Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Disgusting things on a pefectly mild Wednesday.

Morning Pork Chops. I slept it in and have yet to peruse the papers. Frankly I'm not sure I want to read the papers today, I'm sure they will be filled with annoyances and irritations and sad things and since my day has started with maximum snorage I really don't want to feck it up. Ignorance is bliss and all that.
Plus I have my own worries.
Last night tragedy befell me. Tragedy that was LAUGHED at. I'm perplexed by it all.
I ran a marathon last October, same as the year before. And same as the year before I bruised my second toe-even though I very carefully clipped my nails short as hell the night before.
Last night I had a shower and was about to get into bed when I noticed second toe, or Ted* as I now call him, looked funny. Upon investigation I was horrified to discover my toe nail lifts up like the door of a DeLorean!
Bleeeugh! Four months? I thought I had gotten away with it, but NO! Four bloody months later it decides to squick me out.
I panicked, and in gibbering horror grabbed a plaster and wound it tightly around Ted, I know it's not going to magically fix it, but at least I can't see it. Although I know it's there, being disgusting and lifty.
'Boo hoo.' I said, flappingly.
The paramour laughed and said REALLY useful things like,'Honey it's just a nail, why are you getting so upset over it, ha ha ha.'
To which I could only reply, 'Stop laughing at me. I have a trauma.'
And this for some readon struck him as very funny, and he tittered some more, leading me to plot how best to have my revenge. So far I have come up with pushing him down a flight of stairs. Yes, that's how I roll in my head.
I have a thing about this sort of thing, double things. Teeth and nails, I don't like them. Well I don't mind them, but only as long as they work perfectly and I don't have to think about them. Now I have to think about this. How will I shower in the gym? I can feel it moving. It knows I'm thinking about it. It's going to have to come off isn't it? But how? Will I have to pull it? I'll squeee myself to death if I do. And then waht? What lies beneath? Oh yack, YACK! This is right up there with things I never want to think about EVER.
Stupid bits hanging off that should be not hanging off, I am against them.

* swings both ways.



Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Indubitably there is a newborn 'Ted' being birthed beneath old 'Ted'. Indubitably, I say, unless it's leprosy.

Take thee and thy 'Teds' to Dundrum Hole In The Ground Town Centre. Go and sit among the ladeez at the Butlers Chocolate Cafe. Unshod the affected footage. Hoist your hoof onto the table and remove the demised 'Ted' from the traumatised toe. Sigh. Wiggle a little. Move on.

11:01 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Heh, I can only IMAGINE the faces. I didn't notice a newborn Ted last night such was my haste to wrap Ted tightly to my toe. I am VERY worried there won't be one. Also Ted, from what I did notice appears to be attached to one side, like the car door I mentioned.
Even typing this is making my skin go funny.

11:10 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Oh go on.... have another peep... you know you want to. Just lift it a little, you'll see a brand new wrinkly little 'Ted' emerging from the quick. Just a little peek...

11:23 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Ick, no. It will have to wait until I need to get dressed. Stupid having to get dressed.

11:24 a.m.  
Anonymous morgor the leery said...

rut roo, the cat has no pants on!

Nail things freak me out a bit too.

I remember a mate of mine had a little cartoon gif of someone hammering a nail through a fingernail.


11:44 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Urgh. Yack Morgor. I remember catching my thumb nail in a door way once and half rippng it off. I stood looking at it for a moment then I fainted. Out cold.

12:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Babs said...

Ooh this happened me a while back, it lifted from one side but was attached from the other, I went into total denial and just painted my toenails and hoped for the best, one day it fell off in my sock and there was a whole new nail there, I was amazed, renewal, regeneration. It's fine now. I would highly recommend this denial way out of things.

12:18 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I like your style Babs. I shall ignore my terror fortwith!

12:19 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Let Puddy lick it off, or the Paramour.

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You're trying to make me ill, I can tell.
have you seen the shenannigans over at Twenty's blog? That reviewer chap? Unbelievable carry on.

12:58 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Jack Bauer could help you out with the nail removal there, FMC.

Do you think thats the real fella over at Twenty's?

2:45 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I need to do something Sheepie, I must go to the gym soon and I'm still in jammies and enormous slipper booty things.
Dunno, judging from the IP and expressions and utter ridiculousness, I believe it could very well be him. Even if it isn't- as the person claims- I am genuinely shocked that anyone from the newspaper would stoop to that level.

2:55 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Grab some tweezers and pull it off quickly so that you can get a replacement growing.

4:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I can't, I just can't. I'm going to the gym now, but I swear I can feel it moving.

4:15 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Hope the nail has wiggled free at last.

Belatedly joined the fray over at Twenty's!

8:56 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It came off in the shower, leading to all manner of consternation.
Yes, that other thing is most odd. Very poor.

9:50 p.m.  
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