Friday, March 10, 2006

Stop that!

As everyone who has even a passing fleeting impression of me knows, I am a poor typist and even poorer speller. I suppose I could do something about this but my natural inclination is towards laziness.
My spoken command of English on the other hand is dandy. I can be as prolix and tediously discursive and the next jackass when I see fit. But mostly I say what I mean and I try to say it as clearly as possible.
I had a meeting this morning in a fancy pants hotel with the...well I don't know what to call her, so I"m going to call her 'skanky bitch from hell with too much make-up and 'orrible , nasty jingling bangles in a too sort skirt with even more 'orrible knobbly knees'.
Hummm, too much of a mouthful, so wench will have to do.
Anyhoo, the wench was talking and telling me her...er, captive party, what her 'ambitions for the project were.'
I sat with a pen in my hand waiting for her to actually make a point, any salient point at all. I waited and I watched her bony wrists wave back and forth like pampas grass in a strong breeze. I leaned back in my seat and as my eyes were beginning to glaze over I heard this..'of course with the last person there was a disconnect, so we...'
I shot bolt upright, startling her,and indeed myself in the process. She had poked the tiger with a pointy stick.
I don't have a lot of pet hates: my mother, ill fitting shoes, cat sick, the harpy down stairs, bad manners- all right I do. But a teeth clencher for me is when people turn perfectly good nouns into verbs. It actually makes my blood bubble and boil.
'You what?' I said, 'What is a disconnect?'
She frowned and blinked, 'I...what do you mean?'
'I mean what is a disconnect?'
'Well, it's you know, when there has been a break down of ideas and-'
'OHHHHH,' I said in a dramatic and no doubt irritating fashion. 'A disconnection! Well, why didn't you say so?'
Again with the frowning. I smiled innocently.
She carried on-a touch more warily and I jotted notes down here and there, and then she said...''What we really need to do is think outside the box on this one, because if we...'
I sighed, she twitched. But then-stout heart- she carried on with considerably more arm waving. Three minutes later she sprang this...'Let's progress this and chart out how to...' on me.
Progress this?
I gave her the eye, she ignored me with blithe indifference.
At that point both of my eyebrows were packing a suitcase and threatening to leave. I was waiting for liberal uses of Ockhams razor or paradigm shift to float to the surface like the crap filled words they are, when somehow she came to a stuttering juddering halt.
'Well?' said she, eyeing me cautiously. 'What do you think of the game plan?'
'I think it is magnificent.' I said.
She beamed at me. I beamed at her.
We ordered more coffee.
When all is said and done, I may grumble and snap like any cur, but I will not bite the hand that feeds me.
I am not that stupid.

26 Comments:

Blogger Twenty Major said...

I'm liking your style, FMC.

12:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Don't you have beer to drink?

12:18 p.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

I consistently bite the hand that is feeding me... it seems to make them feed me more in an attempt to keep me at bay.

Seriously, I had a huge compliment the other day at work when (after another one of my acerbic 'replies' to a mass e-mail) one member of staff turned to another who happens to be a drinking buddy and remarked, "You know, it's always entertaining with Binty here, isn't it".

Except they used my real name. Obviously.

1:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Obviously. And they are corrrect, it is better with you around.
Only one more hour to go til I am free from the oppression of my desk. Then it is off to the gym, work out, shower, dry hair and straight to the pub. Come on time!!!Tickity tock a bit faster if you please.

2:03 p.m.  
Blogger Paul said...

Ha, I hate this shit too, we had an interesting post on it a while back FMC:

http://www.infactah.com/2005/11/ill-socialise-you.html

The comments are there and quite a good read, even though the link to comments says (0) which is a Haloscan bug.

3:53 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Very wise. "Don't bite the hand that feeds you until you've eaten all the nuts" is the full proverb. I believe it was composed by a monkey and stolen by a human.

5:42 p.m.  
Blogger Desargues said...

Give'er hell, tigress! Being a skanky jingly bitch is awful enough, but being a skanky jingly bitch with poor language skills is no way to go through life.

9:48 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'll check it out Paul. That sort of thing can give me the vapours.
My god, if I actually left my typing alone today and didn't correct it, Arlington would have nothing on me. It is almost indecipherable.

10:20 a.m.  
Blogger west coaster said...

You should have stabbed her with a nail file for such heinous crimes against the English language. By the way, is "I can be as prolix and tediously discursive ..." not eensiest wee bit tautological?

10:48 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I did end it with 'like the next jackass.'

9:57 a.m.  
Blogger plurabella said...

that nasty vile horrible american habit of making verbs out of nouns.
And you are patient, I'd be asking, can we just go back a bit, what box?

9:53 p.m.  
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But then-stout heart- she carried on with considerably more arm waving.

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My spoken command of English on the other hand is dandy. I can be as prolix and tediously discursive and the next jackass when I see fit.

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Then it is off to the gym, work out, shower, dry hair and straight to the pub.

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