Inexplicable yet annoying things.
Dear fucking Universe,
I have a few questions I want to run by you, seeing as I don't have the answers and they DON"T appear to be in the bottom of my coffee cup, which by the way is annoyingly empty.
1-What is the point of bumble bees? I have watched one bumble its way around my office for the last five minutes, bouncing stupidly off my window and barely avoiding certain death at the paws of the Marklar. In the end I had to catch the stupid thing in a glass and let it out. Where it bumbled happily off.
2- Why-after all this time- does the paramour still express surprise at my reluctance to phone anyone? I don't express surprise at his reluctance to eat cauliflower.
3- Why must the bigger of the cats ANNOUNCE his arrival with a heart shattering wail EVERY time he returns to the house, no matter if he has been away for one hour or two minutes?
4- Why is it that when people say, 'you'll have that information first thing in the morning' what they really mean is, 'you won't have that information first thing in the morning'?
5- Why would Etheline know who anyone on Big Brother is? Why would she think I would want to know who they are?
6-Why is that bloody song 'American Boy' stuck in my head for the third day running?
7- Why must Board Gas make so much fucking noise?
8- Why can't I stay fit and not put on weight by simply sitting at home drinking beer, eating jelly babies and not breaking my balls at the gym/running/starving away to nothing?
9-Why does 'I don't have a mobile phone,' make people laugh? It's not like I said I'm trying to grow a mickey in my arm pit. I have email, I have a house phone, I'm here at my desk practically twelve hours a day, what the fuck would I need a mobile phone for?
10- Why do people hang 'Baby on Board' signs in their car windows? So fucking what? I don't hang 'Listening to Newstalk' on mine. Do they think 'Baby on Board' protects them? Do they think folk see the sign and go, 'Oh, they have a baby on board, I won't crash into that car I'll go crash into that Merc instead.'
Is it because they're bad drivers and they think a cutesy sign indicating they can procreate might make other drivers forgive their lumbering steering and inability to park? Because we don't, no sir, we don't forgive them. They should learn to drive properly and fuck the signs.
Labels: I'm no Zap Brannigan today.