Friday, November 16, 2007

Occam's razor is a little blunt this morning.

It's late, there's heavy metal music, students, bouncers, alcohol flowing, drunk patrons...ah yeah, suddenly there's a scuffle between a bouncer and a patron. Both claim the other one started it.
They go to court.
What do we think might be the common denominator? Hum? Anyone?
Why yes, that's right it must be redbull, that disgusting caffeine fueled monkey jism that stinks like the inside of a of a dead wasp's unwashed winkle.
Not hooch, are we also clear on this? Not beloved alcohol, alcohol has NOTHING to do with this, and don't none of you go besmirching it neither. I"m looking at you, yeah, that's right, you.
What we're dealing with here is a soft drink of hidden depths and formidable potency. All that eeeevil caffeine, smothering out the gentle mixed nature of testosterone and alcohol with a miasma of sweet scented sugar dense malevolence, well, clearly an assault waiting to happen.
Oh I love the logic, I love the logic so much that if I hadn't already hitched my wagon to the paramour's mighty chest and lovely arms I might hunt down this logic and ask it to make babies with me. Certainly I would let this logic buy me dinner.
Remember folks, nothing is ever your fault, there is ALWAYS something to blame. And never alcohol. say it with me now, NEVER alcohol.

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23 Comments:

Anonymous sheepworrier said...

mmm, alcomahol...
yay, only 5 hrs 30ish mins to beer o'clock!

11:25 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I have my alarm set. Somewhere in a darkened room, Smurf just smiled in his sleep.

11:34 a.m.  
Blogger finn said...

neversshmmm alcohoole, erm wot SW zed. yeshhh.

got yer 10.5.1?

11:40 a.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

This is a conspiracy of silence on the part of the bakers of Ireland. What the Dublin meedia don't want us to know is that these people all ate bread that day.

FACT!!


I'm fact, I have it on good authority that 98% of all crimes are committed by people within 24 hours of eating bread.

I call on the government to make this known and to stop the cover-up.

11:41 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Those bread quaffing bastids, I wouldn't put it past them.
Docky 2 I expect a van to pull up outside your door any second. But fear not, using my powers of deduction I will trace your captors through flour residue.

Finn, say wot now?

11:49 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

There's a bottle of Stoli looking at me from the counter. Oh look, there's a djinn inside, winky winkying at me... hello, djinn. What's that? Oh, it says it wants to walk around in my body and have a bit of fun... Ok, most delicious rasputin-in-a-bottle, have fun, let me know what jolly japes you get up to...

11:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Just don't go mixing it up with none of that soft drink shit, you don't want to go WILD now.

11:54 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

The voice in the bottle wants me to use lucozade as a mixer, it promises it's a 'health' drink, not an accelerant...

11:59 a.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Sounds like the twinkie defense. I've never tasted red bull but it smells like shit.

Some days I hardly notice the time difference and then others, oh like today, where it's barely 7am here I recognize the gap.

12:00 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

No Conan, don't do it! It's a trick, you'll go mad Ted, start attacking the post man and barking at your neighbours. Back away from the Lucocrap, it's sticky, sticky!! it will stain your insides, that's what Gamma always said. She mixed her gin with ice and lemon.

Medbh, what in the holy hell are you doing up this early?

12:06 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

What about JD & Coke FMC? Don't deny me that simple pleasure...

12:47 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Humm, I also drink my bloody delicious rum with coke SW. But so far I've never turned into a crazed psychopath on it.
Sooooo.... I"m gonna go ahead and declare rum and JD a neutraliser of whatever eeeevil is in soft drinks. Clearly coke on it's own is very dangerous indeed.
In fact! No one shuld drink ANY soft drink unless there is alcohol in it to protect themselves and the people around them from soft drinkitis.
Huzzah for fatcat logic, huzzah!

12:59 p.m.  
Blogger Andraste said...

Soda is only to be drunk as a mixer. On its own it is the very devil's smegma.

Red Bull and Vodka is all the rage over here with the kids. I have to admit, if it came in any other flavor besides icky raspberry, I'd give it a try.

It's got caffeine AND B vitamins! Too bad it tastes like skunk piss.

And then...THEN I could blame the road rage on THAT instead of the fact that I'm just an asshole.

2:33 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It is pretty vile smelling, even people who drink it complain about it. CG drink it and he swears sometimes he can smell it coming from his pores the following morning.

4:28 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

And it has taurine (Red Bull)in it too, which, get this, is also found in bile, urine and bull semen.

Slurp.

4:34 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

And you win for the yack factor.

4:47 p.m.  
Blogger Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

Ah, it was nothing.

*Blush*

5:28 p.m.  
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