Monday, March 13, 2006

There may be trouble...

ahead. Oh tra la la and top of the morning to you all. My old mucker Twenty Major scooped three prizes on Saturday including best blog, oh if we thought he was insufferable before...Nevertheless, congrats to his hairy crusty balls.
Now, on to the trouble.
My brother, younger and odd as two left feet, is coming home next month from a two year stint in Australia where he has been driving huge machinery across vast tracts of land, drinking like a navvy and taking great care where he pees after a huge spider reared up at him one day and -he says- chased him back to the cab of his combine.
I'm delighted that he is coming home, Etheline is delighted he is coming home. My mother called, savage and hysterical, about his coming home.
This is very strange as he is the golden apple of her eye, the chosen one, her son. Naturally I was curious.
'What's wrong with you? I thought you'd be delighted.'
'He is married, the stupid idiot! Married!'
I listened in stunned silence as my mother ranted and raved about my brother who has informed her he won't be staying with her as he... and... his...new wife!- who none of us knew about!!!!!!! will be looking for their own place.
'What wife?' I said as soon as I could get a word in edgeways. I could here the phone beeping as my mother raged, and knew Etheline was trying to get through.
'But who is she? When did he get married?"
'I don't know, I don't know...nobody tells me anything in this family.'
'Well..' I said. But I was at a loss for words. My brother is a grown man and naturally can do as he pleases, but it was a little odd and why the secrecy?
'I wondered why he never said anything?'
I could hear my mother draw a huge deep breath and mumble something...I thought I heard the word foreign.
'What? What did you say?'
'SHE IS COLUMBIAN.' My mother howled. 'I think, I think...he said she was black.'
'So what? 2006 Ma.'
'Ooohhhh, I knew it, I knew you'd be like this! You're revelling in this aren't you? Probably egged him on, it would be just like you to think this sort of thing was...you..., he always listened to you.'
'Wait, how is it my fault your son got married behind your back to a Columbian?'
'See, see.' My mother screamed and hung up on me.
I laughed until I almost puked, then I rang Country Gay to tell him. He needs cheering up and he knows my mother a long time.
My mother is a typical Irish country woman-not racist per se, but fairly ignorant of other cultures- for her my brother might as well have married a camel. That and I know she really wanted him to marry some local girl, live locally, and have a brood of local Irish grandkiddies she can brag about to her vicious croonies.
They -my brother and his new 'Foreign' bride are back next month.
I can't wait.

16 Comments:

Blogger the anti-barney said...

Interesting times ahead,pet,and its all your blempt.

12:00 p.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I met Mrs Maroon in Namibia.






















I said: "What the fuck are you doing here?"

12:33 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

So it would appear Barney old chap, so it would appear. Nothing new there.
Doc, remind me of a joke. Old timers talking, one says 'the secret of our thirty year marriage is twice a week we eat out at our favourite restaurant. She goes Thursday, I go Monday.

12:37 p.m.  
Blogger Foot Eater said...

If you need a dealer to get rid of some of that nose candy that's soon going to be coming in, FMC, I'm your man.

1:59 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thanks Footie, always glad you have my back.
Heh, my sister just emailed me, I think my mother might be losing whats left of her reason. My aunt Dolly is at the house right now trying to console her. This is very funny to me as Dolly and my mother are unspoken rivals. I can only imagine Dolly's glee at the news. Much as my mother's faux understanding/concern when Dolly's youngest got knocked up three years ago while she was in first year of college.
I'd say the phones are hopping.
I'm going to the gym, this has put me in a very very good mood.

2:37 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

Marrying a camel would be going too far. Gorillas are pretty conservative and generally keep it in the same species. Did you hear the recent true story of a man who was forced to marry a goat he made love to? That might be a good one to forward to your Mum, FMC. Teach her to count her blessings..

8:30 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thanks GB, I might just do that. Honestly the carry on of her today. I understand she's upset, but she's acting like...well she's acting like my mother. She is the most narcissistic persom I've ever known. Everything is always about her. Now it's 'how could he do this to me?' and 'oh what will people think -about me?'
No wonder my brother kept it quiet, he didn't want to be dealing with this bull shit. She called earlier on, apparently she is having 'heart palpitations.'
'You need to came down.' I said, rather evenly.
'How can I calm down when my only son has done this to me. How can I ever hold my head up again?'
I said ,'for christ's sake, he's married, not an axe murderer.'
Reply- 'You're delighted this has happened to me, aren't you, delighted. You don't give a damn what happens to me.'
''Yes I am!" I finally snapped. 'I'm fucking thriled to have people ringing me all day long and complaining about my brother, I am over joyed to suffer through yet another over blown fucking drama in this stupid family, why Ma, can't you hear the sheer joy in my voice?'
She hung up on me again after that one.
Meh, she'll call back when the Xanex kicks in. I expect weeping next, That's usually how it goes.

9:11 p.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

Reminds me of my bigotted grandads response when meeting my last girlfriend... "Have you just been somewhere hot or is that just rust?"

What a wanker....

12:34 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Oh my God Binty. I tip my hat to you. You win. No doubt he thought he was being very funny.

8:58 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

It gets worse... so worse, in fact, I genuinely cannot repeat it. But suffice to say being a 'darkie' was not enough. The fact that she was also Irish on her mother's side, and Catholic at that....

In fact, when you look at my grandad it's a wonder i turned out as open-minded as I did.

11:07 a.m.  
Blogger plurabella said...

Ah yes, brings back memories of that telephone conversation with my Mammy; the one where one week before I come back with himself, I finally let on to herself that "he" is Chinese. Terrible silence follows at her end. I thought she'd put the phone down. Then this voice said plaintively. "Is he a Catholic?" He was, he still is, and that was his saving grace.

9:46 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

God Plurabella, my mother thinks her spaniel is catholic. She brings him to a faith healer every time it gets even the slighest twinge. Personally I think a vet might be better, but lo, the wisdom of mammies.

11:01 a.m.  
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