Thursday, June 12, 2008

Inexplicable yet annoying things.

Dear fucking Universe,
I have a few questions I want to run by you, seeing as I don't have the answers and they DON"T appear to be in the bottom of my coffee cup, which by the way is annoyingly empty.

1-What is the point of bumble bees? I have watched one bumble its way around my office for the last five minutes, bouncing stupidly off my window and barely avoiding certain death at the paws of the Marklar. In the end I had to catch the stupid thing in a glass and let it out. Where it bumbled happily off.

2- Why-after all this time- does the paramour still express surprise at my reluctance to phone anyone? I don't express surprise at his reluctance to eat cauliflower.

3- Why must the bigger of the cats ANNOUNCE his arrival with a heart shattering wail EVERY time he returns to the house, no matter if he has been away for one hour or two minutes?

4- Why is it that when people say, 'you'll have that information first thing in the morning' what they really mean is, 'you won't have that information first thing in the morning'?

5- Why would Etheline know who anyone on Big Brother is? Why would she think I would want to know who they are?

6-Why is that bloody song 'American Boy' stuck in my head for the third day running?

7- Why must Board Gas make so much fucking noise?

8- Why can't I stay fit and not put on weight by simply sitting at home drinking beer, eating jelly babies and not breaking my balls at the gym/running/starving away to nothing?

9-Why does 'I don't have a mobile phone,' make people laugh? It's not like I said I'm trying to grow a mickey in my arm pit. I have email, I have a house phone, I'm here at my desk practically twelve hours a day, what the fuck would I need a mobile phone for?

10- Why do people hang 'Baby on Board' signs in their car windows? So fucking what? I don't hang 'Listening to Newstalk' on mine. Do they think 'Baby on Board' protects them? Do they think folk see the sign and go, 'Oh, they have a baby on board, I won't crash into that car I'll go crash into that Merc instead.'
Is it because they're bad drivers and they think a cutesy sign indicating they can procreate might make other drivers forgive their lumbering steering and inability to park? Because we don't, no sir, we don't forgive them. They should learn to drive properly and fuck the signs.

Grumpily yours,



Anonymous The Bad Ambassador said...

A mickey in your armpit - now that would be funny!

9:57 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

It certainly would be quite the conversation piece,

10:01 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

1. Get back into bed.

2. Get out the other side.

10:17 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Can't, gotta go vote.

10:32 a.m.  
Blogger Conan Drumm said...

Been there, done that. (Turn out, what turn out? Methinks about 50%)

11:00 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Really? I thought it would be much larger, tell you when I get back what this end was like.

11:12 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Have a nice large frothy coffee, ducky, then after voting go treat yourself to some new shoes! Cures the grumps quickly. Have you seen the new Sex and the City movie? The shoes, the bags, the clothes, aaaah!

11:50 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I haven't yet Darling, I'm waiting for the Spaniard as the paramour would rather stick a hot curling iron up his rectum than go. I head the clothes are to die for.
Polling stations- brisk and busy enough. This might go to the wire.

12:16 p.m.  
Blogger Dr. James McInerney said...

Bumblebees don't have a point. None of us have a point. Bumblebees are simply the way in which bumblebee DNA makes more bumblebee DNA. That's natural selection.

Makes you want to believe in God, doesn't it?

12:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Er no. But what do they do? Do the pollenate? Are they really as daft as they seem? Do they make disgusting honey? What?

12:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Actually scrap that, 'splain me about the baby on board bollocks and I'll be happy.

12:40 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually like bumblebees, and I can't say why except they're much less likely to sting than honeybees. They just seem more jolly, less driven. Or something. Even if one did sting me in the armpit once (didn't grow a mickey).

I think you should start your own line of bumper stickers: "Childless adult on board" to be added to the "Listening to NewsTalk." I'd buy one, though I'd have to slap it on my bicycle. I'm still trying to figure out where I'm going to put my Obama sticker.

12:42 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I don't mind them either, they seem harmless enough, just a bit dim.

Do I want to know how you managed to get stung in your mickeyless armpit? I believe I do.

1:00 p.m.  
Anonymous lightup said...

Having just got rid of the milkshake song I now have the American Boy song stuck in my head.

Reading your blog is beginning to effect my work FMC!

1:01 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

So sorry, if it's any consolation it has been driving me nutzo all day too. Stupid catchy song.

1:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't remember exactly how it happened. My sister and I were about 9 and 10, hanging out by the clover-hay field waiting on Dad to fix the tractor or something, and bzzzt. Right in the armpit. I had to walk all the way back to the house sobbing, with my arm raised over my head.

1:26 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I got knocked off my bike by a bumble bee when I was a kid. I was free wheeling down hill on my Raleigh esca (foldable) and we collided. Honestly it was like being shot. Course I had no fucking brakes either, apart from my indestructible Clark shoes. Luckily a hedge full of nettles broke my fall.

1:36 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

'Baby on board' is for emergency crews, letting them know to look for a child in car wrecks.

Everyday's a schoolday, eh?

1:40 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Snarf, that's as good an explanation as I want. Sheepie come down and do my work for me woudja?

1:42 p.m.  
Anonymous sheepworrier said...

Only if you take me to the pub afterwards, FMC.

2:10 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

That sounds like a fine deal.

2:13 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Excellent morning rant, FMC.
Did you see that picture up at Michael K's of the baby boy born with an extra peen on his back? Ick.
I have a mobile which I have used 4 times in 2 years. Mostly it works as my watch.
Your kitteh is just announcing his return as in "honey, I'm home!"

5:22 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Or as the LGK once remarked, it's his 'HIYAH!' In her head he sounds like a male version of Janice from friends.

6:25 p.m.  
Anonymous DeeDee Ramona said...

The actual purpose of "baby on board" signs is for the emergency services in the event of a crash.

If you're in a nasty accident and the fire brigade have to try and work out if there is anyone else left to free, the sign tells them the baby is there and needs to be rescued.

You're supposed to take it down when the baby isn't actually strapped in the baby seat in the back.

11:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wouldn't they see the child seat anyway?

11:15 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Dee Dee, good night and thank you, annoy- mouse, I suspect they probably can.

12:08 a.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

ask him about chefs arse and the need for it......cheers.....I don't talk to him personally.....fell out years ago.....

12:28 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

You fell out with the universe? Well played Manuel.

10:28 a.m.  
Anonymous DeeDee Ramona said...

They see the child seat but don't know if a kid was in the car at the time or not. So you put the sign up.

However there have been, apparently, avoidable deaths of firemen and the like in the US in years past due to people not taking the sign down when the kid isn't in the car, and when joke signs like "mother in law in the boot" get burned and look like they might've been a baby on board sign.

So yeah, unless you want to use it for its intended purpose, best not to.

12:34 p.m.  
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3:58 a.m.  

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