Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Jealously, brats, plus ça change.

When I was a child my Gamma came to pick me up from school on a regular basis. This arrangement suited everyone. I would willingly go with Gamma where as I would kick up if my mother came to pick me up. It got Gamma out of the house and she entertained herself by being a condescending snob to all an sundry who hovered by the gate and down right rude to the head master whom she despised, owing to the fact that he once corrected her on some trivial matter (had she a gun, she would cheerfully have shot him where he stood in his George Webbs)
I was in baby infants, which means I was about 4. Now Gamma, being Gamma, was a great believer in being soft hearted with me and annoying the shit out of my mother. So naturally the easiest way to do that was to stuff me full of sweets before dinner. This was our little secret.
On this particular day I was playing with my now oldest friend. We were building some sort of fort in the sand pit and although Gamma had called me I- empress that I was- would come when I was good and ready.
I'm not sure at what juncture I looked up. But I do know what abomination met my eyes.
There was Gamma- MY Gamma- smiling and talking to some jug eared lout from the year above me. And -GET THIS!- she had given him a packet of Rollos!
It is both a gift and a curse to be able to remember back over thirty years. But remember I do. I remember the twisted coiling sensation as rage, utter unbridled rage, enveloped me. I remember standing. I remember marching, pudgy legs pinwheeling, sending sand flying. I remember crossing the grass, I remember pulling up alongside this treacherous pair. Gamma with her tightly curled perm and silk shirts in scarlet with ruffles, her pearl earrings, her croc bag with the gold clasp ( where on earth did that bag ever go?) I remember that ugly boy with his buck teeth and hand me down clothes, ( mine were too, but some of his were so tattered a scare crow might baulk)
I remember he turned to me and I could see chocolate around his mouth, toffee in his teeth, He was in ecstasy, he made 'myomp myomp' sounds. He looked up at Gamma-my Gamma!- and beamed at her.
He was eating my chocolate. That my gamma had give him. Mine.
So I did what I thought best suited the occasion.
I kicked him as hard as I could in the shin.
Oh the sickening crack.
Oh the howls.
Oh the tears.
Oh Gamma's anger.
Oh she had a second packet of Rollos in her hand bag.
Oh well.
Actually the reason I remember it all so clearly is not because of the violence I meted out to that poor boy, but because of the lecture Gamma gave me all the way home. She used 'I'm very disappointed in you.' Which is the one thing, the ONLY thing that ever got through my defenses as a child. If my father said it or Gamma said it I was bereft.
Naturally I roared crying all the way home. But not for being sad over what I'd done but because I was a bully and a brat, filled with outrage and because my Gamma had been nice to that horrid boy. How dare she? And now she had used the dreaded disappointed line. How dare the world treat me in such a despicable fashion!!
My Rollos tasted bitter that day... actually they tasted chocolaty, but with that poor fool's snot filled hiccupping tears ringing in my ears and Gamma's disappointment I knew I had discovered something within myself that was ugly and ought to be tempered.
Jealously, bad, acting on it, much worse.

It wasn't until I reached about thirty that I became relatively contented with my lot in life. There is something about hitting the big 3 0 that cuts through the bullshit. Suddenly I cared not what others thought, I figured I was quite comfortable in my own skin, I didn't need stuff I thought I did. I was content to drive the car I drove, work the job I worked.
That's not to say jealously doesn't rear its ugly head now and then. You can know something about yourself and still suffer from it. Only these days it's not so much jealously I suffer from as a mild coveting of things. Shoes say, houses on Temple Road and Orwell park, that sort of thing.
Certainly I have evolved past kicking the shins of people and taking what I consider ought to be mine.
Or so I thought.
Because as Marmalade is my witness, as soon as I saw the photo of Christina Ricci and that puppy, my leg shot out and and an imaginary shin was shattered.
Her puppy, me wants it.
Kick Kick.



Anonymous nonny said...

You are an only child??

Why don't you just get a pug?? I'm thinking of getting one so I can carry him around in my handbag and piss my mother off. I am a bit weary of full breeds I like jack russells as well.

10:55 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I am not an only child. And I want a french bulldog puppy, although I do like pugs. But I wouldn't carry him around in a bag. He could walk. Oooo I just love them.

11:00 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Ah, the canine equivalent of rhubarb licked off carrot tops' pecs on a rummy Friday evening...

I'm SO disappointed in you!:)

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'd never get any work done if I had one Conan, I'd spend all day talking to him in a high pitched voice and blowing kisses on his belly. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

11:02 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

There I added the photo a charming black and white one. Ohhhh so adorable.

11:04 a.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

Holdy mac up here, what is the difference??

11:06 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Between what? Pugs and french Bulldogs? Different breeds. Pugs are originally from china I think. Feanch Bulldogs are, well little bulldogs with bat ears and kissable bellies.

11:08 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

What if Puddy said the cat equivalent of eff off and ripped his likkle earsies?

11:09 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

She wouldn't, she loves puppiessssssss. I'd be more worried about the Bigger of the Cats or the Marklar, who still forgets who the Paramour is from time to time (not the brightest of animals)

11:13 a.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Ahhhhhh I googled them for some reason I always though you meant pugs, the Bull dogs are soooo cute. Yes I can see lots of belly kissing going on. Is there anywhere in Ireland you can get them? I need a pal for Floyd, it is mean only having one dog. I could get one of those baby carrier thingys and put him in it whilst we are running, why I might even put a wool bonnet on his head.

11:16 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't know anyone breeding them in the country. But I will have one some day. Even if I have to go abroad to get one.

11:18 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Ma'am, you're a woman of expensive tastes... €2,000 a pup...
in Co. Kildare

11:26 a.m.  
Blogger Lou said...

If you get one go for a bit of a runt (ie not good enough to use as a breeder) and they're cheaper. We had to get a poodle because my sister had a severe fur allergy, we got the runt and she was half the price and she looked like a little sheep because we never cut her because it was too embarassing... She was a deadly dog...

11:29 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

They are very expensive for sure.
I wouldn't get a run Lou, runts are runts. They might make super pets, but they often have health problems, and if you're shelling out big buck for a dog you really need to get the best one you can lay your hands on.
A little sheep. God I bet she was too cute for words. They're so damn clever too, poodles.

11:37 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

I have to confess I prefer bigger dogs, the little ones all seem very neurotic and yappy, and a bit too Paris Hilton for my taste (except for the minature collie!). I love the good natured faces and hairiness of lurchers, so loveable and loyal. A friend of mine has a black spoodle (cross between spaniel and poodle) and it is a beautiful looking creature, but uncontrollably scatty; (that might be the friend's fault)

11:39 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Frenchies are pretty hardy rambunctious chaps. The can rough it up with the best of them. I think Spaniels are gorgeous too, but you could be right about the scattiness. CG's dog is mostly spaniel and he's daft as a brush. Great temperament though. Hasn't a bad bone in his body.

11:44 a.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

I am going to look into this and see if I can order one. With the whole runt business I think they do better, I had a newfie, Tiny (Lord rest him) he was a pedigree, the son from two award winning show dogs and he had nothing but problems, my lill mofo had a golden retriever and she was the same. Floyd is the runt, my god he is enormous, he is a German Sheppard and touch wood, I have never had a bother with him; he is super strong and an absolute gentleman. He is even nice to the puppy we are minding. I think he likes the company that’s why I am thinking of extending our family. My old neighbour gave him to me for nothing and I love him to death. Newbie threw a pair of socks at me one night and why Floyd almost ripped his head off. Plus he doesn’t try to kill the hens unlike the brat cat. I'd prefere mixed breeds ot the underdog so to speak.

11:56 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Have at look at "Joseph" on
isn't he just adorable! I realise with pets it is a very subjective choice. I love my ginger cat, he is turning into a very big boy indeed, maybe has a bit of bengal in him - I would never have chosen him, but was given him by a friend, and now think ginger is the only kind to have! Every time I see a picture of a ginger cat now I go ahhh!

12:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

He's like the dog that used to be in Heartbeat!
I've often heard greyhounds make excellent pets and like nothing more than snoozing on beds and furniture once they get a good run or walk daily. I"m not sure how sight hounds would work out with cats though. I imagine not so good.

12:10 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Nonny - Jeez - why would you go and order a dog that FMC wants to get? Do you buy the same clothes as your friends? I had a mate like that once, everything I had she had to copy, it drove me potty!

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I was thinking SWF myself, shebah.

12:15 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...


12:18 p.m.  
Blogger Annie said...

I met a French Bulldog puppy at the vet the other day. I thought of you and giggled when the owner told me his name was Bruce Wayne.

12:18 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Take you single white female accusations elsewhere. I am not like that, I am an indi-vid-u-al. I just thought he was nice was all. I think I like Jack Russells a bit more though, I would go to the DSPCA and pick an old randomer but I don't him making cat and chiken soup whilst I am not there.

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Nonny, get a young pup so the cat and the fowl can put manners on it.

12:45 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Shebah, you have to see this, how the noble hound deal with the upstart Frenchie!

1:26 p.m.  
Blogger The Bad Ambassador said...

The close personal friend wants 2 boxers. They shall be called Bruce and Stanley.

1:52 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Bruce and Stanley, snarf. I like it. Annie! I just saw that now, what a brilliant name for a Frenchie.

2:00 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Yeah thats what I was thinking Conan, I'd take an abandoned pup regardless of breed, I phoned the DSPCA Saturday and oddly enough they had no baby puppies.

2:08 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Did they only have adult puppies?

2:25 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Har diddle har, correct me if I am wrong but they are considered puppies until they are 12 mths aren't they? I want one fresh from the delivery suite.

2:35 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Twenty, heh...

2:51 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

FMC - loved that clip! Loved the big softie lurcher - wanted to take him home. Those little dogs are like little men, aggressive and pushy - give me the big softie any day (much easier to manage)! Looks like you relish a challenge, FMC! Har!

3:04 p.m.  
Anonymous CubaLibre said...

Have to say am usually quite scared of dogs, but French bulldogs are beyond sweet, especially when they cock their little heads to one side!

4:27 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

FMC, when I saw a pic of her with the cutie pooch yesterday, I thought of you and Batman. I think the faun colored kind are so much sweeter looking and more kissable.
I'm going to be unbearable when we get our puppy at the end of the month, whatever it turns out to be.

4:32 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Pictures Medbh! We will require pictures, then we can eeeee from both sides of the pond.
Nonny,there's a website called You might find a pup there if you're considering adopting one.
Right, I must away to dress for I am off to town to sample of the delight we call rum. RUM! How I have missed you so.

4:56 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dogs poop. And if all goes well, they continue to poop for ten or twelve years. If I moved back out to the country, where dogs could poop outdoors without me having to know about it, I'd think about it.
If you do end up with one of those adorable little bastards, may it poop small, and rarely.

6:06 p.m.  
Anonymous laughykate said...

I have always wanted to have a fat black and white pussy cat and call it The Spare Bedroom.

7:49 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I suspicion you are having blogchummy rummy...

10:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Your suspicions were well grounded.

9:42 a.m.  
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