Friday, April 07, 2006

Tough shit!

The phone, the phone. I picked the clock up and squinted at it.
8:20? What the f-
Wearily I stumbled to the sitting room and picked up the receiver.
'Snifff...sofa...carpet...hand made rug from Marrakeesh...chewed straight through capble of lamp...on sheepskin rung...stinking...sniff'
'She's destroying my home!'
'The dog?' I try not to laugh out loud, of course it is the dog, all four inches of shivering eyes.Poppy's Big Surprise-shortened to Angel, clearly had a few surprises of her own up her designer doggy sleeve.
'She's not a dog, she's a...she's a...shit machine! I got up this morning and found four piles in the kitchen and she managed to get out under the screen I put up and -'
Anyway, you get the picture it went on in this vein for quite some time.
I let Etheline rabbit on because while I don't know why she would expect a ten week old pup to behave as anthing other than a ten week old pup, I do have a certain level of sympathy for my dear sister.
So I let her rant, drowsily, wondering idly if I should make an appointment with the waxer in Malahide. I still haven't forgiven her for the balding she gave me at Christmas, so I decide I won't go, I'll shape it myself into a heart, or a mushroom, or if I'm feeling adventurous, a thunder bolt although I tried that a few weeks ago and it just looked like I had mange.
'What am I going to do?' Etherline wailed. 'I can't leave her out the back, my neighbour says she's small enough for a hawk or a fox to take her!'
'Um.'I say. Tough shit, I think. You should have thought of all this before you bought her.
'How can something so tiny be so...destructive?'
'She's a dog Etheline, dogs, even small ones, act like dogs.'
'Can I drop her off with you this morning?'
'Nope. I won't be here. I'm getting my hair done at twelve. Anyway I'm not sure that the cats wouldn't kill her.'
'They wouldn't, she's surprisingly vicious when she wants to be.'
'Hair appointment.'
'Oh right.'
After another few minutes she rings off. I make coffee.
Etheline and I are polar opposite when it comes to our homes. I like textures, velvet drapes, chenille throws, suede, leather, I like deep yellows and reds, lots of wood, books, antique lamps, rugs, pictures, old mirrors, I like tassles for heaven's sake. This is a pain in the arse, because as the owner of three cats and their never ending balls of hair, rich fabric means lots of washing and shaking things on the terrace and grumbling, but hey, that's my lot.
Etheline likes cream, she likes white and colours called 'duck egg blue' and 'twillight hint' and shit like that, she likes chrome lamps and stiff linens, her wardrobes (beech) are full of light bright clothes and neat preppy tops. Her bathroom is dazzling, her towels match and are white, her kitchen is pristine and her plates and cutlery match. Her living room looks stylishly cool and no one has ever coughed in there let alone spilled wine/beer/coffee, dropped crisps, played cards and yelled at the telly on fight night. There is no hair anywhere and no animal has turned one side of a cord sofa into a scratching post.
So the sudden realization that my sister's neat uncluttered hoome is being systimatically destroyed by something smaller than a bag of suger and that she paid handsomely for this pleasure makes me laugh and wince at the same time.
Animals, even designer ones all carry a price, and as I gaze across the room to the partically destroyed side of my large three seater sofa, I can shrug and take it in my stride. The bigger of the cats is snoozing in a patch of sunlight, I am going to ruffle his head in a moment and then I am going to go and make toast.
Etheline has a lot to learn.


Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I got a balding too once (the bikini wax surely ranks as one of the most eye-watering experiences a woman can have which doesn't involve onions or 'Sophie's Choice') and go my own road now and self-shape. For a while there I went through a 20th century dictator's moustache phase, Hitler, Stalin, Saddam, Pinochet etc. Not by design, just by happenstance, but I did feel all mighty in my knickers - they say power corrupts and absolute power ...

12:15 p.m.  
Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

I listen with respect to any woman with body hair, but only after she's had a good night's sleep. I'd let that little pooch take its chances with the buzzards. They've also got young to feed, after all.

12:30 p.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

you have too aks yourself if getting the brazilian or going to the effort of a harry potter shaped thunder bolt is worht it just to make him smile ?

1:40 p.m.  
Anonymous ainelivia said...

let me get this straight, your sister acquired a dog, to live with her in her neat uncluttered house, and she expects that the dog will not want to do all the normal things any human has a need to???? or leave hairs on the sofa?? hmmmm it occurs to me that the dog could go along with your for a body wax, but then I wouldn't suggest that to sister, she might like the idea.

have you ever discussed obsessive compulsive disorder with your sibling.....

2:32 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

The dog in your pic is a real little cutey! I might have to make an exception to my 'no little dogs rule' - such a dear little face!
Have a great weekend, FMC.

5:32 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

S'UP Bitches!
Sorry about tardy replies, Went, got hair done, four inches chopped off!! Met French Gay on way home, early cocktails.
So yeah, Sam, ouch, but I rather like creating shapes too, this week I am going to be Coco the clown. Nexty week arts and crafts.
GB, love ya baby.
Macdara-your hawtness- I don't give a rat's arse if he smiles or not, long as he stays down there.
Ainelivia- welcome, and yes we have discussed it at length, she is odd that way. As for waxing I'm still recovering from Christams when I went for a trim for a holiday abroad and she-Malahide wench- stripped every hair from my fanny, great for the bikini, terrible when it started to grow back, itch itch. I nearly caught a chill.
Sexybeauty, back at ya babe.
Going back out now, ciao, have a great weekend bloggeroonies!!!
Moaw moaw.

8:26 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

My sister had a chihuahua for a (very short) while... she reached that point of absolute crazy anger at said pooch and I just laughed... anything that is natural prey for crows...

I agree about the self-shaping... after watching House this week (he found a tick in a dumb teen's cooch -- long story), it just reasserts our compulsion for being well-groomed at all times -- never know when Hugh Laurie might be inspecting...

Have a nice weekend, FMC!

7:13 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Poor Hugh Laurie, second wind as a sex symbol and all I see when he's on the screen is the bumbling Bertie Wooster with a scowl and a limp. Like the show though. Say Lindy, what did your sister do with her dog/bat in the end?

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

I met H Lawrie once. He doesn't look it, but he's built like a brick shithouse. Full Blue for rowing?
Anyhoo, back to that mutt. I agree with Sexy,it looks a much better prospect than I imagined. Good colour, sits like a dog, wet nose, silly look on its face. Yes, all in, it doesn't look all that bad at all. Tell Benzene to get a book from the library re house and basic training. If she catches it young, a fortnight will do it. Young dogs find it quite stressful to crap indoors and will meet you halfway with a bit of training. It will need some shots too.

10:39 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I'm usre she'll work it out doclington, she's just slightly overwhelmed. We grew up with dogs, I had a doberman for years. I think she forgot that puppies are a bit like babies and need attention and routines.
Hey ho! Saturday! I think I'll head down town for a spot of brunch. Laters.

11:51 a.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Hugh Laurie. The answer is yes.

The is kind of cute, sitting there all innocent-like. And it'll be house trained before a kid would be out of diapers, so I suppose there are worse things.

4:55 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Like a kid in diapers?

5:21 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

Aah yes Hugh Laurie... *sigh*

FMC, my sister eventually ended up selling the little bastard to some breeder on the east coast, so she put him on a plane and hoped he'd have a nice life as a stud...

5:58 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Lindy, Hugh Laurie???? He's a total dork,c'mon girl, you can't be serious! (retaliation for Coldplay!!)

6:28 p.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

Sexy, a dork indeed, but an adorable one... besides, he's cuter than whatshisname from Coldplay... (sorry, couldn't resist!) Could do much worse than Hugh Laurie... after all, you could be stuck with the other Hugh, that smarmy Hugh Grant. Blech. At least Laurie's funny!

11:26 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I gotta throw my chips in for Hugh Laurie too. He's gorgeous!

8:45 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Lindy and Sam - you both obviously find his 'House' persona a turn on- rude and curmudgeonly - what is it about women and bad boys?

10:04 a.m.  
Blogger LindyK said...

I dunno what it is, Sexy -- it takes a special sort of fellow to be smart, an asshole, and still endearing...

Either that, or I'm a masochist.

1:17 a.m.  
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