Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Babies, birth and cigars.

Oh the Daily Mail, how you doth make me laugh, swear and cause my blood pressure to rise up from the sluggish deep like a wayward cephalopod. Honestly, without you I doubt I'd be able to function before nine am. You're like a shot of adrenaline, a double expresso from Barcelona, a quick snort of columbian marching powder. Yep, the indo used to rile me up, but these days only the Sindo makes by eyebrows flutter, but oh Daily Mail, nothing will ever surpass the deep loathing I reserve for you.
Today's rancid witterings is all about the babies, or rather the birth of said babies, and how ladies, wan faint creatures of delicate sensibilities that we are, ought to be left in peace while they deliver their bee bees, sorry babies- preferable at home, sans drugs and with maybe an aunt or two to help, and how the proud fathers ought to be out playing golf and sharing cigars, perhaps downing peaty whiskey to drown the bee bees newly crowned head.

Poor put upon 'top obstetrician' Mike Odent' has been struggling under the PC yoke of suppression for eons, but HUZZAH! finally through the power of the Mail he can cast his view upon the waters of life. And what are they I hear you ask?
Why this...' For many years, I have not been able to speak openly about my views that the presence of a father in a delivery room is not only unnecessary, but also hinders labour.'

Hear that selfish bitch sisters? You have made Mike feel oppressed. Now get this. Women giving birth is women's work and men are nothing more than a hinderance. Women don't give birth in a gentle pleasing manner if their partners are there, faffin about and getting in the way. And partners suffer so when forced to attend, poor lambs. Right? Got it?
Whaddya mean you require proof that those clumsy men are nought but a pesky pain? Bitch please. Because Mike god damned well said so. And if you persist with this shit you're gonna wind up in the poor house with no mans, you heard me, no mans.
"As for the effect on a man - well, was I surprised to hear a friend of mine state that watching his wife giving birth had started a chain of events that led to the couple's divorce?"

You fucking selfish hussies! Well? Was Mike surprised? Well? You can bet your ass he wasn't. See See what you're doing? Expecting the father of your unborn child to be at the birth leads to DIVORCE! And what then? Huh huh?

Oh, you don't believe it? You still think some daddies might like to be present to welcome their child into the world. PHOOEY! Be prepared for the next ZINGER.

Doctor Odent recalls ...'another lady describing how the day after her husband had watched her deliver their child, he had fled to his hometown of Rome, and never returned again?

For many men, the emotional fallout of watching their partner have their baby can never be overcome."

See? See what you wymmin have wrought? With your rights and your 'liberation' and your out and out bitch selfishness. DO you want your husband to go to ROME? Is that it? Want them to take to their beds? How could you? What the fuck is wrong with you? I mean I know you're going through childbirth and it's painful and all that nonsense- most of which I have tuned out by the way and now I"m doing 'wah-wah' signs with my hand- but what about him? ROME! You PC bitches better remember that.
And you men, what the hell is is with you lot? Like pink do ya? Why aren't you downstairs boiling water and pacing helplessly when your partner goes into labour? What are you, sissies? Don't you know your women need time to gaze at the beebee? To smell the bee bee? What the fuck are you bothering her for? Why are you thinking you'd like to bond with your own child? Snap out of it! Why aren't you off killing something or at the very least down the pub? You're the reason pubs are struggling, selfish toads.
What do you mean you want to be part of the experience? What the hell do you mean you might actually want to be there at the birth of your child? Are you mad. Didn't I already explain about the hinderance factor?
Wymmin and Nancy boys, the lorra yer.



Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Hmm, it's not for no reason the Latin derivation of the word obstetrician is ob/stare, meaning to stand by. IE most obstetricians are surplus to requirements as mothers and midwives get on with the business of labour and giving birth. I've seen three babies come into the world so I know a little of which I speak.
Odent is just a regressive whinger trying to carve out a lucrative private practise as obstetrician to Tory troglodytes.

10:58 a.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

WHAT!? Where's the cartoon stork with the baby in the blanket? I'm confused.

11:03 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Godd be with the days when wimmin would wander off into the bush to have their baby on their own, without having to cause a "hullaballoo" in the homestead.
Those women were able to cut off the umbilical cord, and make a tasty snack with the placenta.

Nowadays all we get are "yummy mummies" a la "Demi Moore" flaunting her very pregnant form on magazine covers.
Pregnancy must really rile some women, the fact that men are exempt from this process. So chomp away on the old Havana's lads and drink that peaty whiskey, it's wimmins work and make no mistake.

Childbearing hips and good tits are not merely for decorative functions, nay they have practical functions also and personally are something I pay particular attention to in any potential partner.

11:06 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Wait a god damn minute here, You've 'seen' three babies come into the world and yet you aren't living in ROME?

Sheepie, I told it to shut its yap. Stoks should only deliver babies in a quiet and pleasing manner.

11:07 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"Pregnancy must really rile some women, the fact that men are exempt from this process."
Peeeeew, straight over the bow without hitting a single plank! Well done anonymous.

11:09 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

I am laughing so hard I can hardly breathe! FMC, this is truly your most splendid post ever! When I recover my equilibrium I will post a comment.

11:13 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmm ....methinks I hear the ticking of FMC's biological clock in that rather curt retort

11:19 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmm ....methinks I hear the ticking of FMC's biological clock in that rather curt retort

11:19 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I know, and I've never even been in Rome.

11:33 a.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

How about a compromise. If I ever go into labor, SPOUSE can be present or not, it's up to him, but I'LL need the whisky.

12:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sounds reasonable to me.

12:24 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

I wonder do the flights to Rome come on the NHS...

12:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

They surely must, I mean the NHS must be flush with cash no? Like the HSC here.

12:47 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A man watches his wife give birth, which starts a chain of events (that apparently begins with seeing her nether regions in an unfuckable state) that leads to divorce.

A man watches his wife give birth, and is so distraught by seeing her nether regions in an unfuckable state that he hightails it to Rome, never to return.

"For many men, the emotional fallout of watching their partner have their baby can never be overcome."

It's not "emotional fallout," doctor. It's the absolute inability of a jerk husband or boyfriend to contemplate his birthing wife/girlfriend as anything other than that thing he gets to poke and grope now and then.

But, but, SCIENCE! Hormones! Adrenaline! Oxytocin! The "love" hormone! Men have postpartum depression too! Won't someone think of the men?!?!?!

You're right, FMC, it does do wonders to wake you up in the morning.

1:15 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It do, don't it. Now stop being such an uppity bitch and go put some lunch on for your mans. You don't want him to end up in ROME now do you?

1:31 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

I can never understand how any man wanting to be a doctor would chose delivering babies as his speciality. I always think they are perverts and would not let them near me, furthermore I cannot understand how any women about to give birth would give a shit what any man thinks. If you want Daddy or your sister or whoever there bring them all. If you want a Caesarean you should be entitled to one, if you want to schedule an appointment and give birth between Neighbours and Home and Away feel free to do so, if you want a home birth have one, if you want a pain free natural delivery on your own, off you go, enjoy yourself. Men should mind their own business and do as their told.

1:58 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

if you want a pain free natural delivery on your own, off you go, enjoy yourself

My thoughts exactly Nonny, off to the bush and get the job done.That way it doesn't interfere with the football, I'm off to the fridge for another cold frothy one...

2:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can never understand how any man wanting to be a doctor would chose delivering babies as his speciality. I always think they are perverts and would not let them near me,

Yes Nonny, of couse all men are unfeeling bastards, who would lep on ya as soon as look at ya, your quite right to protect yourself, also...never let a man serve you in a shop, drive your bus or sell you sausages, they are all perverts Nonny and not to be trusted.

2:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I think in this day and age most men want to be with their loved ones when their child is being born. But it's surely down to the individual couple.
I'm pretty sure mot doctors who deliver babies aren't perverts, but I see where you're coming from, it's like why do men specialize in gynocentric medicine.

2:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

although frankly the doctor at my local who preforms cervical tests is twice as nice as the irritable lady doc who does the same. I know in whose hands I rather rest my bits.

2:18 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Nonny, sometimes I truly wonder about how your brain is wired...I can fully understand any doctor, male or female, wanting to be an obstetrician - it's the most wondrous, positive side of medicine - what could be better than helping a new life into the world. An awesome experience for all involved. Jesus, Nonny, go get some therapy.

2:20 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Right, let's get rid of the obstetricians, gynecologists, and proctologists too, ANYONE whose specialty is the 'naughty bits' while we're at it. They MUST be perverts. RIGHT?

Jesus, the problems people have with understanding that the birth canal goes BOTH ways...

2:27 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

I can also understand why male doctors would want to specialise in gynacology - the organs that can reproduce another human life must surely be the most interesting speciality of the human body.

2:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Aw I think I know what she means, some people get freaked out. I've a friend who won't even undress in front of a male doctor, it makes her extremely uncomfortable. The pervert line has got to be a joke though, right? Right?

On a different note, my eldest sister says when she was in labour a marching band could have popped on into the room and she wouldnt have given a shit. I'm guessing she wasn't going for the 'quite and pleasing' birth either.

2:29 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

'quiet', not fucking 'quite'. Seriously.

2:30 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Had a male midwife for one of mine. I should have complained to the authorities? Right, Nonny?

2:37 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

FMC, the pussy is for "teh sex" and nothing more.

My mother was put under sedation for all six of us at birth and my father was no where near the hospital. Happy marriage? I think not. I've been with Mr. M far longer than my parents were together.

3:00 p.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

the moment I saw my son being born will be with me the rest of my life, unlike my wife of course. I wouldn't/couldn't not have been there. It was never a question, what a pricky prick yer man is. Oh the Daily Mail makes me cry/swear/very angry....hideous paper written by hideous of the week awards person notwithstanding....

3:07 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I know, I'm going to pretend I don't get periods any more too. I don't want the paramour to think I'm fully human. As long as the 'godess' facade holds I'm pretty sure I can keep him from running away to Rome, sorry ROME.

Sedation you say? hmmm.

3:07 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

But Manuel, you CAN"T have gotten anything from it. You must be mistaken. You're male and as a male you must have been forced to attend. you know what gingham is?

3:09 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

FMC - I can fully relate to your sister's comment - your whole focus is targeted like a cruise missile - you wouldn't care if the whole Royal Philharmonic Orchestra was in the room - so long as they played the tune from 2001 - Space Odyssy when mission was accomplished! Cos you feel a bit like you've been shot into a whole new galaxy!

3:21 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

It's funny you should mention that, FMC, because there's a similar madness going on towards menses. I know plenty of women who are so shamed by it that they hide all evidence of it and refrain from any sexy time during their periods. It just shames them.
It's awful how much some women hate themselves.

3:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hah Shebah, damn straight. My sister's ONLY other concern-apart from the health of the baby of course, was how long was it going to take the anesthesiologist to get there and 'drip her up'. (Although there wasn't time on last one and she does reckons you do get over the actual birth a lot quicker if you can avoid the drugs).

3:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Mebdh, I would well believe that, periods are 'icky'. I mean look at the ads. Rollerblading in white hotpants, check, wearing tiny skirts, check, hiding tampons even though they're disguised as sweets, check, blue liquid, BINGO! Full fucking FLUSH. Opps did I say 'flush?" Too bathroomy, I mean full daisy chains.

3:30 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

The good doctor has this to say on the birth of his own son:

"As it happens, at the exact moment our son arrived in the world, the midwife was on her way down the street and I, having made my excuses realising he was about to be born, was fiddling with the thermostat on the central heating boiler downstairs.

My partner did not know it, but I had given her the exceptionally rare, but ideal situation in which to give birth: she felt secure, she knew the midwife was minutes away and I was downstairs, yet she had complete privacy and no one was watching her. "

Is this man for real? The "My partner did not know it" bit is the most revealing part of that sentence. She must have been astonished at that, in labour or not. Holy shit! He went to fiddle with the thermostat! One of the most terrifying, painful moments of his wife's life and he wanders off downstairs for a pootle!

I can only speak for myself but to have my husband there at the birth of our twins was an enormous help to me. We were both terrified becasue the girls were early and the outcome was by no means certain. There were 15 people in the room becasue there were 2 full preemie nurse teams waiting to scoop them up and take them away - I heard them cry but didn't get to see them but that was how it had to be. At 10 weeks early they needed medical intervention and fast and I truly don't believe I love them any the less for not being able to hold them after the birth, but I love my husband the more for having been there.

If the ProbHub had followed this man's advice, neither one of us their parents would have seen the girls for the first 12 hours of their lives. It was scary and we needed each other. I know there's not a place in the world he'd have imagined being at that moment despite my dishevelled, swollen unattractiveness. This was not his world at all - he's a man who likes measurements and straight lines and order and nothing this squelchy and organic had ever happened to him before, bar a snotty cold. He was terrified and there was a strong chance the wee-est one might have died before, during or after the birth but he stood and faced it with me like a man. I will love him always for that.

I get that all people are different but this man seems to advocate having no men at all in the birth-room, regardless of the circumstances.

3:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

"He was terrified and there was a strong chance the wee-est one might have died before, during or after the birth but he stood and faced it with me like a man. I will love him always for that."

Oh Sam, don't you see? You're not a Daily Mail reader. You make it sound like you and your husband are actual people. With real thoughts and fears and emotions. Tut tut. To the back of the class with you. Come back when you disapprove of a Geldof child, any of them will do.

3:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Sam - I bet ProbHub has never felt more alive than that moment. Visceral.

3:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

I can just imagine the look on his poor wife's face when he said "You don't know it right now, darling, but the best possible thing for you right now is for me to just get away from your ickiness and leave you to get on with it all by yourself. You'll be great, I'm sure" I bet he patted her on the head or something, with a thumbs up sign as he walked out of the door.

3:50 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

From the way this guy sounds she probably WAS relieved to see the back of him.

3:54 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

See, sweetie all the eeew faces I'd be making in disgust and horror at you would only put you off. I's only thinking of you, can't you see that? Dumb messy bitch.

4:48 p.m.  
Blogger John Mc said...

Beside the awesomeness of seeing your kids born, and I done see it 3 times and it was incredible, there is the fact that its a scary process, for many women. Having their partner their is a source of comfort, even if you are a bit useless otherwise. But most importantly a partner can represent their wifes or girlfriends wishes when they are in no state to do so. This Dr sounds like he doesn't like uppity couples who actually know what it is they want.

As to Nonny's point about Male obstetricians - we had a fantastic male doctor at one of our deliveiey, I fail to see why some one would spend 10 years in medical school and a vast amount of money to satisfy a perversion.

7:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No doubt he probably has a bit of a god complex. Some doctors seem to believe they can ride roughshod over the wishes of their patients, or simply forget what might be a commonplace event or situation to them is anything but for the person experiencing childbirth.
I sometimes think hospitals operate on a get 'em in get 'em out system-which I suppose they must really. So I completely understand people who want to deliver at home, maybe with a doula or have a water birth and forgo the whole harried sterile environment of a hospital. If it's possible of course and mother and baby are doing well.

8:20 p.m.  
Anonymous Max Drive said...

When all three of my darlin' lassies were born I was there to have my hand crushed and my maleness vilified. I would do it again in a heart beat. I believe that a man there at conception belongs there at birth and after.

Dr. Odent is a very lucky fellow that he was never my wife's Doctor. At the time, I was a 6' 7", 275 pound Police Officer and Paramedic who would have been more than happy to discuss his views with him at great length in the parking lot.

My girls have babes of their own now and my health has changed, but I will hold the hand of any woman in need and still take a discussion of my presence to the parking lot in an instant if need be.

Odent is a sad embarrassment to real men everywhere and needs a proper horse whipping.


8:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That was really touching Max, and you know something, you, like John and Problemchild's husband and indeed any other man who has ignored fools like Odent and been a true partner, are delightful.

Also, in place of horse whipping, might I suggest a solid blunderbussing? Less taxing on the arms.

8:45 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Still laughing at that Cain comment, fmc - fantastic!

John's point is is excellent. If there's ever a time a woman needs a voice to represent her wishes, it's childbirth. Her voice is too busy saying "Owwwww! Sweet Jesus! Owwwwww! to really debate the pros and cons of epesiotomy: knife or natural tear?

*Crosses legs*

8:52 p.m.  
Anonymous nonny said...

Calm yourself my little Kevin an Perry wannabee’s. I did not mean like that. It is a bit strange though, “so tell me your Johnny what did you put on your CAO forms?”,
“Medicine, I want to learn all about fanny’s, so as I can spend my career starring at them”. You don’t think it is a tad odd? No? And please spare me the gift of life bollockology, you are the most cynical group of people I have ever come across. You cannot peddle me any warm and fluffy notions at this stage of the game folks. I only had the misfortune to have to drop my trousers once for a doctor and as quick as the little Indian man shuffled in, I shuffled him right back out, in favour of a female colleague. No amount of pain would make me get nekkid for a male doctor, none.

As I said bring whoever you want, let Hulk Hogan deliver your baby, my point is simply, it is entirely up to the lady giving birth, until you boys can piss a football out your japs eye shut the fuck up and do what the lady in questions tells you to. The man that wrote the article is a wanker and …. I hope he dies. I hate men today.

8:58 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Agreed, although somehow I suspect if I was to go into labour tomorrow I would be making my decisions and views LOUD and CLEAR to ALL and SUNDRY, whether they were actually involved in my birthing process or not.

8:58 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You hatin' all men? Or anyone in particular?

8:59 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

One thing I do object to, all these metalers and their "I just want my mam with me" Now I don’t particularly mind my mother but she an Irish mother. I would cross borders to avoid this, I’d give birth in a rain forest nestled amongst a Pride of Lions and David Attenborough just to be sure she was nowhere near.

Not all them, I work with 17 men, I am the only girl, the won’t turn the heat up and one of them smells like snotts, I swear, I am not lying. I have watery eyes as I speak.

Oh and smile’r in the kitchen is also on thin ice, thin crumbly ice!

9:24 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

Hey cat, there's something going on with the link to your site over at mine. I tried clicking on your comment and it took me to some wierd page. Hang on...

9:29 p.m.  
Anonymous Sam, Problemchildbride said...

It's going to and a whole bunch of adserve things. I'll see if I can see what's going on with it.

9:34 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cheers darling. Sounds glitchy.

Nonny, you're having a rough day by the sound of it. You should go pour yourself a glass of wine and try to relax. Try leave the working day behind you for a few hours.

9:50 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

I will thank you most kindly pet.

9:55 p.m.  
Anonymous SeaDreams said...

Off topic regarding Sam's observation, that link leading to cookie jars was prominent during that heckle fest awhile back.

10:49 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

When the quacker pulled out the needle to give my sister-in-law an epidural, my brother took one look at it and promptly passed out. They had to give him her gas, and they couldn't give her the epidural for a couple of minutes cause she was giggling so much. She then proceeded to have a brutal birth, but in the photo the look of love she has in her eyes for her husband with her arms full of new baby would suggest that Odent is talking complete horseshit.

10:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Really SD? I'll have to look into that, thank you for the heads up,
LK, that's too funny. And poor man, I'm not great with needles either, but it's terrific that everything worked out well-if a little brutal. My sister always claims women are designed to forget the pain, that's why they have more than one baby in a lifetime.

Okay late here, good night.

11:33 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nonny......what fucking planet are you on??

11:35 p.m.  
Anonymous Nonny said...

The 7th planet from the Sun, Ur..anus

Night nighty folks!!

11:51 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Huzzah, last word to Nonners!

Oh, sorry....

10:15 a.m.  
Blogger galwaywegian said...

I thjought ROME was where you went for a CAESARean. Anyway you can't get nice tea and toast like the nurse does bring when you're in ROME.

10:20 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

When you're in Wome you do do as the, er, Womans do.

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Welease Woderick!

3:43 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

I've come to this a bit late, and I do agree that Michelle Odent is a bit of an odd Frenchy. But he's done enormous amounts for natural birth, he's far from an obstetrician to Tories. He knows a huge amount about women in labour and the emotional needs of newborns too. Please do check out his other writings, they're incredibly pro gentle birth and pro woman.

He may well have got it wrong on this one - I would always have wanted my husband there for the birth of his children - though I think a female companion at the same time would have been far moe of a support and comfort, to be honest.

But I think the tide is turning on the omnipresence of fathers at the birth - from talking to my midwife, it seems that some women are deciding they'd rather not have them there, or some men are deciding it's not for them - on husband she told me about had been there for their first birth and opted out of the second. It seems that people are going with what they feel rather than what they think is right. For me, both of those things would be the dad in the room, but apparently not for eveyone.

8:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yep, it's got to be right for the couple, something they will discuss as a couple and as future parents, what notion old Mike was twirling was ix nay on the fathers being there at all. Which is bogus claptrap.

9:09 p.m.  
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