Thursday, March 27, 2008

The evangelical exerciser.

Yesterday the paramour said he was feeling a bit better now that he has joined me in some exercise-football season is over for the mo and he had been busy sitting around until last week.
Naturally this admission brought forth a burst of 'See! That's terrific!! And next week we'll...'
It went on for some time.
After which he said, 'Well, I don't think I'm as evangelical as you about it, but I do feel a bit better, that's all.'
Then he went around a roundabout too quickly and I forgot all about what we were talking about as I concentrated on keeping my stomach below my rib cage.
But it popped up into my head this morning.
Evangelical?
I hadn't thought I was, but then again he could well be correct. After all, I have talked a country gay into running. I have a Satdee post open for chumlies. I have made Etheline take up weights. Back in the days when I conversed with the Lilac Couch I was forever trying to get her to move her arse. I check Crossfit obsessively each day, following progress the way some people follow stocks.
See chumlies, I don't get people who don't do anything with their bodies. I don't. I can't get my head around them. I see people in my gym all the freaking time, walking slowly on the treadmills watching soap operas or MTV, not even breaking a sweat and I want to run up to them and ask, 'Why are you doing that? Why won't you go faster? Why wouldn't you just walk around the block? Don't you feel you should go faster? Won't you at least try? here, just push it up a bit, there! that's right, see? You can do it!'
I see people on the weight machines, pulling down 2k and again I'm filled with, 'Why? Why? There's no resistance, it's too fast, engage your muscles, make the movement count! here let me show you, more weight! More weight!!'
I watch women avoid the free weight section like they might catch muscliness merely by association.
'Come back!' I inwardly holler, 'Don't be afraid, come join us! You might like it! Let me show you how to do a push press!'
My current peeve is people who get on the rowing machine, row for precisely half a K and then get off, they usually follow getting off by drinking long and hard from their sports drink, having depleted their energy reserves with their Herculean efforts.
'Stop drinking that crap! Get back on and hit it hard for at least hit 15 minutes, sweat sweat, push up the resistance! Dig deep, haul ass, here I'll race you! Wanna race? Do you? huh huh?'
Then no sooner have I thought this, I am filled with,'Mind you own fucking business, what the hell is it to you what way people exercise? You're hardly one to talk, Jesus bloody christ you're such a bloody-'
Quite right.
But that doesn't stop the evangelical side of me from getting all huffy and sneery. 'Screw you tolerant dweeb.' It will say, 'I'm here to testify!'
I regularly fuck my own self up my competing with others in the gym. There is a lady who goes on Saturday who is pretty bloody buff actually, and also the colour of walnut. If I see her in the weights section, I immediately up my game. If I am on the rowing machine and the cute red haired chap with the minging tattoo gets on too, I won't be getting off my machine until he goes first.
And then I'm PERMANENTLY in competition with myself. Have I gone up a weight on the bench? Down a weight on the grav? No? Why not? WHY?
Now there is no reason in the world for this kind of stupidity, but I'm filled with it.
The only time I am not filled with competition is when I'm running. Which is rather a pain in the arse actually, since I plan to run a lot over the next few years. But nope, I hate running with groups, I like running on my Sweeny Todd, I like fucking poodling! However, with the Bupa Great Run coming up in two weeks, I'd better find a way quick smart to get over that load of old hooey.
Oh we all have demons. Mine is called Daisy, Lazy Daisy, the poodlingist poodler of Poodlington Hall.
But enough about me and enough about Daisy. People! When you go to the gym, give it everything you've got. You're only there for a short while you might as well put the pedal to the metal. Sweat damn you. Burn calories, force those muscles to work. And if you see a lobster faced mongrel haired woman both glaring and smiling at you and possibly talking to herself, ignore her. Or speed up.

Labels:

44 Comments:

Blogger Lou said...

What I hate, I mean really HATE in the gym, is when all the treadmills are full of people walking and watching Eastenders. There should be a rule that you have to run at least for a while... or get the hell off it for someone who wants to run and do some heart rate training (i.e. me)....

FMC have you ever thought of doing personal training??

11:20 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Christ no Lou, that scenario would likely end up with me digging a large hole in the Phoenix Park and depositing my 'client' into it.

11:23 a.m.  
Blogger Lou said...

Haha, might not be the best for business alright...

Am off to get some more crisps. This carb-loading thing is by far my favourite part of marathon training... :-)

11:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Golly I enjoyed that too, especially the mounds of mashed potato with butter. Yum!

11:49 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

not a big fan of the gym to be honest I find it a bit boring. I prefer doing classes in kickboxing or some such.

although I prefer going to the pub more than either unfortunately...

Morgor

12:32 p.m.  
Anonymous Primal Sneeze said...

I hate it when people sign up with our long distance spitting club and never come to training. Even when they do it's just dribble, dribble, dribble. Pathetic! It took us 8 long hard months to build ourselves up for the national finals last year and these prats think they can just turn up on the day and win.

Haauughhh phloot, I say, haaughhh phloot.

1:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Quite right Sneezy, the golden spitoon won't ever rest on an amateur mantle.
It's only boring if you make it boring Morgor. See, oh I can't help myself.

First lawn mow of the season has been completed, oh how I hate mowing the bloody lawn. Also the front lawn now seems to be made up of 80% moss. Anyone got any idea how to rectify that? It's pretty blooming deep in places. Like walking on shag pile.

1:12 p.m.  
OpenID grimsaburger said...

I enjoy your evangelizing, and I'm sure you had more than a little to do with me sucking it up and aiming for a 10k. Which, by the way, I did 4.5 miles continuous running on Sunday, a Grimsaburger record! It may have taken nearly an hour, but I did it, and with minimal soreness afterwards. Except for that bleeding toe thing, and who needs a toe, really?
Now a gym is a far different thing. As a student, I have free access to the university's gyms but the thing is, they're full of the terribly affluent hot young things that go to school here. I just can't cross that threshold yet.

1:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Well done Grimsbaby! That's a impressive run. Congratulations.
Never be afraid of the gym, folk are there to work, same as you.

1:28 p.m.  
OpenID backpedalbrakes said...

Nice evangelising, it's just the kick up the arse I need to get back to the gym after a week away. Even if I'm guaranteed to be the only woman in the entire weights area (free weights and otherwise) and otherwise likely to be surrounded by women who put *on* makeup to work out. Grrrrrr.

1:55 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Lilac Couch! AHAHAHAHAHA!

You would hate me at the gym.
I do not sweat.
But I do try to lift a fair amount of weight.

You have lovely hair, FMC. Not at all mongrel-ish.

1:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

People put ON make up to work out? But wouldn't it just slide down to their chin after ten minutes? Weird.

Medbh! Well done on the weights. Very important, good for the bones. Builds a nice shape to the body too. And thank you for the compliment. It is currently atop my head in a knot. There may be bits of leaves and spiders and christ know what else it it.

Now, anyone know anything about lawn moss?

2:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

"And if you see a lobster faced mongrel haired woman both glaring and smiling at you and possibly talking to herself"

Lordy, LOL, FMC - step away from those machines and chill. You are sounding dangerously evangelical! My female doctor says she is increasingly referring gym bunnies in their early forties for hip and knee replacement as they have damaged themselves by excessive exercise in their twenties and thirties. She recommends fast walking and swimming as the safe exercises - not jogging or running - and that if you feel pain you are doing damage to your body. I'm happy to believe her as I have joined gyms and give up after a month (my local gym is full heavily muscled men and women - scary!).

2:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

I still can't do weights, when I decide on a new gym I'll do them. You have to wait for everything in my current place of exercise.

You know the lawn moss business there is stuff you can buy in Homebase for that, it is their own brand, probably about ten dollars or so. I moved to an old house and it was all over the place, coming out onto the patio and all sorts. That stuff was very good. I just used lawn feed then and it has pretty much gone.

2:29 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

Moss is outcompeted by modern strains of grass in a high nitrogen environment. Therefore, one of the best ways to get rid of moss is to tilt the balance in favour of grass - i.e., by increasing the amount of nitrogen on your lawn.

Now, I could suggest the lazy option of going to your local nursery and buying some poncy fancy schmancy 'grass enhancer' stuff, but to be honest, it is pretty much the same mixture as what farmers put on their fields (10-10-20), so if you want the same effect, go to a co-op and buy a 50kg bag of this stuff, put it on by scattering the stuff by hand (about 2 bags per acre) and doing it about three times this summer.

A more natural alternative is to use blood. This is much cheaper, maybe even free, and a bit more organic. Therefore, go to your local abbatoir and ask for a few gallons of blood and spray this liberally on your lawn for the next six months.

It'll work a treat on the moss.

2:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No way Shebah, I intend to gallop on. My new hips will be spring loaded.
Nonny, does it balls up the grass though? And would it be poisonous to cats?

2:32 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thanks Docky! Blood eh? I will slaughter the local Reiki sect next full moon out on the lawn. They can heal my lawn that way! Cheers.

2:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

It did make the grass a little patchy but about a week later I sprinkled a lawn feed/weed killer combination thingy (also in Homebase) on it and the grass came on great.

As for the pets business I am almost certain that once it is well watered in, kids and pets are safe to go on it. I understand your concern, I have a cat, dog, hens, niece and nephew, I would have been very conscious of that when buying the stuff. It must have been ok the hens would eat anything. I have it in the shed at home. I will look this evening and tell you.

2:49 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Blood on the lawn - that's a new one. Better do it at night as the neighbours might think you are a serial killer! It might bring all the local foxes and rats for a visit (and the werewolves!). I found lawn sand (a very fine silver sand) did the trick and seemed to improve the drainage. Had to do it last year. Grass looks good and bouncy now and no moss.

2:54 p.m.  
OpenID backpedalbrakes said...

Re the makeup ladies - these be the ones who stroll along on the treadmill at 5kph and do maybe 5 reps bicep curls at 2.5kg, so no fear of slideage. Bah.

3:25 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

I tried to get a friend to join back in grad school. I kept poking at her because I knew she was trying to lose weight. Then she told me that she wears a wig because she suffers from alapecia and was bald before she hit 21. She was afraid of the wig falling off or getting out of place at the gym.
I wasn't able to convince her that it would be okay.
Poor woman.

3:39 p.m.  
Blogger Lou said...

There's a strip bar near where I work (there is one near ANYWHERE bankers work lol) and I think the girls from it go to my gym because there's a group that are all so made up it's scary. Smoky eyeshadow at 5.30pm on a Tuesday in the gym. It's not right...

3:59 p.m.  
Blogger Caro said...

I'm the only woman who sweats in my gym. The rest are all caked in makeup. Actually that's only nearly true. There's one teenchy wee girl who lifts about twice as much as me on every machine, I don't know how she does it.

Blood stinks. When the farmers near my parents' house used to spread it on the fields we'd have to stay indoors and keep the windows shut. Maybe your lawn wouldn't require enough to smell up the gaff though.

4:12 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

Seeing as I am spending a lot of time in the pool, I am developing a seething hatred of slow swimmers that swim in the fast lane, and do 50 metres and then stop for a while and repeat, (which is pretty ineffective for aerobic exercise). Then theres the ones that despite the fact that I have to slow down and end up breastroking slowly 2 inches behind them they still won't pull over (the etiquette is tap someone on the leg, they pull over, if this happens 3 times, move to a slower lane). I got so sick of it the other day, I called the lifeguard over and got someone booted from the lane. Ithen smashed my 1500 metres record by 2 minutes fueled by smugness and bile.

4:16 p.m.  
Blogger Lou said...

FMC I HAD to share this, I'm still in a state of shock at the request... I'm in a running club and this just got sent through the mailing forums...

Message reads:-
Hi There,
I am e-mailing from endemol TV company and we are looking for a group of ladies
runners who would like to participate in some filming for us. The programme is
called Gok's Clothes Show and is a brand new fashion show for channel 4. We are
making a series of short glossy films for the show where we set a group of girls the
task of testing a range of clothes from designer to high street. It will be a fun
and colourful item, where we want the girls to enjoy trying out the clothes. The
reason I am contacting running clubs is that I am looking for 6 girls sized between
8-12, of an average shoe size 5 or 6. We would like them to attempt to run round a
race track in stiletto's. We're aiming for a Chariots Of Fire theme, and we want to
use starting blocks with a starting gun etc. Do you think anyone in your running
club would be interested? The filming would take place in May. I look forward to hearing from you.
Many Thanks & Best Wishes


Janine Sheridan
Researcher
Gok's Clothes Show

Endemol UK, Shepherds Building Central, Charecroft Way, Shepherds Bush, London, W14 0EE
Tel: 020 8222 4370

4:25 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Smugness and bile! A high quality fuel no doubt. And many congratulations on your new PB.

Sweet idiocy on a pogo stick, run around a track in stilettos? Are they barking? I can dance in them sure, but run? daft painful and probably dangerous. No doubt the sign up will be enormous.

Caro! Reiki blood though, it's bound to be odorless and full of inner moss killing warmth.

Medbh, poor gal indeed, why not just wear a headscarf when exercising? There's a few ladies in my gym who are pretty hairless and they wear coloured headscarves out on the main floor.

I don't get the point of make up in the gym, if I wore it- and frankly it would be nice to tone down the lobster sometimes- it would be gone in minutes.
Also who do they think is looking at them? There's a rash of tangerine skin going about my gym at the moment. Fake tan is truly the devil's smegma and I cannot for the life of understand how grown women think it looks good. Yack.
I over heard two women talking about a third yesterday and the sentence that caught my attention was 'she has real pale skin, you know?' Like it was a bad thing. Better pale than naranja
any bloomin' day.

4:37 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

BTE, not the be contrary, but I Shebahs comment on knee and hip problems hides some details. I believe that the current scientific consensus is that people who run consistently, and do so with good form and properly fitted running shoes, with the correct pronation have stronger denser cartilage than those than don't. People with injuries are usually those that stop start exercise, do not have proper technique or gear and tend to overdo it and ignore warning signs. Most experienced athletes are very conscious of warning pains and twinges.

4:42 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Ah fake tan is not that bad. I am a die hard fan of it but I don't cake myself in it. I hate, hate hate tights and trousers so it is the only option. Some people go a little crazy with it, particularly in the gym. People have been tango'ed all over the place.

4:51 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

i've only ever gone to the gym with make up on if i'm working out after work. although it really only is mascara, and i'm not there to impress.

i do the same thing in my head, FMC. the gym is such a people-watching event for me at times.... lift more! move more!

today i was swimming my laps - or rather floundering - and these girls got in, put flippers on and grabbed a kickboard each, and began paddling around talking about the latest sorority party.... in full makeup, none the less!

there's also a girl who shows up quite regularly in a large, scoop neck turtleneck, and sits on a bench in the free weights section. she stares at all the boys, and when no one is around might do a sit up or two.

why pay the membership if you're just going to moon about?

5:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Most of the fake tan wearers in my gym just look weird and streaky. Plus it seems to be darker around their elbows and knees so they clearly aren't exfoliating properly before lathering up.

Daisy, how goes the swimming? Whenever I read you or John Mc I always feel I"m missing out on something, but then I head to the pool, swing a length or two and remember that I am actually a very bad swimmer indeed and it's not something I enjoy.

6:16 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Good evening Miss Cat. I looked at the moss thing, it seems I was mistaken; the moss thing and fertilizer were in fact the same thing just in different packaging. The first one I bought is in a green bag like moss peat, I used the whole lot the first time, which the little mofo informs me is probably the reason the grass went patchy. I used too much. The second one, also wearing green is in a plastic boxy thingy. After using this the lawn blossomed, t’would bring a tear to ones eye. It is called Lawn Feed, Weed and Moss Killer. Quite original eh. Please note I am not a skin flint, buying Homebase’s own brand, it was a last resort I swear. Also animals and kids are good to go, ONCE it is well watered. I’m off to harass some of politicians, happy gardening neighbour!

7:26 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Good evening Miss Cat. I looked at the moss thing, it seems I was mistaken; the moss thing and fertilizer were in fact the same thing just in different packaging. The first one I bought is in a green bag like moss peat, I used the whole lot the first time, which the little mofo informs me is probably the reason the grass went patchy. I used too much. The second one, also wearing green is in a plastic boxy thingy. After using this the lawn blossomed, t’would bring a tear to ones eye. It is called Lawn Feed, Weed and Moss Killer. Quite original eh. Please note I am not a skin flint, buying Homebase’s own brand, it was a last resort I swear. Also animals and kids are good to go, ONCE it is well watered. I’m off to harass some of politicians, happy gardening neighbour!

7:26 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

i don't know fmc, swimming is really growing on me. we have such a small pool (25 yds long) and i'm starting so slowly (100 yds) that it's not bad. i find it very relaxing, actually. plus, it's the hardest cardio exercise that i've come across - i can run and bike for quite awhile, but one or two laps and i'm heaving for breath.

maybe it's the pool itself? ours is never crowded, so i'm never worried about being in someone's way..... but if it were a busier pool i might not swim as much.

7:28 p.m.  
Blogger aquaasho said...

Hey FMC! I'd imagine you will become extremley competitive at running when you start running a few more races. You already want to knock heaps of time off your marathon time don't ya!! That's competitive-ness for ya! Bet you have a time in mind for the BUPA one too.
I'm quite laid back in the gym, but I'm usually there when there's hardly anyone around!

8:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cheers for the info Nonny.
Sounds good Daisy Mae, I find swimming exhausting too I have to say, it really knocks me for six.
Aisling! Top of the evening to you. For BUPA my one and only goal is not to go over the hour. Oh yes, speedy mac speed ought to be my middle name.
Not long now missus, are you getting nervous? Or are you cool as a winter's breeze?

8:39 p.m.  
Anonymous laughykate said...

Hallelujah, I have been wanting to have a pool bitch for some time. I despise rude slow swimmers who will take off nano seconds before you're just about to turn.My pool is generally always really busy so you can't overtake another person unless you want to risk a head on, you just have to wait.

And the other day I was in the same lane as a swimming bully. This great big beast of a man was swimming really fast (he was wearing flippers - WHAT IS WITH THAT? Anyone?) and he was being really intimidating and agressive. Now, I am small and polite, if someone is swimming faster than me, I will always let them go ahead of me. I'm a faster swimmer in the middle lane, slow swimmer in the fast lane - so generally head for the middle, unless there's gridlock. And this horrible man - who should have been in the fast lane - actually swam over me - after catching up me as we reached the end. It was really awful. I should have complained but I just swore at him and go out.

And as for those sifty fuckers who all sit in the spa pool, I just wish they would stop staring. It's creepy.

8:56 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Wow, how fucking rude. Did you swallow a ton of water? Vile. I would have complained on his flippered arse. ( I don understan that, flippers in a swimming pool?)
Those spa pools always make me think Epidermal Stew, yack.

9:25 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

FMC, Daisy Mae, Swimming is all technique. Improve that and you will quintuple your distance, dectuple it even.

Laughykate - I hate fuckers in fins also. They are a great training aid as they force you to move your arms faster, but most pools only allow them as long as you don't swim over people. I always notice that most people with fins burn out after a few 100 metres.

Spa pools, I'm love spa's, sauna's steam rooms, but it all depends on where. I was a member of a YMCA in SF which had a large gay male membership. I can tell some stories. They had to put up a sign with an ever changing number of people who had lost their membership due to inappropriate sexual behavior! I could care less about someones sexual preference, but that is fucking icky.

9:47 p.m.  
Blogger daisy mae said...

oooh, we've the creepy guys who sit in the spa pools and watch us do laps as well. it's unnerving.

i love the steam room... although if it's myself and one other person i find it a bit awkward because it's so quiet....

10:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Eeek John, my imagination has just run rampant. Squeee.
Daisy Mae, at my gym in BCN they used to put menthol into the steam, talk about shock to the system. It was terrific after a long work out, really opened the lungs and cleared the airwaves. But most steam rooms here in Dublin are tiny and I'm a touch claustrophobic so I don't use them.
Hate saunas though, not into dry heat at all.

11:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Russell said...

People reading books and magazines while on machines - can someone explain that one to me please? Is it not too hard to focus as your head bobs up and down? And would you not join a library if you want to read?

1:42 a.m.  
Blogger aquaasho said...

Hi FMC I'm optimistic now and feeling good, thanks for asking. You know yourself, time goes so slowly in the last couple of weeks because of the taper! I'm off out now to do 17 miles, last kinda long one. After that it's just watching the clock tick by for two weeks! Aaargh

9:16 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh Aislilng, I do love how you can put '17 miles' and 'kinda long' into one sentence and mean it.
Russell, absolutely. How can they concentrate?

11:27 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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5:59 p.m.  

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