Tuesday, March 14, 2006

one of those mornings...

got up, go to bathroom, fall down toilet because paramour left seat up. Lindy will know what I'm talking about.
Get into shower wash hair, condition it, reach for towel, huh? It is not where it should be. Step out of shower, one leg slids across tiles because bath mat is over under sink and not where it should be either, left leg remains in bath, manage not to fall by pulling down entire curtain rail.
Find towel, on the bidet!!!!Wrap self in bathrobe, put on stolen hotel slippers, pad off to kitchen, make coffee, turn to fetch milk from fridge, step in cat sick, third one this week.
Throw slippers in bin. Get kitchen towels, clean up cat sick, get milk, watch as it plops rather solididly into coffee. Swear long and hard. Remake coffee and wander in to sitting room, think perhaps Footeater was correct about sky cracks. Turn on television, discover Mark Cagney on TV3 (whispered) is wearing bright pink stripped shirt, re swallow vomit. Turn television off.
Notice paramour has left bowl from his cereal on coffee table. Feel very cross about that. Notice weather is crap. Feel even crankier.
Turn on computer, stare grumpily at screen. Long work days stretches ahead of me. Want to go back to bed, suspect cats are there and we don't want to see them right now do we?
Plug iPod into computer to charge up for the gym later. Hum, computer is not recognising it. Check iTunes, nope not there. Swear some more. Try to turn iPod on, Apple sign comes up, but no listings. waste twenty minutes twiddling with it to no avail. Email techhead chap I know. Tell him what is happening. Get email back saying he will come over and have a look at it later, but that it sounds 'dead.'
Have a little snuffle about this, realise I love iPod more than mashed potato.
Wipe tears and try to get a grip on self. Fail. Have all out bawl.
Feel better, go to kitchen and make toast.
I am not a morning person.


Blogger SheBah said...

FMC I am so with you on mornings - people shouldn't be allowed to speak until after 10 a.m. Mornings suck - except on holiday, when you are jet lagged and wake up at 5.30 a.m. a walk along a nice foreign beach with only pelicans for company is nice.

12:29 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

the Powers That Be have so obviously provided this message: it is time for a nano.

that's how i'd read it, anyway.

12:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Amen SB, amen.
Finn, oddly enough I was beginning to think the very same thing...

12:53 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

Oh babe, I'm sorry. I've been up all night sick, and yet... I wouldn't trade you mornings! I hope things go better... and if not, trip a busy, oblivious (preferably talking away on mobile) businessman on your way to work -- instant funny!

3:21 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thank you angel, I am slightly better now, no gym alas, but a lot of work done. I think I am actually a little daunted by the amount of work I am going to have to do this week, it really scares the daylights out of me.

4:18 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

What is it about women and toilet seats? Doesn't anyone look before they sit on something?

5:07 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

It looks as if you have no place to go in the morning, FMC. Even if you work at home you should try chasing a squirrel in the garden first. That kind of thing get the circulation going.

6:31 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

As a morning person, even I agree that there is NO NEED FOR AUDIBLE SPEECH before 10am. I wish people on my bus would remember that when their cell phones ring as I'm trying to read...

I can tell it's been a long time since Kim's lived alone. You get used to NOT looking when you're usually the only person using the bog.

7:37 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Kim, you're right. But I'm just used to not looking. But I will in future. Now explain the towel in the bidet for me?
GB, would chasing a cat with a slipper work as well?'
Andraste- indeed, but what the hell are you doing webbing it and why are you not drunk and singing Pogue numbers?

8:06 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

I'd like to endorse Kim's comment, and to point out in a knowing, ironic way that the great Archie Bunker used to have a similar response to the question of how someone should get into bed. Should one, as Archie's son-in-law Meathead asserted, wriggle tubularly under the one open edge of the blanket in order to minimise rumpling of the linen and avoid uprooting the sides and foot from their tucked-in moorings, thereby cutting down on bed-making time in the morning? Or should one take the Archie approach? "You look at the bed. You PULL the covers off. You lie under them."

Sorry, I know this has a bit of a 'you had to be there' element; but as I said, I'm being ironic.

9:09 p.m.  
Blogger ciaran.. said...

What's a paramour?

Who's Lindy?

Since when did you have your own blog?

Why wasn't I invited?

I now know what a paramour is. since when did you have one?

11:59 p.m.  
Blogger Kim Ayres said...

I can't explain the bidet thing as I've never lived in a house with one and would be unsure how to operate it if ever faced with the option.

However, it is true that it is many a year since I lived on my own. In this house you don't sit on anything without looking first.

You only have to drop yourself with full force onto a sofa containing a plastic action toy with the rifle sticking upwards once in your life to learn that valuable lesson.

8:24 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

Bidets are quite simple. You sit on them like a toilet then wash the poo the paper doesn't get off your arse with a jet of water.

It is always a good idea to check the temperature of the water. Too cold can be somewhat refreshing but too hot and you have got yourself some problems.

A scalded ringpiece is not a good idea.

8:35 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hi ciaran, will we be trotting out the capital or just the lower case c? Lindy is http://slimlindyk.blogspot.com/
Pretty intelligent sort of lady. Likes books, languages and men with big willies.

10:58 a.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

You could have given ciaran a smidgeon of hope, FMC.

11:12 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Indeed I could.

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And Kim, ouch to the couch.

12:29 p.m.  
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