Sunday- up early enough, wander down town get papers, meet up with friends for brunch, have chicken salad, cup of coffee. Feeling good, feeling great, how are you?
2pm- come home, read papers for half an hour, torment one of the cats by making my hand appear and disappear behind pillow on sofa. Laugh at stupidity of cats, stop laughing when cat uses razor/scythes to catch hand. Put plaster on hand. Vow revenge.
3-pm make coffee sit at computer with Tuc crackers and semi-cured spreadable cheese. Work for few hours, feeling good, dandy even.
6pm- get email from Paramour asking me to plug phone in. Oblige him by doing just that. Take call, agree that I will join him for a glass or two of wine later that evening as I have been working and feel I deserve it. Feeling loved and special, hug self, feel immediately stupid.
Work for another while, feel confident that work is looking good and that I am a great person to be responsible enough to work on a Sunday. Feeling chuffed.
7- have shower, wash and condition hair, carefully choose clothes. Spend ages doing 'subtle' make up. Get dressed, admire self in mirror, ask cat how I look, cat licks its nasty cat hole.
Dismiss cat and spend more time looking at self. Put on very high heels indeed, smother self in Dior. Feel vain, but good.
9- meet Paramour, kissy kissy grope fondle, take seat, order some nibbly things, drink a glass of wine, chat, flirt, talk filthy, grin, flirt, talk filthy again, am accused of causing hard on, laugh, pretend to be shocked, flirt some more. Plan to be even filthier later that evening wearing just the Dior. Discuss plan with Paramour just to see him squirm.
10- Hear name called. See Country Gay wander through crowd. And shocked to see he is not crying and also has new hair cut. He joins us, more drink is ordered. Waiter -from Cuba- fills glass very high because I am nice and say thank you whenever he does, he claims I am politest person he has ever served. I laugh, drink more wine.
10:30 pm- two other friends appear, spot us, come over, much chatting, more wine is ordered, more wine is drunk.
11-blow me, here comes French Gay. ''eeeeee' look what ze cat she dragg-ed in'
Sit enthralled as French Gay entertains table with exploits, another round of drinks, have long discussion with Country Gay about John Irving, we agree World According to Garp is a splendid book and the film was spendidly cast, even though none of us really like Robin Williams. Paramour, who has now switched to Gin and Tonics, says JOhn Banville looks like Podge and Rodge (puppets) Sniggering ensues, I pat his arms, mmmmm, another round of drinks if you please. Why yes, I'd love a Baileys.
12:30- stand up try put on coat, discover can't find arms holes, look to Paramour for help, discover Paramour is trying with glassily eyed determination to work out his own coat situation.
Leave bar, suck air into lungs, air acts like LSD.
Vision wobble. Hear French Gay, say 'I think we are all a leetle fuck-ed, no?'
Agree with the assessment. Kissy kissy bye bye, call me!
Stagger up road clinging grimly to Paramour who is doing some splendid staggering of his own. Not feeling so hot.
Lift ride is horrendous. Make it to apartment, go in, make it to bathroom, vomit copiously, try to stop vomiting, only make self puke more. Finally dry retch to a halt. Flush, over to hand basin, wash face with soap! Brush teeth, brushing action made me gag. Fortunately have nothing left to bring up except organs.
Take off clothes, leave on floor, stagger back to bedroom, find paramour passed out snoring on bed in clothes. Move his arm out of the way, lie down, shut eyes. Wait for room to stop spinning, think about Chyna, female wrestler, is she a drummer now? Wonder if there are any Tayto crisps in house. Fall asleep.
I am sitting here now in my Kimono, bare feet, hair awry, panda eyes and I appear to have the trembles. Poor old Paramour woke at six and had to make his way home to shower change and get ready for work.
There is a moral to this somewhere, I think it could be don't eat salad on a Sunday or something, but I could be wrong.
I'm never drinking again!