Wednesday, June 20, 2007

White Van Drivers. You lot are screwed.

Day eight of the flood and as I peer out the window at the never ending rain that falls during the typical Irish Summer I am once again having to reassess my views on the Catholic Church and mostly, the pontiff, Christ's right hand dude on this earth..
For yay, verily, the pope has our interests at heart. He wants us to live, to survive. He wants us to have multiple babies and revere old dudes, to not ask questions and to carry malformed and misshapen fetus' to full term so that they may survive long enough to be doused in water and sent to a holier death. He wants us to reject Amnesty International, meat on a Friday and the gays, for it is probably written that sharing cheese burger with either a country/city/french gay on a Friday while simultaneously considering the plight of others across the world is a big no-no and I for one don't want to get smote-eth, for that one.
Nope, he's a top man the pontiff, and now that he has sorted us all out he has turned his hand to road rage and come up with a whole slew of road rules. Rules that should they be abide-eth by I'm sure no accident will ever befall us true Catholics, the most holiest of drivers.
Observeth- from today's most holiest of tabloids, the Indo.

"The pontiff is so concerned about road rage that he has asked his staff to draw up a list of rules for the highway, including thou shalt not use a car "for sinful purposes".

A 58-page Vatican document, entitled 'Guidelines for Pastoral Care of the Road', urges drivers to avoid road rage, to respect the rights of pedestrians, and to make the sign of the cross before setting off.

Road users must not make "rude gestures" at other drivers, or use cars to show off and "arouse envy".Speeding and dangerous overtaking are forbidden, as are rude hand signals. And as for kerb crawling, forget it.

This would be a particularly tough call in Italy, where aspiring to own a Ferrari to demonstrate power and affluence (and impress women) is considered a male birthright.

Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Vatican Office for Migrants and Itinerant People, said that the Vatican felt it necessary to address "the pastoral needs of motorists" because cars formed such a central part of modern life.

"Cars tend to bring out the primitive side of human beings, thereby producing rather unpleasant results," the document said.

It appealed instead to the "nobler tendencies" in the human spirit.

The fifth commandment - "Cars shall not be an expression of power and domination or an occasion for sin" - referred, Cardinal Martino said, to motorists who used their cars to pick up prostitutes, which was "an offence to human dignity".

Some drivers behaved in an "unsatisfactory and even barely human manner," the Vatican document said.

Motorists should avoid "unbalanced behaviour" such as "impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, or blasphemy" and would do better to use the time spent in a car for prayer.

This would "immerse them in the presence of God so that they remain under His protection."


While earthly concerns have tended to focus on careless use of mobile phones, the Vatican suggests that passengers can safely recite the rosary because "the rhythm and gentle repetition does not distract the driver's attention."

In addition, the document urges dioceses to help to set up chapels along motorways, with priests holding Mass or offering spiritual comfort to motorists at service stations.

Vatican City, the world's smallest sovereign state, doesn't have many of the problems listed in the document.

It has about 1,000 cars, the speed limit is 30kph and one Vatican official said the last accident inside Vatican City's walls was about 18 months ago, resulting in minor damage. "

Yah, and lo. For it is now written. Go forth and drive carefully fellow catholics. You Protestants can drive however you want, everyone knows you and the Buddhists and that other lot are just spawn of Satan. You lot are already screwed. I revoke my previously held view that I"m a filthy Agnostic and am off this very morning to see if I can locate a magnetic dashboard Mary.
For I have seen the light! And it was amber your Lord, AMBER!



Anonymous Shebah said...

"Must not make rude gestures"!! Well, Bollocks to that, that's half the fun.

10:42 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Exactly, 'fist in the rear view mirror' is essential. Also I like to stick my tongue out at children and get them into trouble with their parents.

10:46 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I wonder though, If I do immerse myself in the power of God, will I still need to use a seatbelt?

10:56 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

If you can't find a magnetic Madonna you can borrow my magnetic St Christopher.

10:59 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Dude I need a Jude.

11:03 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Would a Padre Pio sticker be any use to you?

11:10 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I"m thinking I might need something with a bit more 'Uuumph.'
Got any "if you ain't a Xtian you ain't rapture ready'? Day-glo would be best. Sheeet, even a photo of the Pontiff should do it. I can surround it in a pale blue garland and stick it to the back window.

11:15 a.m.  
Blogger aquaasho said...

My Mother used to think those "NO FEAR" stickers were a religious statement!

11:39 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

and some furry repro. pope's testicles dangling from front mirror, to replace the dice. and maybe a little luminous pope statue in the back window.

11:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Aishlling, wouldn't that be 'Full of Fear' if it was religious. Or 'Full of Guilt' if we're going to be all RC on our asses.
Shebah, what about a St Brigids cross? But all done in lights? The shape would make folk think it was a normal cross but the speed made it slant, sorta like go fast stripes, but go fast crosses.

11:46 a.m.  
Blogger Deborah said...

That is hilarious! I wonder does it address the maniacal driving out of the church car parks after mass is finished?

There's an oul one in the schticks of Mayo that can barely see over the wheel of her car because of both her height and the fact that she is fastidiously reciting the rosary whilst driving some of the most dangerous roads in Ireland. My Dad asked if she was nervous and she said "Sure why would I be, when I've got the rosary with me?"

Guess she's cool with Il Papa!

12:08 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...


I just worked out where this is going. It is fiendishly clever.

Car manufacturers will be vying for the officical imprimatur / nihil obstat of the Catholic Church. So, expect the Volkswagon Vatican next year. To be followed by pre-blessed models such as the Rover Rosary, the Toyota Tridentine, the BMW Benedikt, the Mercedes Miracle, the Opel Opus... sanctified safety on the roads, at a price.

This will replace waning church collections as a major source of income for the Roman Catholic church.

12:25 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That's it, I'm buying a Hybrid. But a triune Hybrid.

12:47 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Remember the old song?

"I don't care if it rains and freezes, long as I have my plastic Jesus, riding on the dashboard of my caaaaarr....

I can go a hundred miles an hour,
long as I got the almighty power,
riding on the dashboard of my caaaaaarrrrr...."

I'm surprised anyone listens to the pope anyway. That drooling old Nazi.

2:04 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That song is freaking awesome!

I also summit.
'Oh lord won't you buy me,
A mercedes Benz.'

That's it. It's the fatcat version.

2:22 p.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

I'm going to get me a Honda Halo, it'll be like a Civic, but spiritual.

3:03 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Boy racer.

3:28 p.m.  
Blogger metaphysicallywrinklefree said...

Personally, I'm buying the new Dodge Dogma.

9:25 p.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

What next? Blogging advice from the Pope?

12:27 a.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

What would Jesus drive?

I bet God would put his only son in an amoured humvee so that, if he crashed, while every other car might be crushed like juice tins under its wheels, Jesus would only get his hair a bitty mussed. 'Cos God knows His divine protection isn't really up to code, I mean, He's a busy deity - he's got people in the Middle East to inflame and cause to explode, and some pious gossiping to do down at the village shop. And then there's all the praise and honouring to deal with. A couple minutes to make some highly saleable Mary's on a piece of toast, then a second to answer some southern Baptists football team group prayer to slaughter the Lutheran team from the neighbouring school, and he's hardly got the time for protecting drivers and filling people's hearts with love and peace and stuff.

There's a wee girl from Lewis inside me who is scared shitless of what I'm saying here and fretting we'll go to hell for it, but as the years pass and I see more and more trouble, pain and weariness in the world, I'm finding it harder and harder to believe in the kind of personal God the church says there is. I have very religious friends whom I love and admire and I respect their points of view, 'cos which of us really knows, after all - and they're taking the safer bet - but it's not for me. Increasingly.

1:02 a.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Hah! Funny, FMC. It's all about revering old dudes in dresses.
I'm with Manuel. I want to see blogging advice from pope rat.

1:10 a.m.  
Blogger Binty McShae said...

No kerb crawling? Well, talk about the Pope calling the Cardinal black! I've seen that bloody pope-mobile and it barely hits 5 mph!

6:45 a.m.  
Anonymous Primal Sneeze said...

A 58-page Vatican document.

I hope Papa Rat never starts a blog. No fekin way I'd read a post 58 pages long.

Oops! I just checked and he does have a blog of sorts.

7:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Sweet Chulutha, it's true. Vatican updates!
Binty, always a pleasure.
Medbh, Manuel, one can only bleedin' imagine. Though shalt not swear, post photos of the lord holding dinobabies, though shalt not question.
I'd be so screwed.
Dodge Dogma, snarf.
Sam, don't forget he has to take time to make sure those ladies don't overeat, busy dude of diety. Busy lke a a fox.

8:58 a.m.  
Blogger Mairéad said...

Thanks for reading that for me, FMC, it saved me the job of ripping it into a thousand pieces, in my fury!

8:41 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Quite all right sweetie, I'm glad I saved you from it.

9:21 p.m.  
Anonymous Man With a Van said...

I'm surprised to hear it. I think for all people must be the same rules.

11:47 a.m.  
Anonymous van man said...

Vatican has many interesting and specific things. And this is one of them.

11:51 a.m.  
Anonymous Van Sales said...

We can laugh at these rules, but I think they are not so bad as the amount of car accidents decreased.

11:53 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Who are all you van folk? And also, blessed be thy cargo.

12:11 p.m.  
Blogger ranadunga said...

interesting blog. It would be great if you can provide more details about it. Thanks you

van for sales

6:42 a.m.  
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