Monday, September 08, 2008


Top of the morning to you. It's not raining. I am deeply suspicious. Is this not the film Seven? Where are the clouds? The relentless pounding of the water on my roof? What's all this blue business??
Anyway. Enough about that. I have builders in. I might have just as easily typed I have cockroaches in. Not because I find my builders to be disgusting insects, but because -confound them- they are scuttley and turn up in weird places and then disappear again for hours.
They tell lies though, and I'm pretty sure cockroaches don't. Lies like, 'Sure, I'll be there first thing in the mornin' and I'll have that plastered and skimmed for ya before noon.'
This I have discovered means, 'I'll turn up around eleven, tell you I've to go get something or other, leave the actual hardworking exhausted looking Polish lad here and bugger off with the other lads for a couple of mysterious hours.'
Here, allow me, lest any of you might be fool hardy enough to require these men in your near or not so near future.
'That won't be any trouble' = 'that will be next to impossible and we will spend many many paid hours struggling with it before giving up and demanding tea.'
'No problem'= Velly many problems.
Crack of Dawn= some time before noon.
Back Shortly = see you tomorrow.
Quality= cheap stuff bought in bulk load, eager to off load.
Sturdy/Solid= Puddy's arse could knock it over.
No mark up = three times its original price.
Matter of days= any number of weeks
Electrics= power outage
Cups of tea= life force or builder's 'chi'
Measurements= the ability to decide complex distances using eyes.
Plans= see above.
Rain= no work to day
Few bob= vast sums of money.
Cash= crack cocaine.

Well, you see what I mean. It has been quite the still is. Naturally in the midst of all this I find I have to work. And ghastly as that is, it's actually quite a relief to take refuge in my work space and hide out from the relentless hammering and banging. ALso I have had the dreaded lurgy and have been quite sick. Naturally. I'll skip around the blogs this morning and try catch up. From the sound of it, the Polish lad has just finished his fourth can of Redbull and has taken up the slack again.



Blogger jothemama said...

I have long suspected that German builders ar the only way forward.

9:30 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Naked German builders you say?

9:36 a.m.  
Anonymous stipes said...

aach tung (bless you)

10:06 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Thanks Stipes, I'm still dribbling slightly, but on the mend.

10:16 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

Welcome back! You have been missed.

11:02 a.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

my thoughts are with you having experienced the difficulty that builders and their god awful taste in music brings.

11:07 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Hey ho Shebah, it's been a hectic few weeks really, I'm most gad to have time to blog again and thanks. Manuel, my lot don't have music, so I suppose I ought to be glad I've been spared that indignity. I'm not sure hours and hours of radio would do my nerves any good. They were using an angle grinder this morning and I swear to marmalade I could feel it through my teeth.

11:56 a.m.  
Anonymous Sniffle&Cry said...

Move out for the duration. Failing that, a spiritual approach helps which has nothing to do with a spirit level - that Buddhist notion of being a doormat.
Give them tea on demand, and nice biccies. Let them see you’re trying for their good graces, it won’t make the job cheaper or better, but they won’t deliberately make a balls of it.

12:03 p.m.  
Anonymous eva said...

Welcome back!!

12:31 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I have provided tea in vast quantities as I now firmly believe without it builders break down and become confused and possibly frightened.
Eva, cheers, hope you're feeling dandy.
It's really sunny today, our summer has been so terribly shit I feel I ought to go outside and lie on a patch of grass while there is sunshine. I won't of course. There is a cement mixer on the lawn. I am Melvin's idle leathery sack.

12:35 p.m.  
Anonymous Penelope_Ca said...

It's good to see you posting again. I was starting to get worried and was hoping nothing bad had happened. Then I see you're having construction to the house done.

That explains a lot...

I don't envy you having to deal with builders one bit! What are you having done?

3:22 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Bad luck on the Poorlys, The Cat.

And on the builders. I like Sniffles approach as an initial gambit but don't let it become appeasement. After a while, if your tea and Hob Nobs are still not fueling any uptick in work, start giving a whole choccie-biccie assortment on a large plate to the Polish lad and a plate of soft Bourbons to the rest. Maybe bung the Polishman a whole teapot to himself and a doily or a thoughtful sprig of mint.

Incentivize the rest of the lazy buggers with sugar and preferment.

3:24 p.m.  
Blogger Medbh said...

Poor FMC!
I know all you want is a stretch of peace and quiet. You might want to go out and get a pair of earplugs to steel your nerves from the racket.

3:33 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

God forbid that the "blogging" fraternity should have aquaintance with that uncouth underclass "the builder", I mean the very notion that one of you might actually KNOW a plasterer, a brickie, or god forbid...a carpenter.


P.S FMC hope your enema went swimmingly

3:34 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Uncouth? Who said anything about them being uncouth? Oh no wait, it's an 'anonymous' comment, but of course, actual reading comprehension unnecessary.

Evening ladies! I'm having a sun room/office built. It's starting to look ship shape-although I have just been informed they have run out of flooring and my washing machine just blew up. Huzzah!

4:11 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

Jesus, Anonymous, I for one can be WAY more gobshitey than that, just as I have a feeling that this is only the very tip of your self-righteousness.

4:35 p.m.  
Blogger jothemama said...

I don't pay my tradesmen, I just have them whipped regularly as insentive, being the wealthy and cultured blogger that I am.

Actually I'm sad, FMC, did you not see John's posts at McAWilliams and fourninepounds on how much he loved the builders who did his sunroom? He missed them and felt befert and insecure when they left! He even got his work to hire them after.

6:16 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

I didn't see that, but I'm sure they were delightful.
Oh Sam, don't be so high brow. Everyone KNOWS anonymous drive by comments are SO on the button and being brought forth from a place literally dripping with concern and humanity.

6:30 p.m.  
Anonymous problemchildbride said...

You're right, fmc. When will I get it into my thick skull that some people just love to be offended? Loads of these people are called Anonymous too, as it goes. Isn't that odd?

7:14 p.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Odd like my socks darling. Check yer email tomorrow.

7:16 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

Welcome back! I was vageuly concerned to see that I had gone away and come back and you were still away.

When it comes to budgets and buiding I think a general rule of thumb should be to take your budget and add at least half again. Under no circumstances should you start building until you have that extra amount of cash sitting securely in your bank account.

10:57 p.m.  
Blogger laughykate said...

I would just like to add that my spelling is sensahtional this morning.

10:59 p.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

I'm not making this up, this 100% true. As i waited for taxi to work on Monday morning a builder approached me outside my house and asked if I could get him some water for his kettle........awesome.

there he was complete with paint splattered kettle and a gaggle of little builders looking up the street behind him.......

12:14 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

Lk, never truer words were typed. It's amazing how much your budget gets gobbled up and how quickly.
Manuel, is gaggle the correct description for plural builders?

7:02 a.m.  
Anonymous Shebah said...

A block of builders?

10:29 a.m.  
Blogger Manuel said...

a bodge of builders?

11:27 a.m.  
Blogger fatmammycat said...

A crack-arse of builders?

10:32 a.m.  
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10:41 a.m.  

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