Friday, August 04, 2006

Vaginal spasams? Madam, go...

sit over there.
I was out last night and I'm sure I caught something perfectly filthy from the crowd of reprobabtes that were also out. I don't feel well. It hurts to swallow and only for the paramours willingness to get up at half five in the morning and find painkillers while still asleep, I wouldn't have surfaced at all today. But I am here, what a little trouper I am. And it is Friday, I refuse point blank to be ill on a Friday.

It is very strange the things folk will talk about to absolute strangers. Last night a delightful woman told me about her trip around Europe and the fun time she had letting off illegal fireworks in Cork. I -and my third rum-found her most entertaining.
But then an artist French Gay is considering entered the frey and next bloody thing you know she's talking about vaginal spasams ( more common than the meedja would have us believe apparently)
I mean the conversation had drifted along with art, Pollock, Kadinski, The Hours, Barbara Streisland, Jools Holland, wolves, Chanel, African bag sellers, bitches, Modigliani, ex lovers, death, Jade Goody's autobiography, Anna wintour, Cork fireworks.
Then bam!
Vaginal spasams. Or rather, 'I suffer from vaginal spasams you know.'
'Really?, awful for you.'
I can tell you nothing killed the mood quicker. I had to have another rum to recover.
What is the strangest thing a complete stranger has ever said to you?


Anonymous Cate said...

I hear you!! I'm a wierdo attractor. Mainly men though. Vaginal spasming sufferer....yea that's a strange one alright.

11:43 a.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

When I was 19, a student, and in my first week in an evening job as a barmaid
a guy asked me to dinner after work. I went, we laughed a lot and during the main course he proposed - he was an English lawyer (20 years older than me)emigrating to Canada three weeks later and wanted a wife to take with him! I often wonder what my life might have been like if I'd said yes!

12:01 p.m.  
Blogger finn said...

vaginal spasms sound like rather a delightful prospect to me at this moment.

i hope you rally for the weekend cat.

12:08 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Morning cate, isn't it a vile day.
Shebah, that's rather dashing and romantic. He fell head over heels with you druing a dinner... I'd say you're a bit of a fine filly though. Were you tempted?
Oh Finn, it's not looking likely. I'm lounging about, reading Waugh and feeling sorry for myself. Did you have brownies? Were they delicious?

12:47 p.m.  
Blogger AntToeKnee said...

Sufferer? How can having your sexual organs auto-stimulate be called suffering? It's like a man complaining that his cock has grown a small hand on the back which intermittently wanks him off every couple of hours.

Oohh look, you've managed to attract a weirdo on the t'internet as well!

1:09 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Welcome. It is astrange on all right, but that's the choice of words she used. Maybe they weren't good spasams, maybe it was like lock down, or maybe it was a shivering, I just don't know. Tell you what, when I see her again I'll ask.
Your hand story remind me of a comedian who was talking about blow jobs before a live audience.
'Ladies, I don't know what yer problems are with blowjobs. If a guy could do it himself, you'd all be sitting here alone...watching an empty stage. It's that last bloody rib I swear...'

1:20 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

No FMC, not romantic at all, I think any woman would have done - he was probably desperate! Vaginal spasms - isn't that the objective? Was she just boasting that she could to it on her own, sans bloke?

2:20 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

If she was boasting she didn't look very happy about it. Maybe it happend at inappropiate times, like when she's trying to read or eat turkey. Either way I'm really not sure why she would just pop out with it.
God I feel wretched. I think I might have to go have a shower and get dressed.

3:05 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

That complaint sounds to me about as troubling as self-trimming toenails, or an inexplicable urge to be graceful and gracious in every situation.

The woman was clearly showing off.

4:21 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

Japanese women insert little silver balls to get this effect - haven't tried it, but just imagine if they popped out at an inappropriate moment!

4:29 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

With a sort of ping-ing. A quimball machine.

6:32 p.m.  
Blogger Twenty Major said...

A quimball machine.

Without question that is the funniest thing you have ever said.

12:01 p.m.  
Anonymous two sheds jackson said...

Erm - I think I've heard of this - it's called vaginismus I believe and supposed to be very painful and completly arse-up your sex life. Ok still a weird thing to tell a stranger though!

11:12 a.m.  
Anonymous two sheds jackson said...

Oh and quimball machines should be on sale - can't you just imagine a very different pub with a quimball machine in it? ... I'll get my coat...

11:14 a.m.  

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