Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Fucking Ubrellas



Oiiiii! Short people and olden folk! Listen up, just coz yer short does not give you the right to willfully blind the rest of us with you goddamned ubrellas. If you insist on putting your battered and lethally pointy brollies up for every squall, dribble, spit and downpour, at least have the fucking wit and common decency to remember that A) your lethal weapon is now at direct eye level with the rest of us non- dwarves, and B) your sodding Unbrella is at least a FOOT wider on either side of your miserable head.
I don't want to stand under your umbrella-ella -ella- ella -ay-ay-ay, so put the fucking thing away or be SLIGHTLY more careful with it.
Either that or I'm going to start carrying a scythe. We'll soon see who wins THAT little tussle.

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25 Comments:

Blogger Medbh said...

I use one as a sun screen (not that it's a problem for you this summer, FMC) but I promise i'm not a nuisance with it. A hooded raincoat is the best solution to the rain.

3:42 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you do any work?

3:43 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I can get you a new scythe for €50... they're not so easily come by. It's all rimmers, I mean strimmers nowadays. I've not seen a wooden handled scythe for more 'n a decade. Brill for the old schwink lop!

Medbh, what you've got there is a parasol.

Anonymous, get a life or at least an identity!

3:52 p.m.  
Blogger gimme a minute said...

I don't understand the point of them. Particularly if there's even the slightest bit of wind. The only thing the umbrella protects is the top of the head, so, you know, get a hat and stop poking.

You think blogging isn't work, anon? You think those little ubrella pictures find themselves?

3:52 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry was genuinely wondering where dedicated bloggers find the time, perhaps I phrased it wrong, sincere apologies.

4:02 p.m.  
Anonymous AM in Belgium said...

Hah! At last! Someone at long last saying what I have been saying for years. Except it's not short people who bother me - it's the rest of you slightly more normal sized people.

I'm tall, so it's all *your* umbrellas are liable to stab me in the eye.

4:04 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

It had to be said. Well done. I thought I was alone in noticing the sharp decline in umbrella manners. Time was people would make every attempt to avoid taking your eye out, now they don't give a flying fig.
I wonder if we aren't even MORE suited than I thought.
What am I saying, of course we are.

4:07 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Technically you're right, Conan. Did you know that umbrellas were invented 4-5,000 years ago for sun protection? The rain was an afterthought.

Fat Mammy Cat, I just read that the horrible psycho Michael Mullen got a minimum 35 year sentence for raping and murdering his niece.

4:15 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

Whats an umbrella? Its so long since we have seen rain over here :)

4:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No need to apologise Nonnie toots, I do bursts of manic work in between eating, going to the gym, going for lunch, running, humming and hawing, blogging and faffing about.
Microwave work, it's the way of the future.

Medbh, I did an update on him this morning. The miserable wretch, they found a whole load of child porn on his computer, so there were triggers with this scumbag.

4:48 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I am also ignoring MacDara and his weather reports for the rest of the day, do tell him that someone.
Conan, a sickle would also do, but it sort of lacks the 'uuumph.'

4:52 p.m.  
Anonymous Bonnie said...

FMC, scythes are SO bulky. Carry a small lighter in your pocket. Then, whilst standing behind one of these rude umbrella people (I use one, I am NOT rude with it) just quietly light it on fire.

5:05 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I like it, economical and to the point, only a pregnant woman would consider the bulk aspect.

5:08 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

Sorry FMC I can't help myself but its too warm at night.
The Next 10 days
High /
Low (°C) Precip. %
Tonight
Jul 03
Clear 24° 0 %
Wed
Jul 04
Sunny 29°/24° 0 %
Thu
Jul 05
Sunny 28°/23° 0 %
Fri
Jul 06
Sunny 29°/23° 0 %
Sat
Jul 07
Sunny 28°/23° 0 %
Sun
Jul 08
Sunny 28°/24° 0 %
Mon
Jul 09
Sunny 29°/24° 0 %
Tue
Jul 10
Sunny 29°/24° 0 %
Wed
Jul 11
Sunny 29°/25° 0 %
Thu
Jul 12
Sunny 29°/25° 0 %

5:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's just cruel.

6:08 p.m.  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"Listen up, just coz yer short does not give you the right to willfully blind the rest of us with you goddamned ubrellas."

Hey! I resemble that remark!

"Either that or I'm going to start carrying a scythe. We'll soon see who wins THAT little tussle."

Right, right, putting it away....

I'm with Medbh; I use one in the summer so that I don't burst into flames. In fact, my umbrella gets far more use in the summer than it does in the winter, come to think of it.

It's 106 here today. I'd go look up what that is in Celsius, but I believe I have melted to my seat.

It's supposed to be 109 tomorrow. Some rain would be nice, as long as it came with some cooler weather.

10:25 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I would gladly swap you tuesday for a bucket of sunshine today. Seriously, I've just come back from a one hour run and it rained exactly five times in that one hour. Does the really hot weather not play havoc with your allergies?

10:35 p.m.  
Anonymous Primal Sneeze said...

I refer to my umbrella as head & shoulders. The rain drips off it and soaks your lower half. Damn useless contraption.

4:46 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Umbrella... yes, from the Latin umbra - shadow/s. Pointless in cities (boom! boom!!)

This Global Wetting is getting out of hand. July 4, 13 degrees, and horsing it out of the heavens.

Scythe blade (not so bulky) can be bought separately - €30. You could do one of those Chinese martial arts movie moves...
... everything slowing down on a crowed street, the teeming rain falling, you make a slow motion leap into the air among the shorties with their brollies, then a 360 degree 'swink lop' with the blade... cutting a swathe through all the umbrella stalks...

10:37 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Woukd I get to wear a long leather coat and shades as I performed this mighty task? YAY!! I would wouldn't i?

10:42 a.m.  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"Does the really hot weather not play havoc with your allergies?"

No, I'm allergic to one thing or the other all throughout the year. The smoggy days get to my asthma, though. And the heat seems to be affecting my blood sugar levels, causing me to go all melodramatic and swoony.

Thanks for that exercize/prayer trade-off thing; I lost 8 pounds this last month. You go, girl, and I'll light some more candles.

10:51 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Oh... all right, I suppose. I was thinking more House of Flying Daggers than the Matrix... but to each their own.

11:29 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

я так считаю: шикарно. а82ч

7:49 p.m.  
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2:36 a.m.  
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5:37 a.m.  

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