Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Dear Ryanair...

I have never had the pleasure of travelling with you before yesteday and today so I just thought I might pen you little letter of thanks. First of all thanks ever so much for being the furthest gate away in the airport. Thank you also for taking my very expensive and obviously deadly shampoo because the bottle it was in was over 100ml OF SHAMPOO.
Cheers especially for not having designated seating, I do like to sit in the middle of a plane. I also like to sit behind families with very small infants who begin to cry the moment the plane takes off, and whose idea of calming said infant is to repeatedly shake a rattle at it. If it didn't work the first eighty six times chaps chances are...
Thank you also for playing starters orders and scaring the beejaysus out of the old man sleeping beside me, his drool moistened my face considerably. It was soooo funny the way he pretended not to notice as your Transylvanian Airhostess loudly exclaimed that 'Ryan Air is alvays un time!" I notice you didn't do this on the way back, I also know why, but I'll get to that in a mo.
Thanks for having me traipse around Gatwick for TWO AND A HALF HOURS before my flight, thanks also for not posting the departure time on ANY of the televisions and then flashing 'LAST CALL FOR BOARDING' making me run eighteen miles of corridor in very high heels. Thank you then for telling my breathless sweating self that it's 'airport policy' to do this, even though this was clearly a BIG FAT LIE.
Thank you for removing my deadly bottle of sealed water. I know I was thirsty (after the run) but sure what the hell.
Thank you for that baldy fuck of a hostess. Dave I think he was called, thanks a WHOLE BUNCH for him. I'm sure he wasn't cheap, the MIlitia must miss his winning ways. I like the way he insisted I take my head phones out, even though my ipod was off, and when this was pointed out to him he got all pissy and said, ' Well you still have to take them out.'
'Why?'
'So you can hear instructions.'
'I can hear you perfectly, it's not switched on.'
I like the way he squatted down and in delightfully menacing way said, 'You NEED to take them out.'
Only for the fact the new old man beside me looked like he was going to have a heart attack any second made me do as I was told. But that Dave, he's a keeper, and probably a leather wearing tea-bagging gimp in his spare time.
About the new old boy, he was fine...I only had to give him his lung back once.
Thanks for having Dave check that I had A-my seat belt on, not once but twice, B- ask me if I wanted food, not once but twice, and C-Did I have any rubbish left over from the food I did not order, this was only once.
I'm super glad that tired and a mite touchy, I had to walk a further mini marathon to get back to the airport on my arrival in Ireland land of my fathers.
All in all a swell time. The scratch cards for charideee are a nice touch, and the lovely lass who anounced she was about to sell them at decibel 1000 was a hoot, I'm sure the stain will come out of these pants.
Cheers Ryan Air, until next time.
Fatmammycat

36 Comments:

Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Ah, Ryannair! Ah, their cyborg staff! Ah, Gatwick! Failed the 100ml test at first asking, eh? I wonder are we allowed have more than 100ml of piss in our bladders?

5:26 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't know, but I'll wager Dave would give it a good squeeze to guage it.

5:56 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

I hope there's a large gin in front of you as you type!

5:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Simon said...

Most of that ain't Ryanairs fault.
You know what you ain't getting with Ryanair so don't bother complaining when you don't get it.

Ignorance of the T+C's / Rules aint no excuse.

The only thing perhaps you can complain about being the not so nice staff - generally they are as helpful as a pair of concrete armbands but hey ... tis cheap I don't care.

6:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

What the fuck is it with people this week, coming over onto other folk's blogs to tell 'em what they can and can't complain about.
I am very tired.

6:14 p.m.  
Blogger Keith Gaughan said...

That's a bit of a cheap shot! I hear most leather-wearing, tea-bagging gimps are actually quite nice people. There's no reason to pull them into this. :-)

6:33 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Yes Fmc, I agree with you... FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU MICHAELOLEARY CLONES..

6:41 p.m.  
Anonymous Stephen said...

Hold the hell on, besides their cranky staff, I fail to see how Ryanair have any control over the rest of your complaints. They don't run Gatwick or airport security, and you can hardly expect them to get peoples' children to shut the fuck up.

I've flown with them several times and know what to expect - no frills, shit service, and dirt cheap fares. The most unpleasant flight I've ever had was a Ryanair night flight from Newcastle to Dublin, packed full of pissheads on their way to stags and hens in Dublin.
Dunno about you, but I'd rather endure some inconvenience than pay silly money for short haul flights.

7:11 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Drunken stag and hen parties while up in a metal box in the air...Jesus christ, I would have been on Valium and gin.
I"m going off to inhale a bottle of wine now, if anyone else wants to comment and ponder at the audacity of me slagging Ryanair for the SHITTY travelling I have had to endure...have at it.

7:30 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

None of which seems to be Ryanairs fault, addres it to the DAA and osama's crew while your at it! ;)

linked off tcal

7:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ryanair are cunts. I hate that people use the excuse that because they're cheap, they can behave however the fuck they want. It's not an excuse.

And anyway, with all their add-ons these days, they're not that much cheaper than some of the others. I haven't flown with them for about two years, and will do my best not to fly with them again.

8:14 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Have you ever flown to "Paris" with them? And Ryanair has the nerve to bitch on about Dublin airport!!

10:17 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

That Dave fancied you something rotten. It's so obvious.
Gatwick is better than the other Airports. The british security measures are a lot of overhyped garbage. The rules don't apply to inward flights so are totally pointless, it's all part of our government's attempt to frighten us. Noone's fooled. Ryanair should not be allowed to take over Aer Lingus, and I hoped all the Dublin Prague Barcelona Budapest let's have pissup stuff had finished.
I love flying, me.

10:18 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Conan was this Beauvais, Paris by any chance? My pal Tara did that one, something to do with an airport the size of a living room and a hellish bus ride through the French countryside at an ungodly hour in the morning.
Watcha mean Docky? If I fly from London to Liverpool are there much lighter security checks? Do you still have to remove shoes and jackets? Are bottles of water allowed?

10:47 a.m.  
Blogger Dr Maroon said...

No, what i mean is that flights originating from outside the uk for example Lanzerotty or Morrocco or Islamabad for the sake of argument do not have the same onerous checks.
If i want to fly however to Kirkwall or the utter Hebrides from Gleska, then it's the full bodysearch for me.
It's all bollocks. It only works if every airport in the world does it.

11:33 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

That'd be Beauvais, alright. It's way, way smaller than Cnoc [sorry, "Ireland West International..."] Airport. Actually most of Beauvais is outdoors but covered over with a glorified tarpaulin gazebo contraption, with kill yer arse seating. The coaches are low spec and you get yer billets from a barna shed outside. The journey is monumentally, life shorteningly boring... Go, and you must go to Paree, via CDG... vive la difference!

11:49 a.m.  
Blogger P1P said...

I have to pay extra and go on a real flight. I can't deal with the people. I'd be in jail before I had torn the head from the second unhelpful trolly dolly.

You want my shampoo? Fuck no you can't have it. Unhand me! Stop dragging me into that room. What are you doing with those rubber gloves?

That said I went to thailand on aeroflot. Holy shit. The only smoking plane I have ever been on. The Russkis woke up at about 6am on the plane and the guy next to me immediately (and i mena the second his eyes opened) lit a marlboro red and poured himself a whisky that i could have swam in.

Also when we took off from moscow all the overhead bins opened and showered us with the contents.

Oh and when i said I'd ordered a vegetarian meal the steward looked like he was oing to execute me on the spot.

Ryan air? Pussy air, they have no idea of how to give you a shitty trip. Wait until you have been frisked by a woman/bear while her companion covers you with an AK.

It's only money and for more of it your karma can remain placid and unstained by the likes of take your earphones out guy.

Why? if we do for some reason crash we are all fucked. My knowledge of the exits that i can clearly fucking see anyway will not helf when the plane is snapped in half in a field.

It's like they do it to deliberately annoy me!

I am so on your side except you can replace the words thank you with fuck you.

2:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's right...there now, let it all out..

2:53 p.m.  
Blogger SheBah said...

FMC - this might amuse you - obviously from one very pissed off American dude! NOT MY VIEW, you understand (as she ducks behind large piece of furniture!)


Dear passengers,

Quit whining all the time.

As a 20 year veteran airport customer service agent I am so tired of hearing whining and complaining passengers all day long. If I went to your jobs and acted like many of you do at the ticket counters, in the gate areas and on the planes I would probably be arrested. First of all, read signs and quit expecting us to treat you like little kids. You can't find your way to a bathroom? Can't read a boarding pass? Act like you are "entitled" to a certain seat on the plane. You don't own the plane, you just rent the seat for the duration of the flight; remember that! You wanted cheaper fares? Well, join the other former Greyhound patrons who are now flying. You wonder why that 300 lb woman with a handful of teeth and body odor using multiple seatbelts extensions is sitting next to you? She can now afford it, thanks to you.

You complained when food was served and now you complain that it is not served. Can't figure out how to go through security checkpoints? Do you want me to "Map Quest" it for you? Never read any sign anywhere in the airport and then say "nobody told you where to go?" I'll tell you where to go. You come with a bad attitude when everything is on time and you're late. What did you want? ... , us to hold the plane for you? You'd be the first one to complain if the flight was held for someone else and is late. You get mad when the flights are full and then when the flights are half full, you want us to complimentary place you in first class out of the kindness of our hearts. This is a BUSINESS! The object is to make MONEY! Last time I checked this is an airline. If you want to move call Bekins or Van Lines. They are the ones with the trailers. Besides you don't need to bring everything you own for the weekend.

Yes, sometimes we do have some attitude. It's probably due to dealing with some of you idiots who fly today. We are NOT babysitters or psychiatrists. We did not have an "attitude" when we started in this business so I wonder where it came from. Saying NO does not mean we are rude, it means you dont get everything just because YOU want it. Again, this is a BUSINESS - NOT lets make a deal! Use some common sense and quit acting stupid. Bring your BRAIN to the airport. You seem to want to bring everything else. Our pay is downsized and our staff is downsized so guess what, we are not happy campers on the other side of that counter. Remember that when you ask for the 5th time in 5 minutes when are you going to board the flight ... it's still half an hour before departure... as it's ALWAYS been. Oh yeah, contrary to what you might think... or you might try reading it as the boarding time is printed on your boarding pass along with the GATE NUMBER!!!

One more note: WE DO NOT CONTROL THE WEATHER !!!

Respectfully: Your Airline

4:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Snarf, it did indeed amuse me, but only because it is Friday and I am not travelling anyplace. If It was wednesday I would hunt that chappie down and sneeze on him.

5:30 p.m.  
Anonymous Kitty said...

Hey girl, you simply fallow EU law and will be fine, you are not allowed to have more then 100 ml doesnt matter what airlines you flying with...you simply spoiled

10:12 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I am, you're right. But I like it.

3:20 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ryanair are cunts! its official. They aint even cheap so get that fucking lie out the way for a start (tax, baggage con etc).

I fly loads and I am always on my best behaviour. The difference you get with Easyjet, BA, BM etc is incredible and if you do it right you can get all these airlines for the same price or less that ryanair..

my band wont be flying with these fucking bandits ever again! its there fucking loss because we gig loads...

5:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, shut up already. An air line can't be responsible for whoever choses to fly with them (like you for instance). Stop whining, deal with your own problems and fly with some other air line if you think your too good for all those idiots on Ryan Air (who probably are just like you anyway).

7:36 p.m.  
Anonymous flightlessfromnewcastle said...

I've just had the worst day of my life in Newcastle airport, due to the screens not displaying our flight or gate number at all, the flight being delayed due to late arrival, and an instruction on screens to stay in lounge until you know your gate number, result one missed Ryanair flight. Not blaming Ryanair as they are not responsible for the faulty screens, however, the Ryanair staff 'Shirley' especially had a disgusting manner.
What has happened to 'the customer is always right', staff training etc. Ryanair sucks.
I will never use Ryanair again. I won't be spoken to like a piece of dog dirt. This mistake has cost us over £170 and a ruined holiday. It's a drop in the ocean though to some peoples loses I have read in complaints. So pleased I missed snarling hostess Dave or whoever.

5:13 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you should maybe think twice before complaining about Ryanair.
(1) What happens in the airport is nothing to do with Ryanair, read the fucking screen, its your responsibility to be on time. Why should a whole plane be delayed because of one idiot.
(2)The cabin crew are their for your saftey, not to lick your fat ass. Dave was doing his job, stop being so ignorant.
(3) The planes are not immaculate because Ryanair do 25 minute turnarounds, enough time for security checks and to pick up any remaining rubbish. The crew do their best to keep the plane clean by coming through with gash carts during the flight. You get what you pay for in that respect.
(4) There is a 'free seating policy', you will always have a god damn seat, they look exactly the same anyway. Do you really give a fuck if you dont get a window seat on a flight that lasts a couple of hours. Its not long haul!!
(5)Please, please lay of the crew, they work long long hours. They have plenty to do, including accounts have you know and they get very tired of idiots like you not cooperating when they are trying to carry out simple tasks like SECURING the cabin before take off and landing.(6)Ryanair beat every other airline in respects to being on time and not losing baggage. If you want to arrive at your destination 2 hours later and wait a week for your luggage to arrive then fly BA!!
(7)Its a fucking successful business.What do you want the crew to be like when you fly. You get your basic greeting like any other airline, your goodbye and thankyou like any other airline, your service like any other airline. So cut the crap!(8) They hire crew from all over europe who happen to be very gifted since most of them can speak several languages, including english of course. These people are not stupid. Do not even want to know what your occupation is? Being a fat lazy whining mama!!

7:31 a.m.  
Anonymous Pat said...

I think you should never think twice before complaining about Ryanair.
(1) What happens in the airport has everything to do with Ryanair, the staff should know what the fuck is going on, and its their responsibility to be smart and professional. Why should a whole plane be delayed for over an hour in Gatwick and not one spastic crew member takes it upon himself to explain what the fuck is going on!
(2)The cabin crew are not there for your saftey, only to lick some Glaswegian queer air hosts fat fake tanned ass. Dave was acting like a rancid tosser and should really stop being so ignorant.
(3) The planes are fucking manky lumps of dog shite because Ryanair do 25 minute turnarounds, not near enough time for security checks and especially not to pick up any remaining rubbish. The crew do fuck all to keep the plane clean and laugh when your hand just misses some freshly brewed tinker puke that is streaming down the side of your seat. You don't get what you pay for in that respect.
(4) There is a 'free seating policy', whereby you will always have to endure the shambolic chaos that ensues when dumb fucks have no thought for anyone but themselves, they dumb fucks look exactly the same anyway, retarded stinking looking knackers. Do you really give a fuck when some filthy ditchpig belts you in the jaw with a suitcase? YES. Thank fuck its not long haul!!
(5)Please, please don't lay of the crew, they work long long hours; however it's clearly not enough as the message of respect and decency towards customers clearly isn't getting through. They have plenty to do, including accounts have you know but they appear to be over the moon with delight when dealing with idiots. Why? Because they find it hilarious. The more uncooperative the knackers are, the funnier it seems to be.
(6)Ryanair does not beat every other airline in respects to being on time and not losing baggage.
In fact they are shite when it comes to "being on time". If you want to arrive at your destination 2 hours later and wait a week for your luggage to arrive then fly Ryanair!!
(7)Its a fucking successful business but not for too much longer because people are getting sick of the shit - literally. What do you want the crew to be like when you fly? Eh, tidy professional folk with one or two beans of sense. You get your basic greeting like any other airline, your goodbye and thankyou like any other airline, however clearly not the service like any other airline.
(8) They hire crew from all over europe who happen to be very retarded since most of them can't speak one language, including their own, Polish of course. These people are extremely stupid. I don't want to even know what your occupation is? Do not even think of applying to Ryanair unless you are a fat lazy whining mama.

12:18 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's it! Fight! Fight to the death!

11:26 a.m.  
Anonymous Happy paying customer said...

yes fuck ryanair x100.Full on in the head.
Grumpy bitch of a what no longer exists (check in) at 5am ground hostess, followed by the hostile greeting at boarding itself and the courteous bollocking because you are carrying a bottle of water that dosent fit in your bag etc. yes fuck ryanair from the scramble of no seats allocated syndrome to the landing and the ott "inflight music" bit telling us at 120db that they have made another on time landing.And finally Fuck ryanair for the charges and visa booking fees and all the other shite on their booking pages online.Oh fuck I almost forgot, the fucking baggage allowance and the sir your 100grams over the limit and were going to have to fine you 200 euros per gram, yes you know what Im on about. Any fucking chance to rob you blind.. Look face it, book any other airline and pay more and get treated with humanity and a reasonable service.Book ryanair if you want to have the GDR (pre 1989) experience.
Fuck you x10 to finish off. NEVER AGAIN RYANFAILAIR

5:46 p.m.  
Anonymous Michael O'Dreary said...

Fly with CrynAir instead!

www.crynair.com

4:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

stupid fat American cunt. I hate Ryanair (actually has never flown with this cheap crap), but what is written is so fucking stupid that is is almost funny :))))

12:20 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your all a bunch of whining bitches. you want the cheapest and thats what ryanair gives you... then you want to be treated like your special. if you want special treatment fuck of to another airline. ryanair does exactly what it says on the tin.

Your all a bunch of tight fuckers and then you complain about being a bunch of tight fuckers.

2:20 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fatmammycat

your a whining english cunt and you can fuck off to your shit whole of a country and stay the fuck out of ireland land of my fucking fathers not yours.

Whats more. if you pay peanuts you get monkeys so fuck off and pay a few extra quid to be treated like a princess on a UK airline... Like will ever fucking happen!!

2:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck ryan air BIG THIEVES

1:29 p.m.  
Anonymous Mr Menard said...

The best action:

Send a letter to your local airport authority requesting that the airport allocate slots for the same destinations to airlines different than Ryan Air (Polish, Checz, Portuguese, Austrian, Scandinavian, etc..). They have about the same fares and do a much better job especially at check-ins and security gates. The seating and organization is much better as well.

The aim is that Ryan Air has fewer slots in your local airport so you have a choice of good airlines for your destinations.

There are plenty of better airlines in the world, make sure they operate in your local airport instead of RyanAir

7:22 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ryanair dumped us in the wrong country. After having us sitting strapped in seatbelts waiting for a take off for 1.5 hour in Stansted, they delivered us to the wrong country - to Spain instead of Portugal. 10 mins before landing the pilot snnounced that for the reasons unknown to him we were unable to land in Faro that evening and would be landing in Malaga instead. 'But don't worry', he said, 'the coaches are waiting outside'. No coaches outside, of course, not a single Ryanair rep around. After looking for the said coaches for an hour, we found buses upstairs (how insane?) only guessing they were the Faro ones as there weren't even any signs or English speaking reps. So we were on that bus for over 6 hours travelling through the night through Spain and Portugal, with no airconditioning, drinks, or toilets. Obviously, a day of holiday wasted as had to catch up on a sleepless night. No compensation, not even a response from RyanAir until complaining to the Civil Aviation Authority. And a 2 hour plane journey turned into a 10 hour hell by plane and bus for no good reason - perfect weather, no technical faults. Something that RyanAiar wouldn't admit is that they took off late and that made them late for Faro airport which has a curfew after 11pm. So, instead of paying a late-landing fine for their own cock-up, they chose to put people through hell to save money. And before anyone screams 'you get what you pay for', a flight to a beach holiday in summer couldn't be that cheap, could it?

10:51 a.m.  

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