Thursday, January 01, 2009

New year, same old bollocks, but with rhymes.

Resolutions are coming, another bright year
of running and fighting and playing by ear,
of eating no wheat and avoiding all jellies
lest purple attracts me, ugh, that is velly-
disturbing.
Another few months of curling my lip
at psychic woo merchants who give me the pip.
'Don't be so negative!' They'll wail with great blather.
'Fuck off woo merchants, your head on a platter-
is what I want.'
And to that end, mumbos, I promise you this
I will not shirk from taking the piss
of gobshites and loonies and people most horrid
reiki healers and psychics and stigmata clad horrors
I'll load up my blunderbuss, gleeful and gay,
and aim where I want to, fuck you namaste.
Lipotrim and fad diets are also on there,
starving and fainting and losing your hair
paying a fortune to not eat some food
you bloody great eegits, oops, sorry, so rude,
Of reading the Wail, disgusted, but daily,
then cursing and snarling exhaling, inhaling.
'Gadzooks' I will cry, 'Confound it!' I'll holler!
'This rag is the shits, so why do I bother-
to read it.
But read it I will, and unclean I will wallow
in anti woman bias and rhetoric most hollow,
I'll furrow my brow and tighten my belt,
and threaten to go on an almighty vent-
about stuff.
But clearly my rage is mostly quite tame
I putter and fume but behind a fake name,
fear not gentle reader, my fangs are my own,
My ire is relentless much like my phone,
the annoying blasted thing.
And while I'm at it I'll peer at myself
with those honest goggles I keep on my shelf
I'll demand I do better and try to stay focused
about working and running and, well
all the usual bollocks.
I'll worship the ginger and squee over puppies
and play 'see the cat jump'- but never with Puddy,
She's too old.
I'll visit museums and stack up on culture,
hoovering up info like a bloody great vulture,
the flappy fuckers.
I'll learn French and Italian and practice them daily
'Bonjour! Ca va? Ciao Bello Von Tutti Frutti!'
I'll mix it with Spanish and end up quite loopy.
('Donde es la tienda de los Zapatos?' )
pfft.
I'll stay off the hooch for these first eight weeks
my liver ( Melvin) will thank me, the bloody great geek,
No rum nor beer or yummy red wine,
no Baileys nor cocktails, sweet Jebus...
I'm fine.
You can join me if you like.
Plink.
So I guess what I'm saying Is really quite clear,
It's all systems go and happy sodding new year.



(I am throughly ashamed. Next I'll be playing a sax solo or some frightful shit. In my defense I am quite hungover)

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25 Comments:

Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

I can never write any poetry better than Piet Hein, so here is my Grook for the day from Hein:

Our choicest plans
have fallen through,
our airiest castles
tumbled over,
because of lines
we neatly drew
and later neatly
stumbled over.

Happy New Year FMC.

12:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And to you Good Docky, and to you.

12:58 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Did you see the story about Michael Flatley saying the woo healed him? Fucking joke.

I vow to gain 20 pounds, smoke two packs a day, start eating meat, drink like a fish and stop exercising entirely.
Kidding!

Happy New Year, FMC.

7:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You can be sure there's money behind that particular claim Medbh, Old Dead Eyes is peddling something.
Happy New year to you and Mister M.

9:01 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Nice call.
I wasn't being cynical enough, FMC. You're right, he's probably linked up with the dude to market the woo du jour to the desperate.

12:03 a.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

shit, thought Medbh was on to something there......

hae a swell one mammy cat!

12:24 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You can be sure of it. Whenever the woo is strong the lucre is waiting.
Hey ho Manuel! Many happy returns.

10:36 a.m.  
Blogger PI said...

Best resolutions I've read in yonks.
'I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.'
Tread safely FMC and have a good year.

2:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You too Pat, may 09 be kind to you.

2:13 p.m.  
Blogger PI said...

P.S.Medbh: soak your meat in beer - it kills the carcinogens.

2:14 p.m.  
Blogger C'est La Craic said...

You're like a pissed off Dr Seuss after one to many. Wish I could do that...
Happy New Year

3:19 p.m.  
OpenID grimsaburger said...

Thought I'd get away without making resolutions, but then I saw THIS
If it "LOOKS HOT ON ALL GUYS" then I resolve to get Spouse into one by the end of the year.

Oh, Lord, where is the brain scrubber...

3:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Cheers C'est, you too of course. My hatred of poetry is pretty well known, but somehow it dribbled out thusly. Day two of no alcohol, I believe I'm starting to crack.

Grims, pregnancy hormones are a POWERFUL thing it seems.

3:31 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I resolve
not to dissolve...

I never was any good at poetry.

Hope 2009 is good to you FMC :)

4:48 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And to you Kim, may our bellies stay raised as well as our asses.

6:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I should probably just clarify that last comment by saying I am just back from the gym- the first visit of the year and by golly the most painful. Quelle creak.

6:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Penelope_CA said...

Happy New Year and keep up the good work FMC. Although I lurk more than I post your blog is daily reading, often thought provoking and always good for a laugh and is one of life's wee pleasures. Cheers!!!

6:26 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Manny happy returns to you Penelope!

7:28 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

What have you done with her? Put her back this instant! Poemetry indeed!

Next thing you'll be saying rhyki cleaned the hooch smears right off your aura.

Pshaw!

11:22 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hah, you can join me on my alcohol free quest if you like. It's only for a few weeks.

12:17 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

A poem! A bloody poem right here on fmc! My God, what does this mean? It's Obama. I know it is. It's either Obama or rum.

Nice one, fmc!

11:35 p.m.  
Blogger aiyipianni said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:36 a.m.  
Blogger aiyipianni said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:36 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I"m SORRY!! I was hungover Dahalink, in pain you see.

10:33 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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2:41 p.m.  

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