Friday, June 23, 2006

One ticket to the gates of hell please.


Travel, I'm against it!
Oh how I wish I could just click my heels together like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and just travel that way. Or even own a bright red phone box that I could step into and BAM KAZAMMMM I arrive at my dest-, oh no, ooops, sorry yer honor, I was looking for, well never mind, I can see that orange ball...say, is that ribbed? Looks very nasty, unguent, you might need it, anyhoo I'm just gonna climb back in here now, lemmmmie see, what did I dial, ah yes here it is. I didn't want actual Time travel. I wanted travel travel.'
But no, I have to rely on planes, those festering germ riddled over-airconditioned claustraphobic tin boxes that fly very fast and high up and only my sterling good faith that I'm wanted around a bit on this Earth is the only reason they don't crash. But what joy.
Madam, that baby of yours is so funny, I really love the way it managed to not only rip my hair from my scalp but also smear baby slurm all down my shoulder. You know I was just saying to absolutely nobody the other day that when I paid all that money for this suit I said to the sales person, "Golly, I hope this suit is baby slurm resistant" I suppose I should have listened to the guy when he said he didn't think it was, I mean really madam, it's my own fault that gummybaldy there is intent on destroying it. Course, at least now that gummybaldy is happy knawing away it has silenced that funny and hilarious shrieking thing it was doing, my what a pair of lungs it has, even over my ipod, remarkable. I love your toddler too, I love the way she 'haddagopee' nineteen times on one short flight, I mean, good for her flush out the toxins I say. I really like the way that despite the fact I stood up and moved out of her way she managed to kick me each and everytime she climed in and out. It was...well she's gonna be a star some day isn't she? I like you husband best of all, he's such a cutie patootie, all the way down there at the back of the plane. I imagine he was gutted to discover he wasn't seated by you and his lovely brood. Naturally my offer to swap seats with him was made with you and yours in mind, and I really appreciate the way he turned me down like that, he's a keeper that one, isn't he. You know he's going bald right, probably where shittybaldygummystickyhands, gets its good looks from. Ah, what's that sweetie, you 'needagoppoopnow?' Here, here don't get up, take my handbag, it's real leather, here ya go, take a little dump there, I mean you've already spilled Ribena toothkind- and that's the least of your worries sweetie trust me, the lazy eye thing is not exactly rinkydink-on it, but here, I insist. NO? Don't wannapoopthatbad after all? What do you mean the scary lady is scaring you, what scary lady, what? You can't surely mean me can you? That's a lot of snot honey, here, there's a dry spot on my hem.
So I"m back, I'm going out now for lunch. It's not even lunch time, oooooooohhhh, get me. Worra lorra rebel.

5 Comments:

Blogger finn said...

poor harried FMC. here's some advice a verra wise person once gave me:

First, take one Martini Rosso, add ice. Drink.
Scoff slowly one prawn and crab salad
Mix liberally three glasses of Vino Sol...

etc.

welcome back, and felices viernes.

2:01 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Babies...why do they always smell like apple juice? The most nauseating smell besides vomit and licorice?

5:07 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Babies...why do they always smell like apple juice? The most nauseating smell besides vomit and licorice?

Glad you're back, FMC! You've been missed. Never go away again.

Promise?

5:07 p.m.  
Blogger Boliath said...

Next time, don't offer to change seats with husband, demand...am sure the Mother enjoyed the flight too and hope he gets none for a few weeks, bastard.

Sorry for you fmc, if you're ever beside me on a flight, I'll keep the child away from you, I promise.

6:04 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hello back atchay'all ladies. I'm delighted to be home, you've no idea! I can't promise I won't be doing some more traveling about over the Summer but I'll try to keep it to a bare minimum.
On the plus side, I am now flush with monies, or rather I will be when the company cheque clears next Monday, I"m thinking the shoe cupboard could do with some new blood. Off to watch soccer now, France and Togo, there will be beer drunk, I know I complain about beer and how it gives me a wicked head, but fuck it, I feel I deserve it.
Boliath, Let me quote to you from my very own dear Mumsie.
'I love children, but I couldn't eat a full one.'
Have a lovely weekend darling folk, I have a funny video downloading for tomorra-yeah that's right, tomorra. Kissies.

7:56 p.m.  

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