Thursday, May 22, 2008

Imaginary Cancer.

'You should ring our mother.' Etheline said as she rubbed the top of the Marklar's head much to his annoyance. He was already out of sorts seeing as Etheline's Chihuahua, Poppy's Big Surprise/ Angel/ Toffee was busy hurtling through the house after any cat that was silly enough to stay floor level, i.e Puddy, who is content to play kiss chase with any small or large dog.
'Why?'
'She has cancer.'
I put my cup down very slowly.
'Actual cancer? Any specific type of cancer?'
'Nope, just the usual cancer.'
'Has she gone to a doctor?'
Etheline sorted a laugh. The Marklar flinched. In the hall Puddy allowed herself to be cornered and then proceeded to fling herself on Toffee, using her superior body weight to roll the startled Mexican über rat to the floor.
'For fuck's sake.'
'She made our brother drive her to a funeral last week and then refused to get out of the car. She sat there with the window rolled down telling anyone who would listen her foot was sore.'
I shook my head. 'Probably a symptom of the cancer. it's most likely a tumor pressing against her seek attention glands.
'Certainly a symptom of something.' Etheline withdrew her hand as the Marklar unsheathed his pretty impressive claws. 'You know she says if you just apologise you can put this row behind you.'
'Etheline, it will be a cold day in hell before I apologise to that woman.'
Etheline sighed. In the hall Toffee was discovering just how raspy a Puddy tongue can be.
'She's not actually going around telling people she has cancer is she?'
'She's voiced her suspicions to one or two people.'
I am impressed despite myself. The Lilac Couch has had imaginary cancer so many times now her brave imaginary survival from this terrible disease must surely be the stuff of imaginary science.
I finish my coffee and in the hallway Toffee submits to Puddy as all of us must eventually. Her love is boundless, unlike mine.

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22 Comments:

Blogger gimme a minute said...

Oooh, foot cancer. You know that's the absolute worst imaginary kind?

I can see her sitting in the car, willing the cells to multiply..

9:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Yeah, apparently when pressed as to what might have given her cause to suspect she was cancerily afflicted she replied with, 'I just know'.
How she's not working for St Lukes I'll never know, think of the time they could same in diagnosing patients. They could use her like those sniffer dogs. They could wheel in a cancer patient and get The Lilac Couch to give her a good sniff over, then she can 'just know' and show them by pointing to the afflicted spot. Naturally they can reward her good work with jelly babies.

9:45 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Ah, a malignant bunion brought on by her stiletto-heeled youth?

A carcinomic corn, mayhap?

A goutoplasmic big toe, brought on by years of fine dining?

11:57 a.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Those seek attention glands are especially susceptible to cancer, you know. Still, it's better than a malignancy on the burning martyr gland - though I suspect they often go hand in hand, and it'll seen metastasize in that direction. If it hasn't already.

12:24 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

It's inspiring to hear how she's coping with her justknowingaemia with such dignity and forbearance. Let us hope the struggles with her feet don't cause her to fall flat on her face in oncoming traffic, although - and may the Lord forgive me for forgive me for thinking this way - her suffering might be relieved a little.

God bless her.

1:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I"m sending positive distance healing her way right this second.

Conan I cannae access yer site. It says I gots to be invited.

1:25 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Me neevah, Conan.

1:28 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

'She made our brother drive her to a funeral last week and then refused to get out of the car. She sat there with the window rolled down telling anyone who would listen her foot was sore.'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Your mum is a comedian :)

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

No doubt your neglect inflamed the dormant cancer, FMC.
It's all your fault for not grovelling before and placating the Lilac Couch.
She knows it.

3:10 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

I had that once... a nice cup of tea cured it tho.

4:49 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

Are you going to be there for support when she has to go for imaginary chemo? Maybe you should buy her an imaginary wig.

12:45 a.m.  
Anonymous SeaDreams said...

Yep.
There is a special place in heaven for those who enjoy, and capitalize upon, The Worst OF Health.

Especially when it's imaginary, or all about, " Nobody's paying attention to me".

That seeking attention gland must be sort of a Sentinel Node.

5:23 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

She's a miracle of modern science for sure. Despite her cells conspiring against her in the most horrid and imaginary way, she is robustly healthy.

9:28 a.m.  
Blogger johnifer said...

Hey! I have imaginary cancer all the time (usually skin, sometimes cervical) but I just don't tell anyone about it....

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't understand. What's use in having imaginary cancer if you're not complaining about it to all and sundry?

11:47 a.m.  
Blogger Glinda the good witch said...

My mammy has been prognosticating her own death for 30 odd years - "I won't be around much longer..." I was never sure if it was a suicide threat or some intimation that her heartburn was actually oesophageal cancer. Only time will tell.

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Glinda, they are truly masters at laying the guilt are they not. My mother won't even use the word 'cancer' she refers to it only as 'the big C'. As in,
'I know I've got the big C.'
'How? Did you go to a doctor?'
'No, I won't be going to no doctors.'
'Then how do you-'
'I just know.'

3:06 p.m.  
Anonymous Sniffle&Cry said...

I sorta like her, and I love your name for her. Is it what we do as we get older and the mortality thing hits and the body starts to buckle? This mother - daughter love hate thing, very intense and complex. I am involved with a mother and daughter, and already it’s Mars and Venus. Explosive and hateful one minute and in a flash, laughing and light.
Whatever works I suppose. Really liked this, ta.

3:28 p.m.  
Blogger Mairéad said...

Some people reading this post will say you're a right wagon, FMC.
I don't.
If she sucks the living life out of you, just let her off. Pretending to like her out of duty is just bullshit. SHE has a duty too, and the poor me show isn't part of the contract.
My own mother was one of the greats, but I've seen a venomous, evil, suffocating, demanding oul' bitch at close range, and it's just not worth living in her presence.
Some people say - what if she dies, though? Won't you feel guilty then? Why would I? I will feel relief! The world can survive fine without her!
Good luck with your wan!

8:43 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I have her measure Mairéad. I don't give a fiddler's curse what anyone else thinks, that woman is no good for me. But I appreciate when someone has 'one of the greats' and a bit of envy goes on top

Sniffle, you're welcome. And good luck with your battle.

9:39 p.m.  
Blogger johnifer said...

fatmammycat said...

I don't understand. What's use in having imaginary cancer if you're not complaining about it to all and sundry?

Mine is the boring old scaring yourself kind and not the glamourous attention seeking kind.

3:20 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ah! That makes prefect sense. You're sane you see.

11:45 a.m.  

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