Friday, November 21, 2008

My mother's an idiot and a Hoffy Ginger day to you all.



Though it is only 21 days into November, houses, shops and entire streets are lit up like a Christmas tree. Exhausting I think, and doesn't it rather kill the anticipation of the holidays?
Anyhoo, what is NOT exhausting is discovering that my mother, the Lilac Couch, the biological incubator, Medusa, Gorgon, wearer of 3/4 length pants, has raised her warfare game.
Allioop!
My oldest friend on the planet is getting hitched in the year that follows. Her mammy and the Lilac Couch have been friend for nigh on forty years. Naturally she has been invited to the ceremony, an invitation she has declined as 'that one' (me) will be there. She then went on to make some rather spectacular slurs against my friend all culminating with a ' she's lost the run of herself that one' ( not me, friend).
Now upon hearing this I guffawed. I will be there indeed, wearing a bridesmaid dress no less and trying hard not to cry. My friend's wedding means a very great deal to me and I wouldn't miss it for all the world. Not for all the rum in Jamaica.
'What does she think I'm going to do anyway?" I asked my friend, after I had apologised for my mother's terrible cuntiness. 'Rugby tackle her on sight?'
'I don't know what she thinks,' my friend said, 'but she can go to hell now, this wedding isn't about her.'
Quite.
'And I'll be telling her that and a few other things when I run into her, the bloody cheek of her.'
Oh it's on! Whatever about crossing me, that's one thing, crossing my friend? I wouldn't do that for all the rum in Jamaica neither. If you can imagine a small perfectly fiery bomb in heels that would be a fitting description.
Parents eh? Will they never learn? Snarf and Eeep.

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10 Comments:

Anonymous sheepworrier said...

"If it's not one thing, it's yer mother"
Can't remember who said that, but ne'er a truer word was spoken.

11:49 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

It's ALL YOUR fault. Never was a lilac-limbed mother so demented by the fruit of her womb. How very DARE you come between HER and HER very-dear-friend's doxy daughter's wedding. Sniff.

11:56 a.m.  
Anonymous Beady said...

But then again, consider...

http://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm

12:13 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh I'm hanging my head in shame, SHAME I tell ya.

1:34 p.m.  
Blogger morgor said...

I've actually never had an argument with my parents, strangely enough.

In fact the only person I really argue with is my gf, and even then only rarely.

2:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's a nice way to be Morgor. I never row with the paramour either, we use sarcasm if we're ticked about something. Believe it or not I'm pretty mild mannered myself and almost never row with anyone either. Unfortunately when I do have a blow out they're usually of the epic kind.
My mother on the other hand would fight with a damp dishcloth and I've no time at all for her shenanigans.

2:15 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Ooooo...you don't LOVE it when people use the special events of others to play the passive/aggressive card? It's SO endearing!

She's a piece of work, this lilac couch thingy.

3:00 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

She's a creation all of her own making, that one. (See what I did there Ma?)

3:04 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

You're young, beautiful and happy.
Your mother is consumed with envy and bitterness.
Don't let her fuck with your head, FMC.
Rise above her.

3:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm not overly worried darling, she's made a egregious error pissing off minibomb though.
Now, kick boxing, I must attend. And THEN I must drink some wine, I'm bored of my healthy lifestyle, I'll roll back on to the wagon come Monday- although I will stay faithful to the wheatlessness for another two weeks.

3:45 p.m.  

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