Thursday, April 19, 2007

Exercise.

'Oi you!'
Can there be more frightening words in the galaxy? Well, apart from 'Your mother's here.'
Last night I was lounging, my legs kicked over the side of an armchair, my feet bare, a cat and a book on my lap. I was sipping a vodka and in general I was blissfully happy.
Then the phone rang. I hate phones. Not as much as jazz, it has to be said, but close enough.
But because the paramour was off 'doing stuff' and it was by my elbow I had no option but to answer it. And ' Oi you!' Is what I got for my troubles.
'Hello?' I said, nervously, scarededly, scarvously.
It's me, you idiot. Claire.'
'Ah Claire!' I cried in relief. Claire, sparring partner and champion beeeeatch, also hints of ginger. 'What ho.'
'What ho my hole.' Said she, rather crossly I thought. 'Have you joined a new dojo yet?'
And I was off, waffling...running you see, 10k, got a medal, wearing it right now, velly busy, sunny weather, gym...
'So no then.' She said when I paused to draw breath.
I don't like that about her. I admire it, but I don't like it. She's a bloody narwhal when it comes to poking through layers of crapology.
'Well, no. I haven't, yet. But I have been thinking about it, a great deal in fact. I was just thinking about it the other day, there I was in Superquinn when I said to myself, Cat, you really must-'
'Right. Well I'm going to check out this new place tomorrow night. You can come with me.'
'Ye.........sssss, tomorrow? I think I might be-'
'I'l swing by and pick you up at half six, the class doesn't start until seven.'
'Ah, Thursday, tricky sort of day Thursday, I might-'
And she was gone, poof, just like that.
I put the phone back and digested this information. Puddy snored contentedly on. I tried to go back to my book, but it was no use.
Bah, and very possibly, ouch.

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32 Comments:

Blogger Kav said...

Don't you just hate it when healthy feckers make you feel bad like that. I don't mind staying fit, but people who actually enjoy it just confound me.

Note to self: go back to gym.

10:12 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

A friend has just invested in one of those huge trampolines, and I had my first go last night. Wow! I didn't realise how knackered I could get after 15 minutes bouncing! Felt sorry for her neighbours, though! Have you ever tried it?

10:13 a.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

dojo's?, running? Weemen really have changed eh.What happened to the days when you'd be content with a copy of Ireland's Own and a scone? Not complaing or owt...

10:21 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I would be perfectly content with a copy of Ireland's Own and a scone, with lashings of butter, but my terror of my ass turning at turning into my mother's ass forces me to be most dilligent about the exercise thing. God dammit, I like Tayto sambos and battered cod and chips and all sorts of delicious stuff that I hardly ever eat, do you not think I'd rather sit around and eat? Who wouldn't rather sit around and eat?
Shebah, I have heard of this-Sunday Times-but have yet to try it. Is it really exhausting? Does one burn millions of calories do you think?
Kav, it's not all it's cracked up to be. If I return to a dojo there will be skipping involved, and I don't mind telling you I LOATHE skipping.

10:31 a.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Do it for Memnoch.

2:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ergh, I don't wanna.
I'm appear to be perfectly happy not being kicked about the place.
I don't want to have to listen to anyone else either, at least Memnoch, prick though he most surely was, lived by his own principles. I went to a class with another dude before Memnoch and he almost make me lose my marbles with all of his waffling about chi and fucking inner power. I don't want inner power, I want outer power. I want to know that if I get jumped some night I might have enough skill to give myself some minutes grace before running away screaming blue murder.
And there will be skipping. There is ALWAYS skipping.
And also, change, I'm against it.

2:56 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I think only here is it possible to find a kick in the bollocks called "some minutes grace." You're a star, so ye are, fmc.

3:18 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It's a funny thing Miss Sam, through the vileness of Memnoch I learned many things, and one is that most people freeze up when jumped. I used to do it myself, that moment of shock when you can't believe what's happening to you, when your rational mind completely deserts you.
Then I landed on my arse a few more times and eventually I learned to not freeze but to react. (not always successfully either, cue more arse falling)
Memnoch also taught us that the very best way to defend ourselves is to put as much distance between ourselves and our attacker as possible making as much noise as possible. So a swift reaction, followed by some good running is very important.
I aslo learned that even the smallest chap at our class was stronger-physically- than us ladies, so swift reactions are very important. 'Go for the eyes,' Memnoch would lecture us, 'don't start making squeamish faces, thumbs, eyeballs, run, noise got it? Not always possible I know, but for when it is, do it.'
Sigh, who could take his place?

3:56 p.m.  
Blogger The Hangar Queen said...

Don't forget the throat.A good punch to the throat will put anyone down...sometimes for good.

4:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He did mention that too, using the side of your hand. But his preferred method was smooshing eyeballs. Oh and headbutts, he did love his headbutts.

4:16 p.m.  
Blogger The Hangar Queen said...

Ah yes...I always love connecting with a good loaf.It's a criminally underused tactic over here and that's a shame.
Element of surprise is mantained so that's good.

5:11 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

actually the best place is the feet. Lots of small bones and stamping will break a few, leading your attacker to let go and diminishing his ability to run after you. It's hard to get the eyes or throat, we are so programmed to protect our eyes, same with the balls, don't ever bother. Most men have a preternatural ability to protect the ballular region, but feet, who thinks about protecting your feet.

5:13 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

The whole balls thing is pretty blooming moot any road if you're facing away from the attacker really, that's when a head snapped backwards into the nose is useful. Although I do like the sound of this stamping John, you nasty sod you.
Miss Queen, elbows are good too, people don't use enough elbows, you can cut a person's face right open with a solid elbow. Anyway, aren't you normally armed to the teeth?

5:30 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I worry though that, when I've smooshed the eyeballs, knackered the balls, karate-chopped the throat and hobbled the feet, I'll be hit with a lawsuit from my attacker bigger than my town, the town being in flippin' sue-happy America, after all.

5:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What are you saying Sam, it might be better to kill them? Leave no chance of being sued? Hmmm, I see where you're going with this.
Laters.

6:20 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

yeah, in a previous life I studied Karate, and it being a very practical type of marshal art, they thought us if you can't run stamp. Particularly for women, a high heel would give an attacker a dose of WWJHF. What Would Jesus Have Felt.

BTW regarding things testicular. Grabbed from behind, but your hands are free, shift your hips suddenly left or right, swing your balled fist down and into the balls. It's the one situation where this works, the attacker can't really see you, and they usually have their feet apart for balance.

9:06 p.m.  
Blogger The Hangar Queen said...

All of the above is predicated on you being capable of thought and action when you are attacked (Unless of course you are a highly trained Ninja with killing instincts honed to such a degree that you can hear someone thinking about attacking you the day before)
If you mug ten people there will be ten different reactions and over half of them illogical and likely to get them killed.
As for being armed? It is and always will be the very last resort.In nearly two years on the job I've never had to go to that option.There are some (most actually) who go entire careers without drawing their weapons and are quite proud (rightly so IMO) of it.

10:09 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous Cardinal said...

Either: Move. Take a flat until this blows over.

Or: Just re-punctuate her opening line:

Was: "It's me, you idiot. Claire."

Noe: "It's me, you. Idiot Claire."

1:17 a.m.  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

This Claire sounds dangerous. She's using some kind of Jedi mind trick on you. It's probably her that's sending the attacking jumping spiders, too. Kill her in her sleep.

Devin said.... "(Unless of course you are a highly trained Ninja with killing instincts honed to such a degree that you can hear someone thinking about attacking you the day before)"

I used to have that, but then they put me on meds. Damn.

1:23 a.m.  
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