Wednesday, June 14, 2006

aiieeeeee! We've been tango-ed!

Oh no, the horror the absolute horror. Disaster most horrid has befallen me (and my stupid sister Etheline). Oh foul fate, why must you mock me so? What have I done to deserve this...this abomination? I know I was rude to my mother, but she deserved it Fate, she did, I swear.
Etheline arrived over last night, all hee hee and ha ha, sightly tipsy, carrying Poppy's Big Surprise in one arm, (does that dog ever walk anywhere?) and a bag of goodies she got from some stupid avon/makeup party thingie in the other
'What's in the bag, hag?' I said, doing my best 'Jack'
'Mystic tan, and eyelash tints and other freebies. Come on, we're going to try them out.'
'What, I'm not-'
'I brought wine.'
'Alrighty then, now we talkin' girlie girl. Git yer ass in d'house.'
Well between the heel and the hunt -wine bottle one wine bottle two-and the bitching about our mother and her fiancé, the watching of Constantine and so forth, we left the bloody tan stuff on too long and this morning when I woke up it looks looks like I've been tango-ed.
I look ridiculous, I glow. I've had two showers and still I'm orange. I can't remove any more epidermis.
I called that other wretch. And guess what, she ain't in work. Apparently she called in sick. I called her house.
'H-e-lucough cough.'
'Stall the ball you filthy heifer, you're not sick.'
'Oh, it's you. God my head.'
''Are you orange?' I demanded.
There was a suspicioulsy long silence. I tapped my foot.
'More a deep apricot.'
'What, don't shout at me. We must have left it on too long.'
'I knew we didn't need that many layers.'
'Well...last time it didn't seem that strong.'
'I'm fucking orange Etheline. I'm an orange minstral!'
'It should wear off in a day or two.'
'Etheline, ' I say with exaggerated, over-the-top patience, 'I have to go to kickboxing in half an hour, how can I get tone this colour down?'
'Oh, hate that.' She sighed then, a sound that sent shivers of unease down my orange spine all the way to my orange feet, 'You know what I'm thinking Cat? there must have been something dodgy with that batch, my John Rocha sheets are covered in it too. It had better come out. Did you notice the smell? Kind of like burnt copper. I don't think that's right. I'll call Carmel.'
'Oh Jesus.'
The smallest of the cats, the nervous nelly comes stalking in. He stops and stares at me, I smile. He flees.
'Oh Jesus.' I repeat.
Memnoch, be merciful, for I know not what I do half the time.
Most of the time, make that most of the time.


Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Here, that's very weird (again). I just asked you for a tango, the dance, and then came over here to see that title! It's a sign. I keeps tellin ye. I'll read the post now.

9:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...


9:57 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Don't wash it off. Slap more on and develop a sense of rhythm. Shake that booty!
(whatever that means)

9:57 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Docky don't joke, this is almost as bad as the great perm disaster of '85!

10:07 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

1985. I had a mullet and a mohair (type) suit for the dancing. Great days.

10:19 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

Cover yourself in beetroot juice until you're bright purple. I'm sure you can come up with a less embarrassing excuse for being purple than orange

10:26 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I wore high waisted pants with a t-shirt tucked into them, yellow and green plimpsoles, giant plastic button earrings, plastic bangles as far up my arm as possible and...a wide elastic butterfly belt cinched as tight as it would go. The shame the shame!
Once I even turned up at a school disco with my-tightly permed hair all gelled up and pinned on one side, leaving it frizzing madly on the other. I thought I was the bee's knees. OH and the back combing...noooo, I'm going to kickboxing, laters.

10:27 a.m.  
Blogger finn said...

is claire orange now, too? is memnoch?

you could leverage this into a trend, FMC, a counter to heroin chic.

in the 80s, we all of us looked utterly redonk. our sartorial misdemeanors can be excused in the name of following the trend ... except for doc's mullet. that's just wrong in any era.

12:19 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Oh dear. I don't understand those tanning lotions at all. What the hell is the matter with being pale?

Having said that...I've had a few perms in my time. Even a mullet for a short time. Not proud.

2:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Melinda said...

FMC, I think we had the same hair going on in the 80s...or at least I always wanted to do that with my hair but it would never quite go. I was a little more successful with "The Claw" bangs (fringe?) perched on the front of my head. It's a wonder we all didn't die of overexposure to hair products.
I think the only thing you can do is get one of those salt scrubs (or mix salt and bath oil yourself) and scrub until you're almost down to the dermis. Or you could just lock yourself away for a few days...

2:24 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Jesus, that wasn't as bad as expected, nobody actually 'said' anything, but there were some gawks and mild tittering. Only Claire was bold enough to say, 'er, what did you do to yourself?'
Oh the eighties, I wore a man's dinner jacket around the villiage with what i hoped assed as a raffish air, and a filthy tie- stolen form the chest of mothballed clothes that belonged to my grandfather, I also bought yellow trousers with a sort of painted black pin stripe down the leg wich I teamed with a paisley shirt and black suede slouch boots and fingerless lace gloves.
I was a walking bloody mess, but I thought I was it.
You're right of course Andraste dearheart, there is nothing wrong with pale, there is nothing wrong with mild tan either for that matter-which I was, but this burnt sienna is plainly wrong-oh and I discovered it has streaked on the back of my left thigh. Scrummy.

2:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:33 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

*cough* I didn't get rid of my mullet until '98

3:44 p.m.  
Anonymous Cate said...

Don't that Tropez crowd do some kind of fake tan remover. Expensive I believe but if you're as neon as you say, I'd buy it, use it and become part of society again. Nivea aftersun tan maintainer is good if ya want to keep your glow.

4:07 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cate, thank you for the tip. I'll definitely check that out if it is as bad tomorrow after another two/three showers using a loofah, exfoliator and brillo pad.
KIM! Say it ain't so- although curiously there was a resurgance of the dreaded mullet last year among the fashionistas-perhaps that describes you?
But maybe not, because a chap had to be 20 to 26 yars old to get away with it and work in fashion, and make looking bored an art form, and it wasn't an 'I drive a pick-up with a gun rack on the back/Billy Ray Sirus' sort of mullet, it was shaggier and cost an absolute fortune. I"m shaking my head and sniggering as I type this. French gay tried it for two weeks, it looked 'ow do we say-ed, sheeet.'

4:41 p.m.  
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6:38 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thank you so much annoymous, I'm heading for a deep soak right this very second, showers, what was I thinking? I will be a wrinkled but pink prune by tonight!

8:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was going to suggest you slap on a green wig and tell people you're an oversized oompah loompah - helpful and considerate soul that I am - but it looks like you have it under control. Happy soaking!

I wore those stupid disco boppers in the eighties, but I was quite young (pre-teen) when they were around. Later I had a really bad perm and used your show-stopping disco upstyle on a regular basis. Thankfully I got sense, cut it up and spiked it. Terrible days.

11:30 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I heard that sweating a lot will get it off quickly, if maybe not altogether uniformly.

Good luck!

12:00 a.m.  
Blogger Tommy said...

I demand a picture, I need a laugh.

1:11 a.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

On the positive side, your orangeness inspired a Blunt Cogs strip :)

4:03 p.m.  
Anonymous punxxi said...

i turned myself orange with some of that crap before, i scrubbed it off with scouring powder with bleach in it, wasn't all that fun, but it was way better than looking like hepatitis gone wild

12:11 a.m.  
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