect.
Ted was a preacher, a fire and brimstone preacher, a family man, a god fearing man, with a phone line to the president of the united States and a mystical line linking him direct to the Lawd-ah!
Ted was popular, oh Lawdy yes he was! He could sell out large arenas with his stage shows, pacing the stages like a heavenly hyena. Ted was magical, he was God's Showman. He lifted his congregations to dizzying heights, feeding the religious fervour with raging sermons, condemning the SINFUL behaviour of people, casting dow-win those who rejected the lawd and his teachings. Ol' Ted was a preacher of the old skool, a man's man, rightful leader, head of his household by gum, a spiritual maverick with one hand on the bible the other...well actually the other playing reach around with a male hustler and a meth vial.
Now I know-ah what you're thinking. Wait, wait, where does the meth vile and the hustler come into the lawd's mighty works. Search me, but then I never did claim to understand the workings of the truly devout.
Old Teddington when caught out, did his godly best to explain himself-ah, first he lied. Then he lied some more ( it appears to be the way to go about this kind of stuff) Then he admitted he had 'fallen' (presumably onto the chap's winkle) and then before you can say 'repent' he was whisked away by some other preacherly dudes with dollar signs fading from the eyes and Christian forgiveness clogging up their sinuses.
They were gonna fix Ted, Lawd willin'. Fix him up and get that money making machine back on the road again.
But there are somethings that just can't be fixed. A love of cock seems to be one of those things outside the remit of most fixers ( I completely understand, Teddy).
Old Ted, feeling a bit miffed by the sudden parting of the sea of allies, tried various way to secure forgiveness understanding and funds from his clique, but holy cliques are god fearing righteous types and they won't turn the other cheek if they think you're admiring it.
Behold then, for what is the fallen arc-preacher to do?
Old Ted wandered into the wilderness of non public appearances. Lo he did cast about, battling invisible foes and Son of the Morning like urges and people who didn't really want to buy insurance from him. Ted struggled, LAWD did he struggle. Was he a sodomite? True he liked get jiggy with other men, but surely that does not a sodomite make?
Ted donned sack cloth and ashes, albeit well cut Italian sack cloth and the ash blended fantastically with his newly styled hair cut Andre the hairdresser convinced him to try out, the bouffant was so aging.
He tried to get jiggy with only his wife, he tried to council other dudes to avoid feelings of lust and unbridled sweaty oily rampant sex- if he could avoid it with his wife he could avoid it anywhere, right? And if he could avoid it so could they. And if they couldn't avoid it they ought to see him after and try some cuddle therapy, oh yes, that ought to be the next port of call.
And so it came to pass, Ted, the Lawd's number one spokesman did see the error of his ways. It was a road to demascus type bitch slap that forced his hand. Ted saw the light, he saw that the light was good, he saw that he had been worshiping the wrong lawd all along. Why of course he was going through rough times, of course he was misunderstood, of course he liked Will and Grace. He was...he was...
HE WAS HETROSEXUAL WITH HOMOSEXUAL ATTACHMENTS!!
Suddenly the gilded gates opened and a choir of heavenly European drag queens did sing.
He had purpose again, fire in his belly and balls of steel. Fie upon his folly, a pox upon false gods. He did see the light! He did see it glow. What a fool he had been, why had knowledge forsaken him so long, why had be been so forsooked? There could be only one, for was it not written, 'I am the lord thy god, let there be no god before me.'
And lo Teddy did rent his ash cloth and turn his u-haul round. He put the pedal to the metal and as each mile passed beneath his fiery wheels, his heart, once so heavy and drab, sparkled and shone with love and serenity.
"Oh Lawd, I was lost, but now I am found.' Ted shrieked, tearing into the television studio car park on two wheels, the light of life keeping the uhaul on the road behind him. 'Your prodigal son has returned, the sheep has found his way back to the flock! Rejoice, Rejoice!'
And the mighty studio doors did swing open and a chorus of make up artists and sound people did bow as the one true god stepped forth from the shadows.
'My son, happy is the day you made this choice.'
'God, forgive me, I should have seen it sooner, but I was blind, too blind to see.'
A hush fell over the assembled mortals.
'Ted Teddington,' The god said, 'Yay though you have wondered far in valley of the shadows of Utah, no evil have you felt, for with your rod and my staff we are one again.'
And Teddy did weep, and Chrissy the sound engineer fell backwards in a dead faint.
God clapped. 'Now, slaughter the fattened calf!'
There was an awkward silence.
Bowing and scraping, a minion crept forwards. 'And for everyone else, your Godliness?
'Oh right, they gotta eat too, finger food and teeny tiny sammichs.'
And so the minions did scatter and Ted Teddington, with his homosexual attachments and new haircut did rise once more to sit at the right hand side of Her most highest of Hosts,