Thursday, May 10, 2007

The secret.

'Oh give me all your money honey, give it all to meeeeeeeeeee
You do'n need it no more, not now you got meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
We''ll blow this joint and live wild 'n freeeeeeeee'
Trust me baybee, I'm all that you neeeeeeeeeeeed!"

Well slap my ass and call my lady patch Babs, just when I thought the world of stupidity could not get any more richly packed I find that not only can it, it has.
If mumbo jumbo was a pond, then The Secret is the crud currently floating like an ooze on the top. The Secret is just that, the secret to universal happiness, how to get everything your heart ever desired.
How my chumlywarners? How can we achieve this Nirvana like state, why by asking the universe for it. Squeeze yer many eyes shut and ask away. Visualise it. Wanna new car ? Bigger mickey? Lose weight? Less ear wax? Don't do anything, don't work for it, working is for losers. No No, you just gotta wish really really hard and ask the 'right' questions of the Uber God Answerer (UGA) and the 'Law of attraction' will provide you very heartfelt wishes.
Awesome! Right? Right? And even more funninger and trickyser is that if you ask for things wronglier, the you get the opposite of the shit you asked for, so you better buy the book/video/assorted paraphernalia and learn how to catch the UGAs not very benevolent ear, last thing you want is to be fatter with a gammy leg living in cave with a shrivelled mickey. NU-UH! No SIREEEEEEEBOB!
OH the crapology. Won't someone please think of the mickeys!
I've snickered at The Secret briefly before and ignored it with gusto. Fuck it, I've said aloud, if fools want to part with their hard earned cash in the vain hope that some not fool shyster might know more about their future happiness and contentment than they do, well let them on. Who am I to mock ridicule and damn well POINT AND LAUGH! At least it's not Reiki.
About as good as, but there you go, some people are just dumb.
And I was CONTENT to let this latest chicanery slide right by me, safe in the knowledge that there will always be people who are taken in by fraudsters who conflate mumbo jumbo with scientific sounding stuff in order to validate their ludicrous claims, ain't that how snake oil is sold in the first place? Oh sure, the 'Law of attraction' why I says dat be just loike de law o' gravity, therefore it must be a scientific fact? Right Hoss?
Oh never mind, as I say it was sliding right by me, Oprah never struck me a much of an authority on 'must read books' any way and after the James Frey debacle I thinks she should stick to taking over the world one bored house wife/Jennifer Anniston fan at a time.
But I digress.
I WAS prepared to over look this latest pile of STEAMING BULLSHIT, right up until I took a call this morning. Observe fellow mother sufferers.

'Doodle deep doodle deep doodle deep.' (most hated sound, our phone)
'Harro?" 'Me- still with toothbrush in side of mouth.
'Hello.' Mother, just a hint of antagonism. A distant peel of hostility.
'Horr on.' Drop phone, wander back to bathroom, rinse and spit, wash face carefully, pat face dry, examine toes, consider world politics, take deep breath, straighten shoulder, wander back to the bedroom, take up phone.
'Hello.'
We engage in some mindless drivel about houses, Etheline, the weather, whether or not Angeline Ball still sings and what not. All perfectly innocent, but I am not fooled, she's sitting on something the way a kestrel sits on wire over looking a warren, she's waiting for a slip up, a casual moment where she can dive in screeching and flapping, talons to the ready.
I know, I am the rabbit.
'Bobby Ewing is looking so much better these days.' She says after a lull. Bobby, my mother's overweight bug eyed spaniel. He has cancer, she's been treating this by taking him to a faith hearler- and lately, a vet.
'That's very good news. '
My rabbit nose twitches. My wabbity senses are all a flutter. Hide hide.
It just goes to show, if you have faith' -the word slips out, the kestrel is dropping carrots outside my burrow- 'you can achieve anything'
We wait. I stay deep in the safe warminess of the burrow, not today wabbit botherer.
But what's this? A scraping sound? And a skritch skritch for above? Can kestrels fucking dig? I don't remember that from animal planet?
'I've been hearing all about this new book-
The skritch skritch is growing louder, hide hide, dammit, why can't I turn around! I knew I shouldn't have picked a rabbit, what the fuck made me do that? Why didn't I turn myself into a ferret? Or a wolverine? Sheet, even a badger would do it.
'- it's called The Secret. Have you heard of it?'
Trapped.
'I have.'
'It's supposed to tremendous.'
'I haven't heard that much about it.' I lie.
'Oh,' MY mother says disbelievingly. 'I'm surprised to hear that. Normally you're very up to it on books.'
Up to it?
'No, I mean I've heard it mentioned somewhere, but like I say I don't know much about it at all.'
My mother digests this one. I go back to breathing and possibly chewing on on of the carrots.
'Well-'
We waffle on for another few minutes and say our goodbyes, all cordial and polite, stiff and a little formal.
The moment she hangs up I gallop down stairs and spend/waste precious moments of my life checking out what I know to be the next few months of my life. I need to know mine enemy. And oh how velly vexed I am. This shit is legion, it's so ridiculous I can see Matter Fatcat wallowing in it and regurgitating the waffle almost whole. I am in for it, there is mumbo jumbo here that even the sanest person will have trouble hacking through.
I am fatmammycat's noxious spleen.

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48 Comments:

Blogger Megan McGurk said...

Wait until the dog actually dies and then she'll want to go to one of those psychics that commune with the dead to know how he's doing.
I had that conversation with my mother about her dead cat, but luckily she never did it.

3:02 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

oh for Jesus sake...I never even thought of that.

3:19 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Bobby Ewing??

3:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a firm believer in what kind of energy you put out you will end up attracting but the idea of being specific about material things is just so crass.

The bloody "secret" is to be in the moment and appreciate it for what it is, the ups and downs of life. Death is part of life, including the death of a beloved pet. My 16 year old cat Chloe died last autumn and it was difficult to watch her health slowly slide downhill her last six months. I cried an ocean of tears when the time came to finally put her down, but I made sure her last days were comfortable, as long as she still wanted to eat and still wanted to cuddle as I readied myself to the reality of the situation.

That's what your ma needs to do, not buy into some false hope materialistic marketing bullshit.

If you don't experiences some lows in life how can you really appreciate the highs?

My sympathies for you and the dog :-(

3:38 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Bobby Ewing is his name, Sam, I swear to god.

Penelope, I've to run to the gym now so my response might seem pithy and I don't want that, first, as the owner of a near 16 year old cat, Puddy, I totally get your grief when they are ill or when you can do no more for them but give them a dignified death.
Now my mother is a whole other basket of cornflowers when it comes to the 'higher power' stuff, I don't have the time or the energy to explaing how many 'paths' she has found herself on over the years, searching for ...well whatever the fuck she's looking for.
Most of my mother's problems stem from the fact that she was a mean vicious bitch, but now she is an old mean bitch and thus has no real power over us children any longer. She has mellowed with age and this leads her to fret and try redeem herself through many weird culty shit that she hopes will fool us fatcat children into forgiving her. Despite the fact that none of us buy into any of it and would happily forgive her the many hurts she casued if she would just once say 'I'm sorry about that'.
But she does not and so we dance on, deep into mumbo jumbo land. Salut!

3:51 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you explained it quite well!!!

A recent convert to your blog I've been playing catch-up reading old posts so I've already twigged on to the idea that a relationship with your mother is "challenging" at best. Knock wood, my mom and I get on well, she has a live and let live attitude and ahas always been supportive of me.

My father, on the other hand, was a raging alcholic and violent, belittling bastard.

if it's not one then it's the other...*shrug*

4:32 p.m.  
Blogger grimsaburger said...

You're very up to it on books?
But Mother, a piece of shit molded to look like a book is not a book.
I swear to God, I have heard so much about this uber-fraudulent communing-with-the-universe crapola I can't stand it anymore.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being a reliable source of "See, we're not all buying it! The world (or the little bits of it that we inhabit) still makes sense!" for me.

5:39 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Just you wait and see Grims baby, I'l get someone one on saying things like 'You just reject this because you're not open to the path, you need to let go of the hate and really beeeeee amd then you'll find inner peace'.
Happened to me on one of the reiki posts, bound to happen here at some stage.
To which I will reply 'FIE, a pox on your house!' and mutter something about gliding necromancers and some such.
Do you know, I ran 15K in the gym and my hips feel a bit loose in their sockets? How odd, then I came home and looked up how many K are in the Dublin City marathon, and there are 42 and a bit K in it, and that has made me feel most unwell.

7:05 p.m.  
Blogger Orfhlaith said...

After quite a few friends, some of whom I actually respect, told me about this book/cd/dvd (pick whichever), I finally succumbed and bought it (just the book)! What an eejit I was. I think I read the first 6 pages and practically threw it across the room in disgust. I have had some shit stuff happen to me, probably the worst of which was the stillbirth of my son 15 yrs ago (and, believe me, there's more shit than just that), and I'm sitting there thinking, "Who the fuck are they to tell me that *I* carefully deliberated and begged the universe for all the shit in my life?" "Fuck that!" End of the Secret, LOL.

9:27 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Damn straight!

10:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know I'm late on posting this, but I just had to tell you - one of my dearest friends is deep, deep into this book and way of thinking. So much so, she is raising her daughter with the ideas in the book. Now, to each his own, I say, but I'll be spending a long weekend at the beach with this friend soon and I'm soooooooooooo not looking to dodging this topic of conversation! Help!

10:45 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Deary me. Even the name alone ... "The Secret" - vile. Sounds right up there with The Alchemist! Awful, stupid, simplistic twattery. I have to admit to judging people by whether they like or not. Grasping at self help bull, rather than admitting the realities of Life and addressing them! Words just can't express how I despise such "books".

I had never thought of the "communing with dead pets spirits" bit in relation to my own Mater - but I can see it a-coming!

11:38 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't got (1) the attention span (2) the time (3) the time (4) the interest to read a post this long............night, night!!

12:17 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Penelope CA: - if it's not one thing it's your mother!!....*shrug also*

12:25 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Bonnie, you've got to come back and tell me how this particular beach visit went and what waffle you were subjected to.

10:08 a.m.  
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