Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Swan.


I don't like swans. I think they look beautiful from a distance, but having been chased half way up Portobello one morning by one of those psychotic hissing beasts I now view them with distrust.
I don't like The Swan, the 'reality' television show either.
For anyone who doesn't know it, this is a show where they- the producers- take/pick plain and sometimes unattractive women and (hack, saw, break, replace, tweak lift, stitch, diet, pluck, wax, dress, makeup) transform them into 'beauties' and then these 'beauties' can go on to enter a pagent. The over all winner is crowned "The Swan'(as opposed to the ugly ducklings or Goosey Lucys or whatever they call the runner-ups).
It is a horrible show, and trades on the insecurities, hope and sadness of unhappy women. A lot of the women are from broken relationships and are at a cross roads in their lives. They blame their situations almost entirely on their looks and see themselves as ugly, and as they are 'ugly' that means they have no worth.
Most of them are clearly in need of councelling and support.Some of them are boderline depressives.
The producers of this show like these women the best, because their pathetic, grateful, pleas for help. It makes for great television-apparently. ('Ah look at her weeping and saying no one loves her, don't worry baby, we'll get you a new body then you can kick that man who's cheating to the kerb like the dawg he is!')
So for x amount of weeks these women are preened over, supported (both mentally and physically) catered to, listened to and cared for. Naturally under this attention they bloom. They become stronger, more confident, they begin to smile, they feel better, loved, cared for. As ever pound is shed every cent of self worth tots up in the cash register.
Ah, but there is a bill. Ding ding. Here it comes now, beautiful, virginal, in a serene graceful line, churning the water underneath, paddling furiously with its ugly webbed feet.
Ladies, this is why you are here. Roll up roll up! I'm glad you feel better, because you are about to be pitched aganst each other to see which of you new totally articifial looking super-women looks the best. You're a nice person? Well sure honey but we ain't interested in that! Suck it in girls, suck it in.
The lights go up, the gowns sparkle, the skin is bronze, the glistening perfect teeth, lip glossed smiles are tense. The eyes say...'Pick me ! Pick me! I'm worthy! Look at me, look at my new face, please don't reject me.'
Hisssssssss....
Unfortunately, in the words of 'Highlander'...
There can be only one.
After the show the ladies are sent back to their lives. Bye bye support, friendship, motivation, councelling, makeup artist and team. The carnival must move on.
Sink or swim ladies, you got new teeth, a neck reduction, a tummy tuck, hair dos and a nose job, you look like Barbie, why ain't ya happy? What do you mean beauty does not automatically mean happiness? Are ya nuts?
They shouldn't call this show The Swan, they should call it The Vultures. After all what else are the producers if not great big ugly birds of prey, circling the skies looking for the bodies of the weak and the meek to carve up and pick over -and all for the sake of entertainment.

21 Comments:

Blogger Twenty Major said...

It serves them right for being fat and ugly in the first place.

9:59 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Shut it scabula.

10:31 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Gawd FMC, I love those shows, I lap up every one. The possibility of being able to get a bit of tweaking and chopping and end up looking like Angeline Jolie, Kate Moss, Gwyneth Paltrow, Keita Knightly, Nicole Kidman......or a combination of all their best bits......it's that hope over common sense thing... I love it!

11:44 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sexy, I just know you're totally hawt without even brushing you hair.

11:49 a.m.  
Anonymous MacDara said...

What about the one with the really fat people and forcing them to lose weight. Didn't tow of them fall on each other and one died due to being squashed or was that just a dream.
Everyone here in the Leb gets a nose job and they don't hide it they come into work the next day with black eye and a big fucking bandage where their huge honker used to be. dont get me started on the number of staff that have had breast implants ,,,,,,,,,now you have me drooling on the key board.

12:21 p.m.  
Blogger Your Anti said...

I was turned down for one of those shows for being a lost cause,sniff.

12:35 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

MacDara is drooling over a half a kilo of silicone? Bloody hell - isn't a fertile imagination great. You'd never get a girl drooling over a dildo......

12:57 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I quite like a big nose on a man-I mean Adrien Brody wouldn't look half as sexy with a plastic button nose- and big feet, I especially like big feet.
Boob jobs are fine and dandy, but they're hard. Look great, not so hot for giving them a squeeze...er I shoudn't wonder.

2:11 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

some men are nothing more than big dildos, sexybeauty, and i have drooled over them i must say.

FMC, if a chick's dumb enough to put herself on the line for The Swan, she deserves whatever she gets IMO. there are no fairy godmothers.

hope your blackdogdreams have let up.

2:13 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Slept like a log last night, Finn my sweet, awoke full of the joys of spring. If I had a tail it would be wagging.

2:28 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

MacDara, the Biggest Loser, that's the name of the other programme. Presented by one of the women who used to be an Aunt in Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Don't say I never broadened your horizons culturally.
I don't mind that show so much, the fat acceptence groups are always getting their knickers in a twist about though coz it proves the point, 300 pounds? why yes you can lose it through diet and exercise. Which they hate hearing.

2:31 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

My dad's auntie had a double mastectomy and her uterus, ovaries and gall bladder out, all before she was 50. The boobs went first and she was quite sorry to see the other bits, which would have filled their place quite nicely, just be discarded. She said it was probably all for the best though, as she'd be in trouble if she ever got pregnant again.

7:15 a.m.  
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