Buying New Jeans.

Hahahaha, oh bleaugh. Whale ahoy! These are really awful and a big cheery cheers to Jezebel for making me laugh out loud on this sodden morning. And double bleaugh to the belly ring.
These vile jeans notwithstanding, buying jeans in ireland is turning into an increasingly difficult affair. I started last Satdee and I have yet to lay my paws on a pair. I went al over Dundrum shopping centre the other day and nowt, I did manage to snap up a pretty nice winter coat and a super nice pencil skirt, but not jeans.
Why? Because they're vile. The cuts are vile, the styles are vile. I'm 34, I don't want jeans that barely cover my bottom crack, I want jeans to at least come over my hips. I don't like 'spangly' things on my pockets, I don't want any more skinny jeans, I don't want distressed, I can do that myself in the space of a year or two. I don't want stiff denim, I don't want grey, I don't want coloured denim, I don't want the pockets to be under my bottom ( that's a really big thing over here right now for some reason, how the hell am I supposed to carry my George Costanza sized wallet about in that?) I don't want loose cut, I don't want flares, I don't want jeans that trail on the ground behind me, I don't want high waisted MOM jeans, I don't want jeans that are roomy, I don't want jeans that are that bit too short, I want them to be on my boots, on them with about half and inch of cover. I really don't want jeans without belt loops and I hate hate hate, I"m using the word Hate here Melvin, jeans with no pockets on the back at all!
I just want a pair of jeans that are boot cut, denim coloured, slim in the legs, COVER my hips and the crack of my bottom, and have pockets where pockets are supposed to go and are the exact right length. Now why should that be so hard?
Levi 529's where the hell are ya?