Thursday, June 14, 2007

What's in a name Fuckface?

Wouldn't a goddamn rose smell the fucking same no matter what you called it? Didn't some one say that in some teenage angst play or other. Well?
While pondering where the invisible mariachi band had come from this morning, and why they were playing quite so close to my ears, I wandered lonely as a puddle of gloop to the kitchen to make coffee and inject pain killers directly into my veins. Sitting there, in my robe, bare feet, my hair as curly as orphan Annie's, I tried to make sense of certain things I had learned the night before.
Here is what I learned. Take heed folks, you may need this list to compare some day.
1) Cocaine is now de rigueur at any social gathering.
2) People who ingest cocaine bore the absolute shit off me, okay dude I get it, your mind is like totally expanding man and your early inhibitions have flown the coop so now you can wax lyrical on just about any subject you choose.
3) Small light people cannot handle a lot of booze.
4) However fill them with Redbull and they think they can-thus they drink more than normally possibly-and get very very aggressively drunk.
5) Girls called 'MiMi' (that's right, second capital) ought to be rounded up and studied. If we can isolate whatever gene it is that makes them impervious to cold we should isolate it and the one that makes it difficult to breathe and blink at the same time, we ought to crush that one.
6) Running into old 'friends' at social gatherings, while awkward and uncomfortable can be done, unless girls called MiMi are nearby.
7) People who say, 'Didn't like, you, like used to be, like friends? Ohmigosh, well, you know, what's that saying, we're all together as one?' exist.
8 There is no such saying as 'we're all together as one.'
9) False eyelashes are like totally expensive but there's like an amazing girl in Temple Bar that can do them, it I should ever like you know, what to 'do something' about my own eyelashes.
10) And this is where I came in. Not taking your husband's (future or otherwise) name as your own once you're legally hitched is still seen-by some- as being an act of subversion. Pointing out that your own name might have served you perfectly well for any number of years and you might like to keep it, is also considered, 'strident.' And 'bogus feminist crap.'
Telling cocaine filled wanklords to cram it is not considered strident, that's just considered 'hostile.'
Offering to show cocaine filled dude the true meaning of 'hostile' invokes near gnu like panic in the surrounding herd, except for MiMi who was busy trying to scoop one of her false eyelashes out of her drink using a straw and then her thumb.
Rum will sooth all ruffled feathers, at least surface feathers.

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Anonymous gimme a minute? said...

Good night, then?

12:04 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Rocking. Me and rum, we go back aways.

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

I have a friend who is a total health freak. Wont eat red meat, only eats organics and drinks only mineral waters. But he bates the coke into him like there is no tomorrow. So burgers are bad but white power that at some point has been up someones ass is ok. Cokeheads are dicks, end of.

1:12 p.m.  
Blogger The Swearing Lady said...

Agreed on the cokehead thing in principle. BUT I often find myself around people on coke who act exactly the same as they do when sober.



Christ, I need to find new friends.

1:47 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Fake eye lashes are absurd. Plus putting that toxic shit in your eyes is a recipe for trouble. Who wants glue in their eyes?
The problem with coke is that it makes people think they're interesting when they're not and you can't get a word in the conversation. Boring.

2:06 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I remember some idiot in college telling me, "Coke intensifies your personality..." to which I responded, "well, not such a good idea if you're an asshole, then, huh?"

2:23 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Also: LOVE the title.

2:42 p.m.  
Blogger Boliath said...

Cocaine is shockingly available in Ireland. I was surprised at how normal it was last time I was there. I did my fair share back in the day, got bored with it, can't understand why the people I did it with then are still at it.

Loved your summary of the party, been to a few of them.

2:48 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Ha! You know, it might seem selfish and all but I'm sort of glad the evening bombed because you are at your absolute blogging best when riled. There's no better way to start the day than an fmc post when she's wild at someone. "rounded up and studied" is the best thing I'll read all day, I know it.

You're right, a rose will still smell the same by any other name; the MiMi one sounds like a right Peigi-Flora to me.

3:53 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

MiMi for all her quirks and foibles was not the worst in the world, but seriously, ever since Ireland became awash with money (or at least debt) the proliferation of wankers has risen in tandem.
I don't even mind folk who do coke and have a blast, dancing and having fun, it's the fuckers that do it and then suddenly climb onto a mental dais that slay my attempts at good humour. These folk-and it is quite often dudes- wreak my ever lasting nerve and I feel it is my right, nay duty, to poke fun at such gasbags.

4:58 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

FMC, you could really take the wind out of their sails by observing that coke is linked to impotency, especially if you're watching them schmooze the women.

6:37 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I could say that, but I doubt they'd believe me. Dais, remember? I'd have to crane my neck up to tell them.
I do wish it would stop raining.

6:53 p.m.  
Anonymous benders said...

A bit of the oul' drugs is fine for most people but coke ain't the real thing anymore, It's full of horse-whack and carcinogenic fillers and assorted crushed meds. It used to make you 10 foot tall and bulletproof and usually in a good, confident, smiley way and be in and out of your system in no time (and OK, made some people aggressive in the same way whisky does) but now it's ...well, something else. I think it might be the fondue of the noughties.
But a dickhead is a dickhead, whatever they take.

As for the MiMis....split them off from the herd and summon up a pack of top carnivores to taunt them mercilessly.

Rum. That's a recurring theme it seems. Be thankful you don't drink gin though. Can you imagine a MiMi on gin?

9:33 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I can feel the tears as we cyber speak. But the rum, you can't go wrong with rum.

10:15 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I once went very wrong with rum.

10:35 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't believe that! Rum would never do that to a lady.

11:03 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Rum was a right cad to me and no mistake. He called me names and beat on my head for hours and hours. Of course, the police did nothing - they said it was a domestic dispute that Rum and I would have to figure out between ourselves.

Took my dignity, rum did - left me a poor and wretched thing.

And then I met Gin.

11:29 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

at least they were still talking TO you - party I went to recently had folk who just talked AT you all night, rambling on monologue stylee about where they were at, what space their head was in etc. etc. - all on Ice, an Australian version, turned them all into total insular Iceheads. I would have been better off at home knitting. Garn!

10:03 a.m.  
Blogger Kieran said...

You have learnt much. Not enought violence in there though for my liking. You could have injured someone, that would've been fine.

10:31 a.m.  
Blogger Sassy Sundry said...

If the invisible mariachi band had been playing at the party, the cokehead wanklord would have just danced. And he'd still be dancing with MiMi.

1:11 p.m.  
Blogger Rusticissimus maximus said...

Oh you like Puccini too?! I love you now...Not that I didn't before mind!

1:35 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Shebah, that's sodding well 'orrible.
What ho chumley warners, I was stuck in town most of the morning and didn't even have time to look at shoes never mind post on the blog.
I do like Fridays, but I'm really super against meetings.

4:33 p.m.  
Blogger PI said...

Gorgeous - loved every word of it! Oddly enough have been working on Rose quotations today and yours, whilst not totally accurate, is memorable:)
Fancy risking rotting your nasal septum. Gross!

5:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ergh, like that one form Eastenders, Daniele Westbrook or whatever or name was, horrid.

5:41 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

There you are!

6:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Here I am! Although I'm about to go to the pub.

6:10 p.m.  
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