Thursday, March 30, 2006

Smell of burning martyr.

Sick of being ignored, my mother has decided to bring the battle across enemy lines. Black magic/prayer/psychic/faithhealer obviously has not worked. My younger brother is still married to a COLUMBIAN. They are still returning from Australia in a few weeks, they have still done nothing about finding a place to live.
Why my brother can't type Daft.ie , or myhome.ie into a computer is a mystery to all of us. House renting has come a long way from queing all evening outside a dump in Rathmines with a copy of the Evening Herald clutched in your ink stained fingers.
So my mother is coming to Dublin today, she is taking Etheline and me to lunch. I don't want to go, Etheline does not want to go. Naturally we are going.
I predict snivelling, weeping, accusations. I predict that somehow it will be all my fault. I predict eye rolling, raised voices, shushing, more accusations, refusal of desserts, acceptance of desserts. Finger pointing and sniffing loudly are sure to top the bill.
'Nobody cares.' My mother wailed this morning when I was stupid enough to answer the phone. 'I sacrificed so much for you children and this is how you repay me, you break my heart and then...nobody cares. I might as well curl up and die for all any of you care.Maybe I should just die, it's not like I have anything to live for.'
'Hello' I lied.
'Come to lunch today.'
'I can't I'm busy.'
'Etheline is coming.'
'Okay. So you don't need me to go.'
'You're like granite. You've no heart at all, you know someday I'll be gone. Time and tide waits for no man.'
I grit my teeth because A) I hate that expression and B) I can hear her faux teary voice kicking in.
'I was at the the doctor yesterday and do you know what she said?'
'No.'
'She said stress is killing me, do you hear that? Killing me!'
'Did she?'
'My blood pressure is up, I had two panic attacks yesterday, I couldn't breathe...'
And yet she found time and breath aplenty to carry on in this vein for some twenty minutes until I gave in and said I'd go to lunch.
When I finally got her off the line I called Etheline.
'You too?' Etheline groaned as soon as she heard my voice.
'Yeah.'
''She told me her arm went numb yesterday. She figures she is heading for a stroke.'
I ponder this for a moment. 'I've heard people who have strokes sometimes lose the ability to speak.'
'Fingers crossed then.'
We both laugh guiltily. I say bye and tell her I'll see her later.
My day, though young, is already in tatters.
Bollocks.

250 Comments:

Blogger finn said...

BRING THE KITCHEN KNIFE.

2:27 p.m.  
Blogger the anti-barney said...

I hope it went better than expected pet

3:58 p.m.  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

But there are deserts. How can it be all bad? Just close your ears and concentrate on the chocolate.

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Blogger fatmammycat said...

Son of a cunt, I am just back now. I hate her. Going to bed. Thanks for stopping by. I shall probably report tomorrow-too drunk now really.

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Oh and joeinvegas good evening, CSI to you.

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Blogger Gorilla Bananas said...

She's not still upset about the Columbian son-in-law is she? If I were you, I'd buy a book about Columbia, memorize 100 killer facts about the nation, and tell them to your mother until she got bored of the topic.

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Daughter-in-law GB, wench, not knight, and yes, she really is.

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Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

There are days when the slightest pause in my mother's voice before saying hello, can drive me up the wall and into a crawlspace under the timbers, where with any luck I'll have left some sandwiches and a good book. And we live 5000 miles apart and communicate mainly by phone.

My mother can take each and every nerve in my body and pull tight on them, destroying all normal flexibility and causing me to be come taut, and highly snappable. Nobody else has ever had this effect on me, but her.

I think a warm bath, a glass of something pleasing to the neurons and perhaps a frolic through blogland might help. Oops, I've just read the "(I'm) too drunk now bit". I see you're way ahead of me.

Well failing that, I believe the doctor can give her something very effective indeed. In the good old days they used to give women, whom they deemed 'hysterical,' vibrators until they realised that that was too much fun and we weren't making lighter than air scones any more. Now, I believe, there are some wee pills they'll readily over-prescribe to anyone asking for them. These pills were terribly popular amongst housewives of the 50s.

Why don't you take the pills, a refill prescription and a vibrator and send them in an anonymous package to your mother? She may never feel like complaining ever again.

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Blogger Monstee said...

Me feel for ya FMC,,, but cant really relate. Me have good relationship with me momstee. That probably cause of her relationship with her momstee, me gramstee. She sound a lot like you momster. What me momstee says she am going to do one of these days am go out and buy a violin and freshly strung bow. Then get music book called "Sad songs for the martyrs." Then learn to play. Then go over to grams house and shove the lot up her arse!

Just idea for thinkin bout. Hang in there!
Vent when ya need too!
:]

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Sam, my mother has been gobbling any number of pills for years. I imagine without them she either explodes or turns into a horned winged beast.
Monstee, I envy you and yet I still want to blow on your belly, sick or what?

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